Current Stella Talks About The Future

Dear Future Stella,

I asked Current Stella to tell me about her life in 20 years. Figuring she would have no concept of time, I assumed she was going to tell me things that could easily happen tomorrow.

Instead, Current Stella told me she was going to be married and she was going to have twins (both girls). 

I asked her if she was going to have a job. She said yes. She said her main job was going to be being a mommy but she would go to my salon so she could work next to me every day. 

I asked her to tell me about her husband. She said he was going to be nice and silly and really helpful. She said he was going to be really silly to the twins but also really helpful when she needed anything. (I can’t imagine where she got this image from?….) She told me I was going to be her kid’s G-Ma (which is what she calls my mom). 

I asked her where she was going to live. She said Mexico. I asked her what she thought her husband would do for work. She said he was going to be a wrestler. I couldn’t help but picture a Nacho Libre situation. 

Future Stella, I love you. Current Stella, kid- you don’t want to live in Mexico with twin girls and your wrestler husband while you are working away at a hair salon. This has tragic written all over it. Aim higher….

Love,

Mom

I Hope You Have a Gay Husband

Dear Future Stella,

I got a haircut today. Right after I went to lunch with your dad and Current Stella. He didn’t notice. To be fair, neither did Current Stella, but she eventually did. I cut a lot off. I find it interesting that your Dad can spot a boob job instantly but not my haircut. Even boob jobs that are contained in a trench coat and hiding behind a tree. It’s cool though, because I have another husband that notices these things. His name is Daniel and he noticed my haircut right away. He also is the one who cut my hair so that might be why it was so obvious to him. Having a gay husband is super important Future Stella.

Daniel and I got married on Halloween 2 years ago. We got married at the hair salon that we both work at together in front of all of our co-workers. He wanted a beach Cancun wedding. We exchanged rings and vows and even had a wedding cake.

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Daniel tells me when a dress is flattering on me. Daniel gets excited about The Bachelor with me. Daniel loves drinking cheap white wine while curating my online shopping cart. Daniel tells me when its time I give up on the crop top attempt. Daniel also is super easy to make fun of and he falls for it every single time. Daniel hates bananas and cats. This means that I always stash over-ripe bananas in his drawer at his station so that when he opens it to retrieve a hairbrush he has to contain his horrified shriek in front of his clients. This also means that I steal any cat figurine from Current Stella’s room and super glue them to the surface of his station before he gets to work. I also love to flirt with Daniel because he absolutely hates it. He has never been with a girl and the thought horrifies him. Im constantly catching him off guard with my sexual advances while a camera is nearby just to document our love for each other. I will hand my camera to someone and instruct them to take a picture of us. Right before the camera flashes, I grab his private area. Here is an example of that from our most recent work Christmas party, where the theme was Greek Mythology.

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I will go at great lengths to plan these photo ops. This past Halloween (our anniversary) Daniel really wanted to be a farmer. I convinced him to let me be a pig. He thought that was cute and was totally on board, until at the last minute I made this happen

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Even today, with my haircut, I had the receptionist book it under a fake name as a kids haircut (which he absolutely hates) and then I showed up for the appointment. He’s just too easy to get all riled up.

Future Stella, be a polygamist when it comes to your gays. Collect as many as you possibly can, they are priceless and they will improve your life tenfold. I hope that the gays of your adulthood have overcome all the stupid shit that the gays of my time have had to go through. They were absolutely born gay and deserve all the same chances and privileges as everyone else. My hope is that you are reading this and are totally dumbfounded that I even have to say this. I hope it feels as foreign as the concept of slavery and anti-semites did to me as a child.

Future Stella, I love you. Current Stella, when you did finally notice my haircut, you told me it was really short and asked me why I cut it. Before I could answer, you said, “Thats ok, your dress is really pretty.” Rude!

Love,

Mom

That Time Your Dad Basically Called You a Whore

Dear Future Stella,

I just want to take a minute to tell you how above and beyond amazing your Dad is. I will most likely go into more detail at many points during this journey of blogging to you, but I just want to share something that makes me heart him so much. For the record, you won’t see me say anything bad about him anywhere in these letters because he’s your Dad, and in that realm anyway, he’s as close as perfect as they come. I say this because other people are reading these and I don’t want to falsely imply that we don’t have our own issues, but those are not for your eyes, or anybody’s really.

Your dad has always made me laugh harder than anyone has ever been able to do. He’s such a different kind of funny than I am. His humor doesn’t seek attention- its under the radar, and it never fails to deliver. If he wants me to discover something funny that he has done he has the patience to wait it out until I discover it organically and authentically. He doesn’t talk a lot, but when he does, I am in stitches.

Your Dad is in the process of redoing your bedroom. Yes, your dad, not me. He also mostly designed and executed your nursery but we didn’t know you were going to be a girl. We, ahem- he, decided to do a Dr. Seuss/Cat in the Hat themed room. He liked it because it was gender neutral and he discovered appropriate matching bedding was available at Pottery Barn Kids. I liked it because my dad, your Grandpa, would read me that book so much when I was a kid. He spent an adorable amount of time making sure that room was magazine worthy despite our teeny tiny budget. Here is what your room has basically looked like since you were born. Obviously we have since turned the crib into a toddler bed and you have added a gazillion amount of obnoxious princess paraphernalia, but you get the point.

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Your dad has been working overtime trying to transform your gender neutral baby room into a Super Stella Dream room. The transformation is still under way, and I will show you when its complete, but that’s NOT what this post is about. This post is about your Dad’s humor and why I think I scored big time in the Partner For Life Department.

The first task that he needed to do is repaint your room. Currently its this weird off-white bordering on peach color. On one wall there are horizontal red stripes and on another wall there is a decal of a Dr. Seuss quote. He needed to scrape the decals off before he could paint the new color on the wall.

The evening after he started this tedious task, I came home to this

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What other dad thinks its totally normal to re-arrange the letters of a motivational children’s quote into the word SLUT on his 4 year old’s wall? What other mom walks into said 4 year old’s room and isn’t totally horrified but instead can’t stop laughing? Never mind that the babysitter had been there all day, most likely without an explanation from my husband. Its the funniest shit ever because its so totally wrong in so many ways. Be offended all you want, your Dad has never used that word in a derogatory context, nor would he ever. Trust me, Current Stella has been oblivious to this word on her wall. He stopped short of completing his chore of removing the decal just so I would walk in your room and laugh my ass off. That’s love.

His little unexpected bombs of humor is what keeps me going. He was totally satisfied with just me discovering this genius prank; he didn’t feel the need to post it on social media or mass text it to his friends. He was even a little annoyed that I wanted to take a picture of it (wait until he sees that I chose to blog about it). That makes your Dad such a cooler kind of funny than me. I wonder what kind of funny you will be?

Future Stella, I love you. Current Stella, tonight I overheard you trying to explain to your babysitter that you had pretzels in your tummy except you were saying “pencils” instead of pretzels. I knew what you were trying to say but she didn’t. She kept asking you why you would eat pencils. You would get mad and say “No, not pencils- pen-cils.” I could have rescued you and translated but it was way more entertaining to hear you say things like “No, Pencils. They are long and skinny.” (You were referring to pretzel sticks). The babysitter would say, “I know, pencils, but when did you eat one?” This went on for quite sometime. Hey, you are not going to learn how to enunciate if I swoop in and save the day. Immersion is the fastest way to fluency.

Love,

Mom

Reason #304 Why You Don’t Have a Sibling and Reason #1 Why I Don’t Drive

Dear Future Stella,

I am a terrible driver. I moved to San Francisco for many reasons, but the fact that you don’t have to drive if you don’t want to was high on the list. I drive maybe once a month. I have only had to drive longer than 20 minutes with Current Stella once and this video proves why I will never do that, or procreate, again.

If for some reason whatever modern technology you are viewing this blog post on doesn’t allow you to watch 20 year old video clips, allow me to narrate what is happening in this 3 minute video. First; some back story. At some point when I was driving alone with you on the freeway you took one of your shoes off and it dropped on the ground. You wanted me to get your shoe for you. I explained that I was on the freeway and couldn’t reach it because I needed to focus on not crashing. Its not an exaggeration when I say that driving legitimately terrifies me. I have this very strange fear of getting side swiped by a semi-truck. You didn’t like my answer and proceeded to say “Mommy now” on repeat for the next hour. I only captured 3 minutes of it, in which you say “Mommy now” 111 times. I mean, its amazing I didn’t just drive the car right off the road. I am impressed I was able to figure out how to record you while driving on the freeway and not crashing. I am downright shocked I didn’t sell you as soon as we got to our destination.

Future Stella, I love you. Current Stella, if your ability to drive is somehow related to your ability to drive me fucking insane, then Im guessing you are going to be excellent behind the wheel.

Current Stella Friends

Dear Future Stella,

Lets play a game where I show you pictures of your friends from when you were four or less and then you stalk them on whatever social media platform is popular in 2024. Its going to be so much fun. Some of these people you better still be friends with or at least half-ass follow them on above mentioned social media. Current Stella is such an awesome friend and she has already had some boyfriends and some romantic encounters.

Your first friends were picked by me because you were only three weeks old. I met a group of five other moms who all had given birth to their first children around the same time you came barreling into this world. They all lived in walking distance from us and shockingly, I really liked these ladies! We would meet up once a week, rotating from house to house, sometimes we would drink coffee, other times it was champagne. We all shared all of our nightmare stories about no sleep and bleeding nipples and you babies all went through your first milestones together, not exactly at the same time but you all got there eventually. We still see these families around once a year, but sadly we are the only family left in San Francisco and those moms went on to have more children (I know, some people are really crazy Future Stella). One of the boys in this group became your first boyfriend (at the age of two) and you guys even shared a babysitter for awhile.

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Notice you are the only baby freaking the fuck out

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Here you are with your first boyfriend, Nicholas. I have this creepy fantasy of you finding him on the latest dating technology and rekindling things. Pretty please? Just try it. You cannot ignore the insane amount of chemistry you guys have.

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Your first friend that you met at Marina Tots was named Kate. You guys also attended Calvary together. This is an example of a friendship where you seemed way more into her then she was into you. I hope that you have figured that out by now and only have friends who love you equally back. Not that Kate was a bad friend, you guys were just tiny kids, but you weren’t really picking up on her “Im just not that into you vibes”

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When Nicholas moved away, you started to invest more interest in a little boy named Ryo, and he soon became your next boyfiend. Nicholas was sweet and romantic, Ryo was more of the cool hipster bad boy that played hard to get. You guys would have had super cute children. Im pretty good friends with his mom so maybe you guys stayed close and the thought of making babies with him is nasty. If you guys have lost touch definitely look him up too.

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Just look at this passionate relationship so far? He took you for a ride on his tractor, then you got all pissed at him in the pool (probably for checking out another tot in her two piece) then you tried to make up to him in the tent thing but by the evidence on his face he was more interested in his ice cream. Finally, you two rekindle the flame in the outdoor hot tub. You guys have done more romantic things than your father and me. Like I said, look him up. Just saying’

You have had 3 pretty close friends that you met at your current preschool. Their names are Sophina, Audrey and Tyler. Audrey’s mommy is like my spirit animal and I adore her so much. She has an actual legit blog that tells you useful information. Tyler is the sweetest thing on the planet and I bet you remain friends with her because you guys are both going on to the same school.

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Finally, you have the friends that I force you to hang out with because their mom’s are my best friends from my own childhood. You get to vacation with them and Current Stella loves to stalk them on Instagram. They are both boys and quite a bit younger but because their Mamas are like sisters to me I have a feeling you will always keep tabs on them. Their names are Mason and Felix.

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At your preschool their philosophy is to be a kind and caring friend. I love this so much because I don’t care if you know your numbers or can write your name but you better sure as shit be a nice human who can make connections with people and do selfless acts of kindness in the name of friendship. Thus far, you have proved to be a much nicer friend than me and so Im fairly confident that this won’t be your issue and that makes me smile so big right now thinking about it.

Current Stella is a phenomenal friend. She plans her playdates days in advance. She obsesses over having snacks available that she knows her friends like. She takes out activities that she thinks they will find amusing,even if they are things she doesn’t really like herself. She will wear her playdate’s favorite color on that day to make them happy. She talks about the upcoming playdate ad nauseam. Now that I think about it, maybe this behavior has nothing to do with good friendship, but just indicates an early interest in the profession of party planning? Oh. My. Effing. G!!! Throw me a party for my birthday!!! I have never had a surprise party but I totally have always wanted one. You are the best Future Child anyone could ever ask for.

Future Stella, I love you. Current Stella, you have told me multiple times that I am your best friend. I know all kids say that to their moms, but I still think its really cool. BFF’s for Life!!!

Love,

Mom

How Babies Are Made

Dear Future Stella,

I am sure you know how babies are made by now and I really hope I had nothing to do with you figuring that out- that is what school and friends are for. However, tonight the topic came up with Current Stella and I thought you would find it funny. 

We went out to dinner at the Indian place by my work (Current Stella loves it). She basically ate 3 whole orders of naan. I teased her and told her that she looked pregnant. She laughed and said her tummy was just full of naan and that it wasn’t a baby. I asked her if she knew how a woman gets pregnant. She said yes and went on to describe how when a mommy is 15 or 12 years old she goes to the doctor and then the beautiful  baby comes out. I said, “right, but how does the baby get in the tummy?” Current Stella was appalled by my ignorance and said that the mommy finds one on the street and eats it. Then the baby grows in the stomach and then the doctor takes it out.  Duh. 

I clearly told her that she was totally right. She then asked if I was still 15 years old and I said yes. She seemed satisfied with these answers.

Later, we saw a baby in a stroller on the street and I asked Current Stella if I should eat it so she could have a sibling. She said, “No! That’s someone else’s baby! You need to find one that is this big,” (and then shows me with her fingers a size that is roughly 3 inches). She went on to say that this 3 inch baby can’t already have a mom. I have to find it by itself lying on the street. So fucked up, Current Stella. I have to find a 12 week old fetus just chilling on the sidewalk? Then eat it? No wonder you don’t have a sibling! 

Future Stella, I love you. Current Stella, you have absolutely no idea how babies are made BUT your coat game has been so strong lately! Here are a couple of pictures of you wearing the most adorable jackets known to man! 

   

 

Love,

Mom 

What I Do While I’m at Work

Dear Future Stella,

My job (as a hair colorist) is great. I hope you have witnessed that in your life. It sounds really cheesy, but I get paid to do something I find very fun. I look forward to going and I spend my day being creative, laughing, listening, learning, and zoning out in my own world. Coloring hair is like knitting. Once you get through the consultation and the formulation, the rest is like auto-pilot-second-nature. Your hands take over and they just do their thing while your brain oscillates between listening to what your client is saying and forming its own thoughts. I will give you a little recap of my very crazy day today at the salon.

My first client was actually a co-worker’s regular customer but I was filing in while she was on vacation. We commiserated over having kids with summer birthdays and we both joked that we would have planned a little better had we known what a nightmare it is! We also had a laugh because we were both a little tipsy when we found out we were pregnant. I told her one of my favorite stories of when I found out I was pregnant and I needed to find an OB. Through the website of my insurance I discovered a list of doctors that were in my network.  I dialed a 1-800 number and proceeded to tell the person who answered the phone that I believed I was pregnant and needed to make an appointment. She kindly told me that I had called a suicide hotline. I wasn’t sure if that was a sign and part of me wanted to remain on the line and talk to her! Just kidding, Future Stella, although I was shocked and terrified that I was pregnant, I never wanted to take my own life. Those moments didn’t come until much later (roughly 9 months) when you wouldn’t stop screaming. Kidding. 

My next client is a single divorcee and we basically talk about men and how much they suck. To make her feel better l always make your dad sound like a total dick and not worth having. It’s fun because I get to say all the dumb shit he does and it seems to make her satisfied.

Client #3 is a longtime regular. She’s a therapist and so I like to turn the tables and ask her to talk a lot about herself. My theory is that I love getting my scalp massaged every now and then, so why wouldn’t she enjoy discussing the nightmares of her childhood?

Oh God, next client is one of those strange cat lovers. I made the mistake of telling her we had a cat (back when we did) and now that’s literally all we discuss. This is the first client today that I totally zoned out on and thought about you. Every once and awhile I would say things like “uh-huh”, “aw!” , and “that’s crazy.” All of those responses are always appropriate for any topic of conversation. I thought about you and wondered what you were doing. I tried to guess if you were still in your pajamas. I also remembered that I was low on face wash and needed to pick some up after work. 

My next client brought a book. When I see this it makes me party on the inside. Truthfully, I don’t mind talking or not talking, they are both great. I just don’t like when you don’t know which the client prefers. Bringing a book is like code for “I don’t want to talk.” It’s funny though, sometimes bringing a book is the same as telling someone not to laugh or not to look- It sometimes makes me really want to talk. I’m a total bookworm so I always want to know what the book is about and then I usually have a lot of follow up questions. It’s always the clients who bring books that I all of sudden remember a story that I want to tell them or am dying to know where they got their shoes. Today, though, I let her read and I became completely obsessed with the conversation going on next to me. Other people’s lives are truly fascinating.

My next highlight client is one that loves to talk about hair. We spend the whole time discussing trends, products, and techniques. You can tell she reads a lot of magazines and has a lot of opinions. Having picky clients is actually fun. It challenges me in a way that keeps me on my toes. The “do whatever you think” clients are awesome, but the ones who know what they want and expect exact results are extremely satisfying. 

The next client I had is someone I see a lot- a super regular. Due to the frequency of her visits, we basically know every single thing about eachother. There are a few clients that I allow into my very personal life, and she is one of them. No bullshit or pleasantries, we just get right to it. I filled her in on the last two weeks of my life, and I honestly believe she knows more up-to-date details on my life than my own parents. 

My next one was new which is always a wild card. New clients usually are there because they have been unhappy with their last person and that typically means “shit show that needs a ton of work.” Luckily, this one was a transplant from another city and had really cute hair. She was really sweet and told me about her upcoming trip to Japan. I nerd out sometime when clients tell me things that interest me. All of a sudden I become a news reporter of sorts and ask VERY detailed questions at rapid fire speed. She told me about her husband’s friend, who they are going to Japan with- He is over 6 feet tall with red hair who is obsessed with Japan. He has been 7 times. I don’t know why this little detail stuck with me but I kept picturing that extremely tall ginger amongst the tiny Japanese for the remainder of my day. It made me smile. 

My next client is all about the pleasantries. We discuss the weather, which sometimes naturally leads to an allergy conversation. Today we exchanged our Easter plans and we both confirmed that all things were well at home. As boring as these clients are, I can totally relate to them because sometimes I am that client and other times I am the one who brings a book. I’m pretty quiet and keep to myself and I always assume the other person doesn’t REALLY care about the personal details of my life. I am never the TMI client- I had one of those a little later in the day that I will tell you about  :)

Next client is sort of like the one who brought a book, except this one brought a lap top and headphones. This is the ultimate “I don’t want to talk” client and it’s even difficult to discuss the haircolor part. This client will use sign language to say they want to do the same as last time or attempt to just pull up a photo on their laptop and expect me to just use that as my inspiration. Nevermind that the picture is black and white and mostly of the woman’s perfect body rolling around the beach. Ah, but the zoning out time is glorious. This is where I make mental lists, make up stories about the tall red head in Japan, and try and guess what you will be like in 20 years. During this client I formed a grocery list, visualized a summer calendar and tried to brainstorm what to do with you during the endless weeks without school, and came up with the idea to blog about what a day in the life of my job looks like. I would have loved to know details like this of my own mother so I hope you like it. 

Next one is the TMI client. She will loudly tell me details that can even make me blush! Today, she was talking about how she’s trying to find someone to repair her bed because “Mama got slammed on it a few too many times…” She cusses, she demands things, she will awkwardly tell my other clients bizarre stories. She adores me though and is crazy loyal. I like her because she says what she thinks all the time. I wonder all the time what that would feel like! 

My last client is always needing referrals and advice. During the application of her color I single handedly planned her daughter’s 3rd birthday, complete with party favors and links to vendors. I gave her 3 restaurant recommendations, told her where to get laser hair removal, and came up with a costume idea for her husband for an upcoming themed party. With these clients I feel like a consierge service but I don’t really mind! My job is this wonderful network of giving and taking knowledge. My clients are the reason you are at a great school, the reason you have a great wardrobe and they have given me such great advice. Just today a client told me that her daughter went from loving princesses to being a total tomboy and it was such a relief to know that 4 year old Stella isn’t my forever Stella. Sometimes, usually with book and lap top clients, I picture you as a 20 year old wearing a princess dress and requesting plain noodles with butter and cheese at a restaurant in New York. 

All in all, today was a great day and I was mostly happy with all of my work. As an artist, I don’t think anything I do is ever perfect but nothing walked out of the salon that made me cringe (at least not their hair color). By the time I was finished, my feet were killing me and I couldn’t wait to get home and see you. 

Future Stella, I love you. Current Stella, your preschool sends us a weekly email summarizing your week. This past week you guys were asked to say something that you loved about yourself. You said your hair. Man I was a proud mommy, and Kiddo, you really do have hair to die for, trust me, I have seen every kind in the world! 

Love,

Mom

Im Running Away with Gail

Dear Future Stella,

Current Stella has been getting hives every morning for the past couple of weeks. The hives appear on one part of her body, stay for about 15 minutes, and then vanish. Its so bizarre. Google isn’t very helpful and her doctor’s appointment isn’t until next week. The only things that happen every morning without fail are:

*she eats a waffle with strawberry jelly
*she plays with the both dogs (Phyllis and Gail)
*she brushes her teeth

Every other thing that happens in the morning is completely variable, but the above mentioned 3 things happen no matter what. Our older dog, Phyllis, who we have had since before you were born, is most likely hypoallergenic. Current Stella has had waffles with strawberry jelly for breakfast for years and she has been brushing her teeth for even longer. The only logical suspect is our new puppy, Gail, who I’m ridiculously obsessed with.

With this knowledge, I think the only responsible decision is for me to run away with Gail. We are in love, we can’t get enough of each other and I think we belong on a beach, staring into each other’s eyes for the rest of eternity. We complete each other, and we have so much in common. She’s obviously making Current Stella break out in hives, which isn’t fair for anyone. It may sound harsh, but if I run away with Gail then Current Stella would at least have her dad and Phyllis. If we get rid of Gail then that poor dog won’t have anyone. Gail is basically perfect- everything I have ever wanted in a life partner and then some.

I really tried to do the right thing by explaining to Gail that we couldn’t keep her if we found out that our only child was allergic to her. Gail just gave me this face

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So you get it, right? Nobody says no to that face. Only a total delusional person could look at that face and say, “Yup, we have to get rid of you.” Im really glad you understand.

I won’t buy our tickets to the Maldives just yet, I will wait for the doctor to confirm what I pretty much already know. That being said, I have been wrong before. When you were a newborn I was fairly certain something really sharp must have been lodged in your body somewhere, based on the frequency in which you felt the need to cry. Turns out, thats just what babies do. Then, there was the time I was convinced you were deaf- why else would you completely ignore my every “no”?

While we wait for the doctor to tell us what is happening with Current Stella, Gail and I are both going to do a juice cleanse for bikini reasons.

Future Stella, I love you. Current Stella, guess what? You actually got into our first choice Kindergarten!!!!! We found out today. Phew. I asked you if you knew what a uniform is (because the school that you will be going to makes you wear one) and you answered very confidently that you did. I asked you what it is and you said that its when you have a sharp horn coming out of your forehead. You clearly thought I said unicorn and so I think that maybe you believe that you will be a unicorn next year….

Saying Goodbye to an Awesome Babysitter

Dear Future Stella,

I went back to work when you were 11 weeks old. I did this for many reasons. No bullshit, the main reasons were financial. Our family relied on my income and my job as a hair colorist is unforgiving to long absences (If I’m not there to cover their grey, someone else will gladly do it). I also wanted to go back because Im one of those weirdos who genuinely love my job and it satisfies me. Another huge reason is that I really don’t like temporary anything, I like consistent routine. Being on maternity leave was a tease and I didn’t want to get too used to that life because I knew I would be heading back to work so I just wanted to “rip the band aid off” and do it already.

The hardest part was clearly finding someone to care for you while I was at work. Your dad and I have always been fortunate with our jobs in the sense that we work fairly reasonable hours and we have only about 13 hours a week of overlap where we are both working. That’s pretty damn amazing considering we both work full time. Finding a qualified loving nanny for only 13 hours a week is much like finding a vegetable that Current Stella will eat- it’s REALLY hard!

We found Cynthia, who met you for the first time when you were 7 weeks old. We interviewed her at a Starbucks and she just had this nurturing way about her that made me feel a bit inadequate, but relieved at the same time. During one of our questions to her you started fussing in your bassinet. Cynthia just picked you right up and started soothing you, while answering the question. It was quite impressive. Anyway, we basically hired Cynthia on the spot.

Cynthia was with our family for 3 years, those same pathetic 13 hours a week, year after year. She started out at 15 dollars per hour and then we gave her a raise each year. I would have given her double if we could have afforded it. She really was a Godsend. She spoke Spanish to you, left our house spotless, and formed this bond with you that I hope you never forget.

Cynthia got married, then pregnant, and decided to move to start a family of her own. We were truly devastated, as I had pictured her being with our family until the day you went off to college. Im really not joking, that is how much she became a part of our family.
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Finding a replacement for Cynthia was painful and almost impossible. Talk about enormous shoes to fill! To spare you the crazy long details, we did eventually find 2 people to replace her, Holli and Mariah. The two of them split the hours and they were both a total blessing in disguise. As much as I missed, and will always miss Cynthia, those two young girls were able to play with and challenge a 3 year old girl. My house wasn’t always the cleanest, and your Spanish definitely went to shit, but these girls PLAYED with you like I have never seen before. They took an interest in your development, and spent a lot of time just giving you the undivided attention that an only child would typically get if they were in any other family but ours! It sounds strange to call it a friendship, but thats really the best way to label what it was that you guys had. You enjoyed their company so much and would looked forward to showing them things and they arrived each week with new ideas of fun things you guys could do together.

Sadly, Holli’s last day was today. She decided to make a life change and move back in with her parents in Southern California. Its going to be fine because Mariah has committed to taking all the hours so we won’t have to find another new person, BUT I am really sad to see her go. She did really fun things with you all of the time. Holli would take you to Chuck E. Cheeses. Who, besides an absolute angel/lunatic, would take anyone there? Seriously, Future Stella, that place better not still exist. Its nasty. Holli would take you to the library and the park and even just plain old Target. From the moment she got here until the moment she left she would just play with you. You adored her so much. Sometimes I would be lucky enough to come home early and get to witness your relationship with her. It was always reassuring to see first hand that while I was at work, you were having the time of your life.

In honor of her leaving we took some pretty cute pictures of you that we framed and gave to her as a parting gift.
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Future Stella, I love you. Current Stella, you told Holli that you love the way she always brings you so much love and that she taught you how to make butterfly shadows and draw butterflies. You told her that your favorite thing she does is cook you dinner because it always tastes yummy. What. The. Fuck? I cook for you most nights. I make meals from scratch and spend a useless amount of time preparing meals that you instantly refuse. What does Holli make you for dinner that is so “yummy?” She basically reheats the dinners that I have made and that you won’t eat. Not cool Current Stella, not cool.

Love,

Mom

Beer!

Dear Future Stella, 

Today is the day after St. Patrick’s Day- and this post was meant for yesterday but I was so drunk that I couldn’t type. Sadly, I’m kidding. I was actually trying to hunt down an old photo of you to include in this post and I couldn’t, for the life of me, find that son of a bitch. 

I did eventually find it- using the very advanced technique called Looking At Every Fucking Picture I Have Ever Taken In My Life. This method is tedious but it works. It basically took me all day. Worst St. Patrick’s Day Ever. 

St Patrick’s Day is all about wearing green and drinking beer. Speaking of wearing green, if you are a young adult (which I’m not anymore) and live in our neighborhood apparently the only green garments available are from a lingerie store. These stores also seem to be out of every size but XS. They are probably lingerie stores for leprachauns, somebody should inform all of my neighbors. 

Speaking of beer, drinking lots of it while wearing tiny green clothes is a recipe for awesomeness. Your dad and I love to drive around and see all of the stumbling, green-clad, obviously freezing humans. Your dad and I will drink beer on certain  occassions. We like it, but it’s not usually our first choice. There are 10 scenarios when beer is preferred- 

1) on a lake 

2) at a sporting event/ Sports Bar

3) Before 10am in Mexico. After that- tequila is the top choice.

4) After 10pm in Mexico, if we have had too much tequila

5) At any event where the wine choices are sub par

6) when I’m home alone and the effort of opening a wine bottle seems too difficult. Or when I’m home alone and it’s unclear which of your Dad’s wine collection is fair game. Or when I’m home alone and I feel like drinking a beer.

7) when you’re out to lunch on a Tuesday and your friend orders a beer first and you don’t want them to feel weird by ordering a triple martini (your first choice). I either order a water to make them feel weird or I go with a beer to fit in. Depends on my mood.

8) when we are on antibiotics or other scenarios where we are not supposed to be drinking. 

9) when we are wine tasting and we get a little thirsty. This is called a beer intermission.

10) On St. Patrick’s Day. 

Baby Stella and Current Stella have already had some experience in the beer department. Your dad has trained you to bring him beer in all the above mentioned approved scenarios.





Current Stella looked so cute on St. Patrick’s Day

Future Stella, I Love You. Current Stella, quit taking photos of the ground, or your dolls feet, or me angled up while I’m eating. All of these worthless photos are the reason it took me all day to locate a single photo. 

Love, 

Mom