The Moment I Realized Your Dad Will Never Pull a Bruce Jenner

Dear Future Stella,

The title probably sounds confusing because Bruce Jenner most likely doesn’t mean to you what he means to me. Just google it (or however people get instant information in 2025) because I don’t have the time, nor the facts to fully catch you up to speed but basically a few nights ago he told the world, via Diane Sawyer on 20/20, that he was transitioning from male to female. He always had feelings that his soul was of a woman’s even though he was born in a man’s body. A very strong, muscular man looking body. He was married 3 times and had 6 biological kids and 4 step kids. He finally had the courage to make the transition at 65. 

Your dad has a very strong, muscular body as well. Your dad is also pretty fem. He does laundry, he cooks, he decorates, he likes to go shopping, and he enjoys it a little too much when you pretend to curl his hair and put makeup on him. He bakes the best cookies. He can tell if I’m wearing a new shirt. He has several pink articles of clothing. I realize that I’m being very sexist and I understand that men and can like girl things and vise versa without their being any question about a persons gender or sexual identity. I get that. I’m just merely pointing out that IF your dad did come forward and say he wants to be a woman I can’t exactly say this would blindside me. That is until a few nights ago when Current Stella and your dad had the following interaction. I’m in the other room doing my makeup.

Current Stella-

Daddy, can you fix my Barbie? Her arm came off again.

Daddy-

Sure, Sweetie.

*he takes the Barbie and begins to operate on the arm. Very delicately he snaps the arm back into the joint and then says,

This isn’t the first time this Barbie has had an arm come off when you were changing her clothes. I think this one should just stay in one outfit and not switch it so the arm stays in place.

 

Several moments pass while myself and Current Stella weigh the insanity of the proposal your dad just made. Um? Never change her outfit? Like, ever again? Just keep her in the same tired faux leather dress forever? What if she is going to the beach? Just keep her in that skank dress? Ok, that makes no sense. Literally the only point of Barbies is so that you can change their clothes and make them have sex all over the dream house with multiple partners on multiple surfaces in multiple outfits. That’s it. Every single real girl knows this. At least every soul of every girl knows this. I was overwhelmed with injustice for Current Stella in conjunction with relief for myself that I can now guarantee that your Dad will never sit down and tell us he is going to transition into a woman. 

Current Stella-

but no, Daddy.

*almost in tears (rightfully so),

I have to change her outfit all the time. It’s ok if she only has one arm.

 

I couldn’t have said it better myself. If I had to chose between one outfit or one arm for the rest of my life I would pick the amputee situation with an overflowing closet. That Barbie deserves this same basic right. 

Here are some photos of you playing with Barbies

   
          
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Here is your dad doing chick stuff
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Cooking
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Decorating
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Picking fruit wearing a pink shirt
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Drinking champagne wearing a pink shirt
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Being obsessed with Disney princesses

Future Stella, I love you. Current Stella, you had your very first sleepover this weekend. Im going to tell you more about that in my next post.

Love,

Mom

Details of Your Parent’s Date Night

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Dear Future Stella,
I fall asleep most nights thinking about things I want to write to you about and then by the morning I convince myself that they are boring and uninteresting so I don’t go through with it. I’m also having a lazy week where simple tasks (like removing my makeup) seem like a job that someone should pay me for. If you ever have felt like life would be so glorious if it could happen entirely on a couch, then you can thank me for yet another trait that I gifted you with. In fact, you are already showing signs of this genetic lethargy. Recently, you have turned your favorite blanket into “a boat” that you row around our house to get from room to room. Some child expert would probably say this was just another example of a child’s active imagination, but I can spot an apple that has fallen from my tree and I can almost guarantee this is just an excuse not to walk. It also could be the very early stages of inventing Uber Apartment, an app that physically moves you from room to room without having to actually use any energy.
  
 

Finally, tonight something happened that was worth telling you about. Your dad and I had a date night. We like to do this on Thursdays and I cannot think of anything more important to know than a very detailed account of your parents alone time together…..20 years ago. 

We decided to try a new restaurant that just opened in San Francisco, after all, that’s why we pay a nauseating amount of money to live here, right? We picked a spot that comes from a strong lineage of very successful popular eateries in SF. It was a Spanish tapas restaurant in the Castro that just opened their doors a week ago. That played hip hop music. 90’s hip hop. Specifically Dr. Dre and Eminem. No, exclusively Dr. Dre and Eminem. Makes sense, no? Being a party of 2, we of course were sat at a table that was barely bigger than a clipboard and wedged between 2 other itty bitty tables. You know the kind im talking about- where you have to suck in and lift all of your belongings over head just to squeeze into your seat? Even though we were inches apart from eachother it sounded like we were speaking through prison glass but without a phone. Meaning, we literally couldn’t hear a word the other person was saying. So San Francisco. Thank God for the Eminem beats. Naturally you could perfectly hear everything the stranger next to you was saying so this place was designed for married couples. We hear eachother talk all the time. 

The menu was your standard list of pretentious words in a foreign language that make absolutely no sense at all. We made the fatal mistake of asking our waiter which items from the menu he suggests. He proceeded to list all the items that sounded the least appealing and made the least amount of sense. 

To stall, your dad ordered us a glass of rose and made a comment about how he really enjoys going to restaurants where you are legitimately terrified to try the food. Not allowing his sarcasm to sabotage date night, I act like I’m so down to try snail penis and rabbit guts and calmly tell him that he really needs to broaden his horizons. 

We order a bunch of shit that we have never even heard of and we both guzzle our wine in hopes that we won’t taste, or at least remember, what we are about to eat. 

First thing the kitchen brings out is bread. We both let out a giant sigh of relief. Starvation is officially out of the question. Just when that warm glutenly goodness is about to reach our lips, our waiter brings us a jar filled with mussels swimming in a red sauce to dip our bread in. Reluctantly we go for it. Phew. It’s good. Not delicious. Not repulsive. I look around (because I cannot make out a word your dad is saying) and I’m bobbing my head to “Forgot about Dre” and I’m thinking we should totally go to Spain. We are so totally in Barcelona right now and it’s epic. 

Next thing that came out was an $18 charcuterie plate. We both love meat so we figured this dish would be a slam dunk. On a plate no bigger than Current Stella’s palm sat 6 slices of chorizo and 5 tiny pickled carrots. It’s worth mentioning that the slices of chorizo were the exact size of a quarter, except they cost 3 dollars each. 

There was a section of the menu called pintxos. The 4 items listed under that were all unrecognizable words (hopefully in Spanish, but could very well have been written by Eminem) with a few English clues that referenced possibly the most unappetizing, shockingly considered edible, items on the planet. At the bottom of the list was an option to try them all. The restaurant called this a Pintxo Flight for $12.50. Sold. The first thing we tried was on a skewer and since I have no idea what it actually was, I can only tell you what it looked and tasted like. It looked like a a piece of pepperincini pepper, a sliver of green olive, and a sample of those worms that come out after it rains. It tasted like a salty-rancid-fish-dare. Something that would require a reward of sorts for a person to actually swallow and digest. We both took a moment after we swallowed and I can’t be sure what your Dad was saying or thinking, but I was appreciating Current Stella a little bit and wondering if this is how she feels when we require her to try green beans. 

Next on the sampler plate was a Sea Urchin egg. I’m not a fisherman or a marine biologist but I don’t think Sea Urchins lay eggs but, to be fair, I didn’t go to college. This dish tasted just like a devilled egg. I was just starting to feel adventurous and then they serve us the most basic american appetizer ever. 

Following this utterly confusing treat was a cured duck toast. This was a slice of toast with asparagus and goat cheese and a tiny harmless slice of cured duck on top of it. I’m not in marketing at all, but maybe include the words asparagus and goat cheese on the menu?  This was super yummy but I was sweating thinking about what a cured duck toast was going to be like, and man, the reality was so much better than the verbage! 

Last on the sampler plate was a fava bean and chorizo croqueta. This actually sounded good but it was the size of a marble, so splitting it in 2 was a small miracle and the taste of my own saliva overpowered the whole dish. 

To finish off our meal we ordered the patatas gravas and some spicy onion dish that our waiter recommended. Oh, and a glass of red wine. Patatas gravas are a given in every Spanish restaurant so it would be Un-American not to order them. For instance, if you are in Japan and eating at an American restaurant you better order the hot dog. The patatas (I like saying that word because you get to say ta-tas) were as good as any hot dog I have ever had. To best describe the onion dish, it’s easiest to just provide a recipe. First, buy a bundle of giant scallions. This restuarant claims their’s is a special onion only grown in Spain but that one person figured out how to grow in SF and exclusively grew it for this dish. Let there be no mistake about it, it’s a scallion. Take the scallion and throw it in a pan (don’t bother to cut it, they didn’t) and cook it for barely 10 seconds so it still tastes raw and then toss it in some spicy pasta sauce and, voila. Sounds great, right?

The waiter asked if we wanted dessert. Yeah. Fucking. Right. No thanks, Buddy. I heard you tell the table next to us that you only have 1 dessert and then you said about 6 words that sounded Latin and then the words creme brûlée. We are going to pass.

After dinner we still had an hour left before the sitter was off and considered what we should do. We narrowed it down to making out in the car parked in the Castro or rushing home so we could kiss you goodnight. I’m not telling you which one we picked….
Future Stella, I love you. Current Stella, this morning Gail the Puppy chewed up the sandals you really wanted to wear to school. You were so pissed and while I was trying to find the sandals on the Internet to reorder (because I’m the nicest mom ever) you slapped my phone out of my hands. I raised my voice at you because we were late and we left the house both totally angry. As soon as we got on the bus you said nothing but slid on to my lap and enveloped me in a hug and said you were so sorry. Sometime I wish I could just apologize as quickly as you can. You inspire me to want to try harder at that. I should have been saying sorry to you for getting so impatient. I should say sorry a lot more in my life and I hope that trait of yours rubs off on me. I’m teaching you how to be lazy and you are showing me how to say sorry and make amends before problems fester. This is a mutually beneficial relationship.
Love,

Mom

Our Week Recap

Dear Future Stella,

We have done some pretty fun stuff these past couple of days. Current Stella is evolving into this little lady that doesn’t totally suck to spend time with.  Who knew? 

As a family we went to Sushi on Saturday night. Current Stella tried 5 new foods 

*raw yellowtail

*cucumber

*avocado

*seaweed

*beef gyoza

In exchange for trying these foods Current Stella was allowed to pick out 5 things from Amazon.com, making this sushi dinner stupid expensive. Here are the 5 things she wanted to get

*Frozen glitter gliders

*the Elsa and Anna flip and switch castle

*a package of 10 Barbie shoes

*a Cinderella Barbie

*some other frozen bullshit thing that looks just like a ton of other worthless crap you have accumulated. 

I try to encourage trying new foods in ways  that don’t involve forcing or other food incentives, like dessert. Although you are technically being motivated to try new foods by the reward of toys, we don’t sit there and beg and pressure. If you do it- great, if you don’t, we are just as happy because we are not as broke. It’s a total win-win.

On Sunday we went to brunch with my mommy bestie (the incredible Kelly) and her daughter, Current Stella’s classmate, Audrey. We ate at Tipsy Pig and Kelly bought Current Stella a book at the local bookstore. Here’s a shocker- it was a princess book. I will never understand this obsession, but I understand less the groups of moms who are totally anti and try and steer their daughters in other directions. As if! It’s like a princess has invaded her body and there is nothing I can do to stop the incessant princess language, attire, or behavior. I just tune it out with the help of wine and good friends.

  

Here is Audrey, flipping me off. You two cuties are really just a pleasure. It’s called Tipsy Pig for a reason and so I’m pretty sure I’m just chugging vodka by this point. Just kidding, I’m actually nursing a Bloody Mary because the night before was a rough one.

On Monday it was both the first day back to school from Spring Break and  the opening day for the San Francisco Giants so I decided to have friends over to watch the game and celebrate the beginning of our favorite season. Naturally, this meant sending Current Stella to school in head to toe Giants gear. As soon as I dropped her off I received an email from her school reminding me that today was picture day. Fucking perfect. 90% of the time time Current Stella is a walking fashion billboard, and the day it’s actually going to be captured by professionals, I send her to school looking like some sort of sporty spice. 

 

 

Whatever, I guarantee this picture will be cuter than your actual cheerleading pics (if you ever became one). So if you ever have wondered why you are wearing fan gear in your school photo, that is why. 

The Giants party was super fun but we lost. In attendance was the Kimbroughs (duh), Annie and Andy, Kara, Phillip, and Gail The Puppy. It was ballpark food themed so I was in heaven.    

    

After most everyone left Current Stella and Annie snuggled up and read a book. Hopefully she is still in your life- your bond is pretty special and it’s such an awesome mom feeling when your friends make an effort to connect with your kids. 

   

Ok, confession. I just wanted to show that last picture because it looks like Gail the Puppy is totes dancing like a boss. Although my friends reading to my kid is sweet, let’s be honest, if Gail wasn’t doing the Macarena then this photo would never had made it to the future.

On Tuesday Kelly and myself took Current Audrey and Current Stella to the DeYoung museum to see the Bouquets de Art exhibit. I really wanted to take her there because Current Stella is obsessed with flowers of any kind. This exhibit brings in floral designers from all over the area to make arrangements that compliment the museum’s art. It’s absolutely stunning what some people can do with flowers.

   

          

Ugh. You better still be friends with Audrey. She’s such a badass little kid. 

 

 

It has been a great couple of days. Tonight Current Stella was being a slight pill when I got home from work. Not anything crazy like OxyContin, more like a Tylenol, but a pill none the less. 

Future Stella, I love you. Current Stella, your Grandpa sent you a coloring book of all the native flowers in California today. You LOVED this and immediately wanted to color in it and learn about all the flower names. You were very curious about pansies and I told you that it was your dad’s favorite flower. When he got home you attempted to share this newfound knowledge with him (as I was hoping) but you butchered it and said, “Daddy, Mommy told me you like panties.” This made him beam. Child, do you have any idea how many times I have set you up for the greatest joke of all time and it backfires and the joke ends up being on me?  All your fault. 

Love,

Mom

Its Hard Out Here For a Mom

Dear Future Stella,

Being a mom is hard sometimes. Not because of you, but just trying to “be a mom” is tricky for me. You are actually a super easy kid for the most part. You sucked in utero but after that you have been pretty low maitenance. Due to this, it sometimes makes it hard for me to relate to common mom issues.

 For example, you slept through the night at around 5 weeks of age. You were sleeping 12 hours a night by 11 weeks (thank God because that’s the week I returned to work). Moms don’t like to hear this. We didn’t let you cry. You were just easy that way. I won’t pretend I didn’t read a lot about baby sleep or try hard to promote good sleep- I did. I even had a spreadsheet to ensure that you took the adequate amount of naps and consumed the right amount of milk to promote sleep.  However, you didn’t put up a fight. You just slept. Moms hate it even more when I say that your sleep wasn’t affected by travel or sickness. I don’t know why, but you just went to sleep. 

You didn’t really have a strong “no” phase. In fact, I have some pretty hilarious videos of you saying “yes” to everything including getting your tongue pierced and going to prison. No mom wants to hear that. Again, not saying you were an angel but this just wasn’t a huge issue in our house.

Current Stella sits still at restaurants. She’s quiet on long car rides. She plays for a very long time by herself. We have white rugs and breakable decor at arms reach.  She lets me dress her however I want, no fight. To this day, bed time is bed time. Current Stella will vocally protest some days for maybe 15 seconds- maybe. When asked, she cleans up her toys, takes care of the dogs, brushes her teeth and plugs in my phone. 

I make fun of Current Stella on this blog a lot and she definitely has her moments, but all in all, shes a really terrific well behaved child. She doesn’t eat any food with any nutritional value but that’s about the only gripe I have that I can commiserate with other moms about. 

When I’m standing in a circle of moms and everyone is going on and on about these issues I feel so out of place. I want to add to the commentary and offer relatable scenarios but often times I just can’t. You can be a cry baby and a tattle tale and I welcome these discussions because I want so bad to feel like the mom who just needs to vent about their kid because I find “That Mom” so very endearing and brave and heroic. That’s the kind of Mom I signed up for and was prepared to be. I don’t sugar coat and I went into this role totally prepared to tell it like it is and leave no horrible detail out. Instead, I have this crazy easy child who just goes with the flow and is super nice all the time and can’t love anything or anyone hard enough.

It’s late, and I don’t know where I was going with this but it’s been on my mind a lot today. I was telling my clients about our Spring Break trip today and all my mom clients were shocked that I could take you to wineries and that you didn’t, I don’t know, throw corks at the wine glasses. They wanted to know if you ran around on the train. They asked about “kid friendly” restaurants. I don’t really know how to proceed in these conversations. I don’t want to sound like the asshole who says “um? My kid just lounges at wineries and on trains (with the help of coloring books and iPads) and she goes to whatever restuarant (she might not eat any of the food) but she’s not going to cause a scene.” No mom wants to hear that shit. So I pretend that you sucked a little and the trip barely was considered a vacation because you were such a disaster. 

Every Mom is going to say that being a parent is hard. It really is hard. For some moms it’s the realization that they will never be able to have a typical relaxing family vacation for many years, or sleep through the night for the better part of a decade, or have an orderly house, or just one week without an emergency room visit due to children inflicted wounds. I can’t identify with that Mom at all, but I do totally get how all of those things would suck so hard. I think it’s hard in my own, less identifiable, ways. 

I also know by writing this that it’s like asking for the ultimate jinx. Perhaps you are going to be the absolute shittiest teenager or maybe you will turn 20 and be a legitimate psychopath. Maybe then I will be able to sit around and talk shit about how terrible you are. Part of me hopes so because I believe in fairness and equality but most of me hopes that you stay super easy and enjoyable. 

I also can’t imagine having another child to add to the situation. Those moms with more than one kid deserve some sort of hashtagged holiday on social media. Today is #nationalsiblingday which actually should be more for their parents and the hashtag should be #holyfuckihavemorethanonekidandthatshitishardday. I know with absolute certainty that my next kid would be a lot like Hitler so I stopped. Has anyone in the history of the world won the lottery twice? Didn’t think so. 

Future Stella, I love you. Current Stella, tonight  while sitting on my lap you told me that you liked my shirt. It’s a v-neck Orange tank top. Your dad asked you if you liked the inside of the shirt too. You yanked the front of my shirt down (exposing my bra) to check and your dad thought he was the most clever guy that ever lived. Just wait until you compliment his pants…..

Love,

Mom

Oh Sheet! 

Dear Future Stella,
Does putting sheets on a bed still totally suck in 2025? I just had to put sheets on our bed all by myself last night. I can count on one hand the amount of times I have had to do that (it’s usually your Dad’s job) and it always shocks me how ridiculously frustrating that task is. I spend the first 15 minutes debating if I have it facing the right way. Then I start tucking in each corner. I usually get 2 of the 4 corners done before I realize that I have it horizontal and I need to rotate it. Would it be so hard to put some fucking arrows or something that indicate which way it should be facing? I guess I could get sheets with a striped pattern on it or something to end the confusion but still, I would probably forget which way the stripes were supposed to go. Man, that last corner is such a bitch and it is basically impossible to tuck under. You have to have the strength of an ox, and depending on where your bed is located, the flexibility of a contortionist. There has to be an easier way. 

Current Stella has a bunk bed in her new room that I have not had to change the sheets on yet. I’m dreading it to the point of wondering if kids really need sheets. If it’s determined that they do, then I might go the sleeping bag route. She loves camping and if one day she wants sheets then she can do it herself.

Anyway, Future Stella, I bet they have figured this out for you. I’m picturing an electronic situation much like those automatic toilet seat cover machines. Some alert will happen on a device when the dirt ratio has reached its max on the sheets and then it will automatically rotate. You are such a lucky spoiled little brat if you have this device. 
Today at work my hair highlighting comb went missing. It’s basically the only thing I need to do my job that doesn’t have a duplicate. It’s my baby (besides Gail the Puppy obviously) and I can’t do my job without it. There are 6 colorists at my salon and 3 of us use the same type of highlighting comb. When any of ours goes missing we usually check amongst eachother first. Today nobody had mine. In order to be able to still work on my clients I had to visit the highlighting comb convalescent hospital. These combs still technically function but they are missing teeth and are on the verge of totally dying. You would have to be a hair colorist to understand why folding up foils with a comb that is missing teeth sucks so bad, but if you can relate to the sheet situation- multiply that by 100. It really, really sucks. Between clients I would frantically search for my comb and I started to panic that it might actually be gone forever. During my next break I found one online that cost 24 bucks and could be here in 3 days. In a moment of desperation I had a genius idea to offer a cash reward to the assistants if they found my comb. What do you know? That sucker was found and in my hands in less than an hour. 

  
See how adorable and dirty my lost little comb looked? Much like an abducted child, it needed a good scrubbing to resemble the comb I once had. She shined up real nice and was ready to highlight some hair in no time at all. I was so happy to be reunited with her that it made me want to go home and give Gail a big hug and thank my lucky stars that she has never gone missing. I wouldn’t be able to handle that. 

There is a lesson in this for both of us. For me, I should probably own a few highlighting combs. For you, money talks. Always. 
Future Stella, I love you. Current Stella, I cannot even attempt to consider what it would be like if you went missing. I would offer the biggest cash reward and I would be a total psycho mess. Imagine if I lost Gail though…..
Love,
Mom

Spring Break- Day 2,3, and 4

Dear Future Stella,

We just got back from a really fun Spring Break trip to Santa Barbara. It’s so fun taking you places that I spent a lot of time visiting when I was a child. So fun in fact, that I didn’t really have any time to stop and write!

I would say the most substantial thing that happened on this trip was that your Grandpa (my dad) bought me a selfie stick. I think this is important to share with you because it is one of the first models, I believe, on the market (they are somewhat of a new phenominon). He paid 30 dollars for this device and it utilizes Bluetooth to connect to my phone,  allowing me to take pictures while having my camera/phone a few feet away from me. I can almost guarantee that this gadget is completely obsolete by the time you are reading this and I’m sure the following photos are going to make you laugh your ass off. I can, however, fully guarantee that the most flattering angle to capture oneself is STILL coming from high above, at a slight angle. You can improve technology all you want but you can’t change physics/science/facts of life- so if you don’t have 2025’s version of a selfie stick, then I suggest you run out and get one. They are incredibly useful for taking group photos and if you enjoy it when people photobomb your pictures, selfie sticks create the perfect environment for this- producing complete random strangers in the background of every shot with almost 100% accuracy.

  

There we are at the counter of the store where my Dad bought the stick. Notice how Current Stella needs to work on her selfie pose.

  

And here we are 20 seconds later on State Street

  

Here’s your Dad trying it out. Ugh, Current Stella really needs to figure this concept out soon. We are at a wine tasting room called Santa Barbara Wine Collective (in case you care).

  

Here is our first photobomber of the day. No clue who that lady is but her photobombing skills are borderline professional. She even managed to block the sign that was supposed to document where we were. We were at a winery called Kunin. Your dad and I visited this place last year and really liked it so we took the whole gang back.

  

Now we are at a place called Drake (another winery). Don’t you like how kid friendly we make our family vacations? All of Current Stella’s friends are probably at a museum somewhere. Notice how her selfie look is dramatically improving? We have only had the thing for an hour at this point. Current Stella has not learned anything in that short of time in her whole life. Mother. Of. The. Year.

  

By now your Tia (my sister) and your Uncle Germ and your cousins have arrived. They brought along their Au Pair, Talina, so all the cousins stayed back at the hotel so we could have an adult only evening (whatever that means). I have no idea who most of these people are in this picture. I do know we are at a yummy restaurant called The Lark. 

  

This one you can barely see (a major downfall of the selfie stick is that is doesn’t allow you to use flash so night time pictures are horrendous). However, I wanted to include it because Uncle Germ is giving you the bird. Yes, he specifically said Fuck You to Future Stella. 

  

 

At the end of the night we decided to get in the shower in my parent’s hotel room and take a giant selfie. Adults, especially ones who have been drinking wine all day, do really strange things sometimes. I don’t know why your dad is gripping that bottle of wine but if you notice he was holding it in the last photo as well. Every single person in that picture is related so not sure why we wanted to take a group shower but we thought it was an excellent idea.

That was basically day 2 of our Easter vacation. I couldn’t figure out why my head hurt so bad the next day (Easter) but now recapping on the photos, it makes perfect sense! 

Here are some cute photos of Current Stella on Easter.

   

           

And, because I couldn’t resist, here are more awkward selfie stick pictures. It’s funny how in pictures of 4 or more people, someone feels the need to put their hands in the air. If that’s not a law of physics it really should be. 

   

           

The last day of our time in Santa Barbara we had a blast but surprisingly I didn’t take that many pictures! We ate lunch at this awesome taqueria called Mony’s. I might have taken photos but your cousin Kathy (almost 3 at the time) fell over in her chair and smacked her forehead on the concrete and it was really super scary. This is why you don’t mess with the ratio of 6 adults to 1 child when traveling that I mentioned in my last post. She was ok but it scared the crap out of me! After that we tasted wine at a few more spots on the Urban Wine Trail and then we took the train back to the central coast.

Here’s a fun game. Of the 3 following pictures that I took on the train ride home, which represents my favorite view? 

A) Current Stella’s butt crack that always seems to be out on display these days 

  

B) Your Dad’s crotch. I love when the selfie stick malfunctions like this.

  

C) this

  

Haha. 

We were all very sad to have to go home. It was a lovely vacation. 

   

 

Future Stella, I love you. Current Stella, tonight I got mad at you for leaving your flip flops out because Gail the Puppy chewed one up. You cried and got all sad. Well, after you went to bed I discovered this 

  

That little bitch got mine too! I probably won’t tell you this in the morning because parents don’t really like to admit their hypocrisy to their young children but I did take the photo so at least in 20 years you will know that I’m not perfect. 

Love, 

Mom

Spring Break Day 1

Dear Future Stella,


Do you have any memories of your Spring Break in 2015 when you were 4? I bet you do! I will provide a recap right now to hopefully ignite your memory.

First, I want to tell you about the funny conversation Current Stella had with your dad on the car ride to the train station.

Current Stella- I’m bored

Dad- I’m Casey nice to meet you (he actually turned around while driving and extended his hand to you)

Current Stella- No, IM bored

Dad- IM Casey

Current Stella- No. No. I’m not saying that you are bored- I’m saying that I’m bored

Dad- I know and I’m telling you that I’m Casey, that’s Phyllis, this is Shelby, and the dog on your lap is Gail.

Current Stella- Daddy. No. I’m bored. Stop telling me your name

Dad- Ok well stop telling me your name is bored. We named you Stella and we like that name better.

Current Stella- Daddy I’m not saying that my name is bored. Bored means that you don’t have anything to do. I’m trying to say that I don’t have anything to do. 

A few minutes later your dad announced that he smelled food. I agreed but thought that it smelled like dog food more specifically. He told me that was impossible because all the dog food was in our trunk. We moved on to singing along to the music and mutually day dreaming about how fantastic this trip was going to be. A good 15 minutes later I turned around in the car and saw this.

  

Cool Bitch, thanks for puking all over the car. I wonder which dog is the culprit? We didn’t even hear anything and apparently Current Stella didn’t see anything despite her sitting right next to it. It was obviously Phyllis- just the look she is giving me is a dead give away. Plus, Gail is too perfect to behave that way. 


We pulled over and I made your dad clean it up while I checked out what’s new in the snack world inside the gas station store. I hope jalapeño and cheese filled pretzels still exist for you as well as butterscotch krumpets that say “fresh baked” on the plastic sealed wrapper but that have a shelf life of at least 10 years. 

 We eventually made it to the train station with at least 3 minutes to spare and we boarded the train along with both sets of your grandparents. 6 adults to 1 child is the only acceptable ratio when traveling. This number ensures that I can peacefully drink my wine while 5 other people take turns retrieving all the things that you will inevitably drop throughout the duration of the 2 hour train ride. Little kids are built like slip-n-slides, every single crayon and raisin shoots down their limbs and on to the ground. Whoever invented children should have made their bodies out of velcro or possibly a magnetic surface of some sort. That would have been genius.


Here we all are on the train

   

     

Notice you butchered the only photo we let you be in. Thanks a lot. That was going to be our Christmas card.

  

Future Stella, you are so damn lucky that both sides of your family get along so well that they travel together. Your grandparents are delightful people who obsess over you in a way I find disturbing. I hope you have appreciated this over the years. Call them right now and express this to them if you have not already. I’m serious- do it right now young lady or I will march over to your house (you better not still be living with me) and I will embarass you infront of your roommates (you better not be living with a partner). 


Our hotel that we are staying at is pretty awesome and modern (by 2015 standards so don’t laugh)

   

     

The lobby has these really big versions of children’s games that you have been playing with your dad. If you still play connect 4 with him the journey began right here at this hotel.

 



Today my sister  arrives with her 2 kids (your cousins) and this is going to significantly affect the proper adult to child ratio so I’m a little nervous. I might actually have to start dealing with you :)


Future Stella, I love you. Current Stella, you are sleeping directly above your dad and me on this trip. I hope you are a heavy sleeper otherwise the memories you might have of this vacation will be a little haunting.


Love,


Mom

Oops, I Did it Again

Dear Future Stella,

I did that thing that I said I would never do again. The temptation was just too strong and it conquered me in a desperate moment of weakness.  It’s been almost a month since my last relapse. 

I got another spray tan.  I know. I can feel you judging me from the future. I’m confessing this to you because I know they have come up with a solution by the time you are reading this that has totally solved the need to be bronze without the very dangerous (and time consuming) act of actually being exposed to the sun. I hope this is one of the many times you read something about my life 20 years ago that makes you comprehend just how difficult and tragic life was for me way back when. 

I smell like an old tampon. Wait, don’t tell me they have improved the tampon situation too? Must be nice you little priveledged princess. I know I should be happy for you that so much progress has been made in areas that have felt so inhumane for too long. I should wish for these advances to happen in your lifetime, but I can’t find it in me right now. I want you to experience the rancid awful nightmare of looking liked a streaked Oompa Loompa. If you can’t experience this then I feel you will never quite understand me and my struggle. 

I look really tan and I’m so totally happy. It justifies the smell in every way. Today is my last day of work before we leave for Spring Break and I will never tire of hearing my clients tell me how tan I look all day long. It’s glorious and worth every awkward moment when the air from a neighboring blowdryer wafts the putrid aroma right into their face. 

Current Stella had Wacky Wednesday at her school. She said the wackiest thing she could think of would be to wear leggings. This was one of the most proud moments I have experienced so far in parenthood. If I teach her nothing else, I’m glad I have engrained in her the horror that is leggings on anyone over the age of two. Who am I kidding, I teach Current Stella useful things all the time. I have yet to meet another four year old who can identify five out of eight of the Kardashians. 

Here you were on Wacky Wednesday

  

It might have been Wacky Wednesday at school but it wasn’t a holiday recognized on public transportation so I chose to sit a few rows away from her.  She was looking like a hot mess reading a disturbing book about a princess that smells like fish. I knew what that little brat was insinuating by picking that book on the day, I too, smelled of tuna. Well played kiddo, well played. 

You let me make your hair look insane which was fun because you often freak out when I just want to brush it

  

Apparently your dad had a blast taking those rubber bands out for your swim lesson. 

Your G-ta, Guncle and your cousin Madeline came into town to hang with us for a few days before we head out for Easter break. I’m sure their visit will inspire lots of silly memories and stories to tell you.

I will keep you posted.

Future Stella, I love you. Current Stella, you told me this morning that your vagina felt soft like a blanket. I want you to hold on to that memory forever and ever. 

Love,

Mom

To Belieb or Not to Belieb- I Dont Care Either Way

Dear Future Stella,

I was in an Über on my way home tonight and the city looked so ridiculous (in a good way. Im not sure how your generation will use that word). It looked like there were little lego houses on hills. The bay was perfectly calm and the sunset was this magical salmon color. A few boats were peppered on the horizon and every single house looked like a storybook. There was no breeze and the air was the perfect temperature. I will never get used to this city and its beauty. I feel so lucky to live here and even more delighted that I get to raise Current Stella here. I hope at some point you were able to notice this luxury and really, truly absorb it. Its amaze-balls (another trendy slang word that I hope makes you cringe right now).

For pure entertainment value, I would like to note that as I write this, Justin Bieber is getting roasted on Comedy Central. I am dying to know what someone of your generation thinks about him. Lets please meet soon and just strictly talk Justin Bieber. Its going to be so much fun. I hope I can even remember who he is in 20 years. If I need help, just give me these clues. Say, “Baby, Baby, Baby- ooh.”

Actually, just show me this video and it should jog my memory. Side note- your Dad thought it was “Jot my memory.” I like to point out moments when I appear smarter than him. I don’t know about you, but my memory doesn’t seem to jog or jot. Wait, before you watch this please make sure your sound is turned up- otherwise its totally pointless.

Oh thats right, now I recall, you are a longtime Belieber. I really tried my best to blur your lady parts but I am not a computer person and it was getting late.

Your Dad has almost finished redecorating Current Stella’s room. Eight trips to IKEA and several bottles of wine later, its making progress. Not enough to photograph, but its coming along. I can’t wait for her to see it.

Future Stella, I love you. Current Stella, you had a moment with your Dad today that was so sweet and so inspiring for me to see as a parent. You were acting like a lunatic and screaming and your Dad both disciplined and loved you all in the same action. I hope that in your moments of emotional frustrations your Dad will continue to support and ground you. It was pretty cool.

Love,

Mom