Dear Future Stella,
Current Stella started Kindergarten this past week, which shockingly, wasn’t the highlight. Don’t get me wrong, it was all the cliché stuff people always talk about and I promise I will get to that in a minute, but first my highlight. Back when we were first accepted at your new school I attended an event for new families. At this event they were selling school swag as a fundraiser. I purchased this gold glitter water cup for $10 that quickly became a little more important to me than Gail the Puppy.
This cup went everywhere with me. All of a sudden I was drinking 120 ounces of water a day and peeing every 20 minutes. This surge in water drinking was due to the drought in California because I have always liked rare things and water is the hottest commodity right now. Its so endangered you have to ask for it at restaurants! That dude that killed that lion has nothing on how much water I took down over the summer.
It feels naughty to drink so much of it when every single lawn is turning brown and water bills are sky-high. I never cared about it until all of a sudden it was scarce and drinking from a gold glitter 20-ounce cup all day long just shows the world that I give no fucks about the water shortage because I am parched and need to stay hydrated. Anyway, about a month ago my water cup was targeted by who I believe are water-rights activists and someone “accidentally dropped it” and shattered the lid. I tried glueing it back together but with all the moisture happening around the seal constantly it didn’t hold up. I called the school but it was summer break and the swag woman was on vacation. They wouldn’t disclose where she was specifically and they declined to give me her direct contact info. I was so thirsty and drinking from any ordinary cup just wasn’t the same. Fearing I was coming close to dehydration I turned to the internet. This damn cup was sold out or backordered everywhere. So needless to say, I couldn’t wait for school to start so I could get to drinking again. The principle assured me that the swag table would be set up on the first day of school. She was right, and I was able to purchase a new gold glitter water cup and that was the highlight of my week, if not my life. Now I just need to figure out how to add it to my will so this cup will split the pot with you and Gail the Puppy. Before you get all greedy, please note that most people have siblings they have to share with.
Anyway, I guess you want to hear about how your first day went? Let me just fill my water cup up and give Gail the Puppy her mid-morning massage and then I will get to telling the story.
It’s really insane how many moms have told me to take pictures with Current Stella on the first day of school and then continue to do it each year until college. I mean, no offense Moms, but duh- who doesn’t do this? I take pictures with Current Stella the first time she does anything, so, naturally, I was more than prepared to shoot some great shots of Current Stella on her first day of Kinder. Then the alarm went off and I panicked because I thought the house was on fire. It was so loud that the only possible explanation was our building was engulfed in flames. When I realized it was just Father Time telling me I need to wake up and get Little Stella off to school I was beyond irritated. Im not really sure what happened after that, except that I know that I was able to feed her and get her to school on time based not on my own recollection, but on this photo I later found on my phone. The waffle in her hand shows that breakfast happened, and the time stamp on the photo proves we made it on time.
My memory picks up in fragments after that. I know that her BFF Tyler came to support her on this big day. I was able to snap a cute picture of the two of them. Future Stella, is Tyler still your ride or die? Thats what the young kids call their good friends in 2015.
I was looking out at a shit load of tiny little Britneys from the Hit Me One More Time music video mixed in with an equal amount of XS-sized golfers and then an overwhelming number of older, emotionally unstable paparazzi circling the mini humans. Just as I was thinking about how strange my dreams have become I realized this was real life and those pint-sized popstars were actually just Catholic school girls and the cute country clubbers were the young Catholic school boys and the photogs were parents and right about the time the lucidity of the moment was beginning to wear off into reality is right when all the kids, Current Stella included, began to exit the gymnasium in one perfect single file line. I looked around for someone to complain to, a supervisor of sorts, because I didn’t sign up for this. We are not even Catholic and last I checked Stella doesn’t even know where the oyster fork goes so I just don’t understand how she could possible be wearing that plaid pleated jumper with a backpack on, I mean, has her spine even fused yet to support whatever is in there? Speaking of, what is in that backpack and why is it so large? Its literally the length of her body, which by the way, is ridiculously longer than when I checked 5 minutes ago when she was swaddled in a blanket with a pacifier in her mouth. Just like that, she was gone and off to go learn or cross herself or whatever it is that is done at Catholic School because according to a nice woman in the gym, I not only signed up for this but I paid for it too and there was substantial documentation supporting her argument that Current Stella is actually 5 and ready to attend school. Needless to say, besides the photo I took in my sleep of you on the bus on the way to school, and hugging Tyler outside, the only other photo I got of your first day of school was this one.
After I left the gym the reality of my new freedom on my days off began to sink in and a slow mischievous smile began to emerge on my face. I could finally take that pole dancing class or have the time to become obsessed with something really obscure, like becoming a beekeeper, or I don’t know, begin to fill my refrigerator with other things besides baking soda and condiments. Just then, a sweet woman wearing a cardigan and pearls tapped me on the shoulder and asked if I would be attending the coffee in the Parish Hall. I smiled because I love coffee and I assumed Parish was some sort of Parisian Pastry Shop so I obliged and followed her sweet clean scent all the way to this basement looking place where there was indeed a carafe of coffee with some pound cake on a plastic tray. Not exactly Patisserie quality, but I was starving. It was then that I realized that I was being tricked into a room with no obvious exits and I was there not to meet friends and eat French delicacies but I was to sign up to volunteer for various things. 20 minutes later it dawns on me that I might have accidentally volunteered for a full time position at a Catholic School with no sick pay, stock options, or health insurance. Instead of spending my new free time teaching Gail The Puppy how to speak another language (I was thinking Mandarin) it appears I will now be doing one of the following:
*assisting children with their lunches (help eat goldfish and chicken nuggets)
*supervising them on the playground (gathering intel on who is a couple and who sucks)
*grading paperwork (Current Stella gets a A, the rest of the class gets a C)
*decorating school events (I still have a shitload of rainbow decor leftover from Current Stella’s Pride party and I think the Catholics will love that)
The woman with the clean-up crew clipboard was getting dangerously close to me so I needed to figure out an escape plan. I draw the line at cleaning up. I did that thing where you pretend you need to take a call and duck out. One of my co-workers, Emily, has a son entering 5th grade at Current Stella’s school and because we both took the day off of work (unpaid) to apparently sign up to do more work (unpaid) we decided we needed a drink. Never mind that it was barely past 9am. Tempted to put my champagne in my new gold glitter cup 2.0, I refrained and drank like a civilized mom on a Thursday morning.
After school got out, we picked Current Stella up where we finally got some decent pictures (of the gold glitter cup mostly), took her bowling (she is terrible) then went to Off the Grid for dinner.
Future Stella, I love you. Current Stella, you had your final Friday at Tacolicious with your Dad this past week. This is the first of many fun things that school or life will take a giant shit on. Welcome to the real world.