Dear Future Stella,
Lets chat about the weather. Usually, this topic is for small talk and pleasantries only. I call it “conversation fluffer”, a topic to bring up when you have absolutely nothing else to say. Its a neutral area where you can say polarizing things like “I love direct sun,” or “I hate the rain” and nobody will judge or challenge you, even if they feel the exact opposite. In San Francisco, the weather is often unique, bizarre and spontaneous, providing lots of opportunities to have it bail you out of painful conversations. I have no reason to believe that you and I will ever need to talk about the weather and I am fairly certain that there will always be a plethora of rich and meaningful topics to keep us talking long into the night. I also know that you are already quite different from me but I hope that we can steer clear of boring weather topics and instead state our opinions and viewpoints without any risk of being met with judgement and anger. It is with that preface that I want to talk about the weather.
Future Stella, is Global Warming still a thing? Does San Francisco still have Indian Summers? Did the El Niño of 2015/2016 wash the state of California away? Do people still have brown lawns? Are umbrellas considered vintage? I am so curious. Our weather has been so wack-a-doodle lately that I am dying to know how this shakes out in 20 years.
This past week we had another epic heat wave. Granted it is September, meaning- if San Fran is going to experience a heat wave, it’s going to be this time of year- BUT there have been so many heat waves already. Our summers are supposed to be cold and unpleasant but this past one was really gorgeous. I will refrain from quoting Mark Twain right now.
I saw something futuristic the other day and I took a picture of it to show you. It was my first time seeing a remote-operated lawn mower. It was grooming the grass at the park by my salon. Shit, in 2035 is it fucked up to refer to a robot as an it? Like, do they have genders? I thought it (grrr- he?) was so strange because there was still a dude operating the thing (by thing I mean totally equal to us with president candidate potential) so I didn’t really get the point. Don’t get me wrong, I get why a person would want something like him (or her if the model was cheaper and not as high performing) for their personal yard maintenance but I don’t understand why the city of San Francisco thought this was a good/money-saving idea. Also, giant lawns are not necessarily trending (read: drought) so I just felt super bad for the poor person who invented it- talk about shitty timing. These puppies are probably just collecting dust on shelves at whatever store sells weird robot things (or is it souls?) I am not trying to be racist, but in today’s world robots have not come forth and demanded equality yet so they are just things to me. Wow, I totally had a moment where I empathize with my racist Great-grandparents. Anyway, don’t laugh, because I am sure this is so old school to you, but I have never seen anything like it before.
Anyway, Current Stella had her first soccer game this past week. Here is a fun fact- neither of her parents were there. I would like the record to show that I was at work, earning money to provide a roof over our heads and food in our mouths. Your father, well, he was getting a lap dance at a strip club in Portland. I think at the exact moment your little fat hands were shoving orange slices in your mouth, your Dad was tossing dollar bills on a stage. It begs the famous question- If a child scores a goal and no parent is there to see it happen, is the lap dance free? Listen, all I am saying is that if for some reason this comes up in therapy, I was just trying to provide for our family. Your father, on the other hand, was exercising his right to bachelor party. You decide who gets the pass.
Another fun thing that happened was Current Stella’s school hosted a back to school dinner dance. It was for the parents and the kids and this year’s theme was “It’s a Small World.” The flyer encouraged families to arrive in attire from their favorite international destination. It was really hard for me to come up with something that wasn’t inappropriate. For instance, one of the only international destination that Current Stella has been to is Mexico. I guess I could have smeared dirt on her cheeks and purchased a Costco-sized box of chicklets but that would have been such a downer costume, ya know? Ultimately, I decided to dress Current Stella in German attire and I came looking like a très chic Parisian, because nothing says besties like those two countries. What did your Dad dress as, you ask? Unclear, because he was still at the strip club. I know, sometimes it is hard to come to terms with who the better parent is.
Future Stella, I love you. Current Stella, tonight you requested to eat your dinner naked. Never one to stifle your creativity, I obliged. Your meal consisted of chicken “nuggies,” carrots, strawberries and blueberries. You asked me how they make chicken nuggies. Before I could answer, you suggested your own hypothesis. You thought they rubbed chicken in sand and then used cookies cutters to make the shapes. I didn’t want to tell you the truth, mainly because your method seems healthier and more organic.