A Human Scavenger Hunt

Dear Future Stella,

Today we had brunch with my identical twin cousins who are in town from Florida. You, of course, didn’t like any of the food but I thought it was delicious. Cousins are an awesome thing to have and I have such hilarious memories of these boys when we were growing up. Despite the fact that they live 3000 miles away, we have maintained a great relationship. I have a pretty good feeling about you being able to experience this wonderful thing with your cousins because you already adore them and see them way more than I ever saw the twins when I was little. Speaking of twins, I think everyone should have a pair in their life, preferable identical ones (I’m for once not talking about boobs and I really mean the human being kind of twins). They tend to make most things more fun and there are endless ways to utilize them in every day situations. I like to make them grow their hair out really long, dress them up in matching outfits and send one into a salon to get a buzz cut. Then minutes later send the other one in and say “what the fuck? It grew back way too fast.” It’s probably the most incredibly awesome situation ever. You have to try it. In fact, there are a lot of different kinds of people you should have in your friendship pool. I will provide a list of these people and you should try and acquire as many as possible. Think of this as a human scavenger hunt.

1) A set of identical twins

2) Gays. As many as you possibly can. They are invaluable. Once you know 2 gays, don’t do what I did, which was try and set them up with each other simply because they are both gay. Apparently, being gay isn’t the only necessary quality to warrant a match. They actually have a very complicated list of criteria that makes another gay date worthy.

3) Hot single girlfriends. This is how you get free drinks at bars and know where all the trendy new restaurants are. To best utilize their power, here is how your conversations with them should go-
Hot single girlfriend- “So I went on a date with Jack last night (I’m using the name Jack because 1 out of 3 boys your age are named Jack). He took me to that new restaurant Angel Food. It was a nightmare. He kept talking about his ex girlfriend and he was eating the deviled eggs in one bite. Do you think he likes me?”
You reply – “Hmmm. So tell me, were the deviled eggs decent? Also, is it true the Satan sauce is crazy spicy?”

4) Friends with kids. Ignore this one if you are still a teenager when you read this. Friends with children know how to get stains out of anything. Also, they are always down for wine.

5) Outdoorsy friend. I don’t think anyone gets to the end of their life and wishes they had gone on less hikes. Hikes are more safe and fun with a friend.

6) A friend who always finds a good bargain. This friend is one you should always travel with. If you are like me, you don’t have time to shop around for hotels. It’s incredibly painful and boring. There are people out there who enjoy this. They also do smart things like bring their own snacks into the hotel room. Don’t worry if you forgot to pack your own food. Your friend booked the hotel room so they will have her credit card on file. Just crush the mini bar and she will end up paying for it anyway. Who’s thrifty now?

7) A neighbor friend. These are great for favors. They are the go-to for plant watering, pet sitting and signing for your packages. When you are cooking dinner and you realize you have everything to make a lobster feast except the lobster- call your neighbor friend. When you land in Miami and realize you forgot your child- call your neighbor. This relationship works the best when you get to the point where you exchange keys. This is great for when they go out of town and you just really want to see what they keep in the drawers next to their bed. Also, for optimal perks, when shopping for a neighbor friend, it’s best to pick the one with the biggest house.

8) A friend who prefers to drive. This one will be your best friend.

9) An elderly friend. This is a friendship that will teach you so much about life and will bring you so much gratitude. This friendship only really works out if this friend is crazy wealthy and has no family left to speak of. If you can manage to get her to add you to her will and die within 5 years then she will end up being a truly amazing friend and well worth the many days you had to spend hearing the same lame story and sipping flat champagne.

10) A friend who makes you laugh and listens to your never ending drama. This friend should also share a lot of similar interests. This friend comes in many shapes and colors. This is usually a friend that lasts a really long time and together you will have really high highs and ugly low lows. You can meet this friend in preschool or not until you are 60. You can have more than one of these friends but it’s rare to have a ton of these in your life. I love my friends in this category and they are the only friends who really matter. Except my gays. They are uber important.

Future Stella, I hope you have sooooo many good friends and a handful of best friends. I hope some of these friends are cousins and some of them are gays. I really hope one of them is me.

Future Stella, I love you. Current Stella, why did you order pancakes and then announce you don’t like pancakes?



This is me with my best friend, Amy. I met her in kindergarten.


Me with the twins.

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