Dear Future Stella,
I got a haircut today. Right after I went to lunch with your dad and Current Stella. He didn’t notice. To be fair, neither did Current Stella, but she eventually did. I cut a lot off. I find it interesting that your Dad can spot a boob job instantly but not my haircut. Even boob jobs that are contained in a trench coat and hiding behind a tree. It’s cool though, because I have another husband that notices these things. His name is Daniel and he noticed my haircut right away. He also is the one who cut my hair so that might be why it was so obvious to him. Having a gay husband is super important Future Stella.
Daniel and I got married on Halloween 2 years ago. We got married at the hair salon that we both work at together in front of all of our co-workers. He wanted a beach Cancun wedding. We exchanged rings and vows and even had a wedding cake.
Daniel tells me when a dress is flattering on me. Daniel gets excited about The Bachelor with me. Daniel loves drinking cheap white wine while curating my online shopping cart. Daniel tells me when its time I give up on the crop top attempt. Daniel also is super easy to make fun of and he falls for it every single time. Daniel hates bananas and cats. This means that I always stash over-ripe bananas in his drawer at his station so that when he opens it to retrieve a hairbrush he has to contain his horrified shriek in front of his clients. This also means that I steal any cat figurine from Current Stella’s room and super glue them to the surface of his station before he gets to work. I also love to flirt with Daniel because he absolutely hates it. He has never been with a girl and the thought horrifies him. Im constantly catching him off guard with my sexual advances while a camera is nearby just to document our love for each other. I will hand my camera to someone and instruct them to take a picture of us. Right before the camera flashes, I grab his private area. Here is an example of that from our most recent work Christmas party, where the theme was Greek Mythology.
I will go at great lengths to plan these photo ops. This past Halloween (our anniversary) Daniel really wanted to be a farmer. I convinced him to let me be a pig. He thought that was cute and was totally on board, until at the last minute I made this happen
Even today, with my haircut, I had the receptionist book it under a fake name as a kids haircut (which he absolutely hates) and then I showed up for the appointment. He’s just too easy to get all riled up.
Future Stella, be a polygamist when it comes to your gays. Collect as many as you possibly can, they are priceless and they will improve your life tenfold. I hope that the gays of your adulthood have overcome all the stupid shit that the gays of my time have had to go through. They were absolutely born gay and deserve all the same chances and privileges as everyone else. My hope is that you are reading this and are totally dumbfounded that I even have to say this. I hope it feels as foreign as the concept of slavery and anti-semites did to me as a child.
Future Stella, I love you. Current Stella, when you did finally notice my haircut, you told me it was really short and asked me why I cut it. Before I could answer, you said, “Thats ok, your dress is really pretty.” Rude!