Things I say to Current Stella That Might Explain Future Stella’s Therapy Costs

This morning on the bus you told me “Did you know that water makes you yawn?”
I said, “Really?”
You went on to explain, “Yes, because one time I yawned after I drank water.”
I replied with “That’s correct and having sex makes you pregnant. One time I had sex and I got pregnant.”
This is an example of one of the many times I forget that I’m not talking to Future Stella and you will typically give me this face

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Right after I said it I knew I should have given you a more age appropriate answer like, “Yes, water makes you yawn just like every time you watch the movie Frozen a puppy is murdered.”

Last night while you were helping me prepare dinner you asked who taught me how to cook.

I told you the truth (shocker, I know) which is that I taught myself by watching the Food Network all day for basically 2 years. Mom, if you ever read this, I love you to pieces but you never showed me how to cook! You won’t try a bit of the food we make together but I can get you to smell each ingredient. I’m convinced that you actually have a very sophisticated pallet (like your father) and my prediction is that Future Stella is going to be an amazing cook. Am I right? Last night you smelled ginger and said it smelled like Play-Doh. I smelled it, expecting to smell nothing that resembled Play-Doh but you were totally right. It reminded me of when your dad smells/tastes wine and he will say shit like “I get hummingbird piss on the nose with a little shiitake mushroom and sunflower pollen.” I don’t think he’s ever said hummingbird piss but they are always obscure items that I don’t wish to smell or taste so you get my point. However, unlike with your ginger, when I smell and taste the exact same wine, all I smell is alcohol and all I taste is pure heaven.

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Here you are helping me cook.

Future Stella, I Love you. Current Stella, I snuck a little bit of the sauce you helped me make on your pasta and you liked it.

Mom

iPad Vs. Mom

Future Stella,

Guess what Current Stella did last night that was soooo not smart? I asked her if she had to pick between me or an iPad for the rest of her life what would she choose? She thought about it for a very long time, clearly weighing out the pros and cons of each scenario, before answering, “the iPad I guess.” You should be so grateful that I’m such a nice person because I could have easily walked away and left you there with just the iPad, forever. Could you imagine? A new iPad comes out like every 26 days so it wouldn’t take long before that model was obsolete. There is only one version of Mom so I will never go out of style or have a replacement on the market that can do more than I can. My battery almost never dies, I have endless free material and the picture and sound quality are quite nice if you ask me. I know more shit than Siri, don’t need wifi to face time you, and the games I know how to play are so realistic it’s like you are really there. I could have been on a beach somewhere relaxing totally guilt free since my child chose to have me go away but NO, I stuck around because you were only 4 and asking you to grasp the concept of forever is just cruel and inappropriate on my part. I will ask you again when you are 12 and this time I will have a plane ticket ready because if you chose the iPad again (or whatever gadget is stealing all of your time) then I’m off to Aruba. Got it?

*when you are 12, if you chose the gadget again and I’m in Aruba please come visit me! The beach is unreal and totally has free wifi so you can definitely bring your gadget.

Future Stella, I love you. Current Stella, get the fuck off your iPad (it’s dad’s actually) and pay attention to me!!!

Mom

Current Stella questions, Future Stella Answers

1) Current Stella- “Why do you keep your shoes on the floor when you have a closet?”

My answer to Future Stella- hopefully you have learned to mind your own business. Something tells me you will end up like your father and always, no matter what, keep a meticulous closet. If this is true you will fundamentally never be able to understand why I keep my shoes on the ground, everywhere, as opposed to the closet where some think they belong. On a side note, do you like shoes? That’s really more important. I might like mine spread around the house and you might like yours in clear plastic shoe containers neatly stacked in your closet that an app on your phone probably catalogues and organizes BUT what matters here is that we both like shoes. I hope we are the same size so we can share shoes, or more like I steal yours to try and feel younger. I will leave them all over the house and you will probably freak out and yell at me and tell me what an annoying mom I am and to quit stealing your shoes.

2) Current Stella- “Mom, why do you shower with your rings on your fingers? Daddy says this ruins them.”

My answer to Future Stella- I bet I have a shinier, bigger and more beautiful ring on my wedding finger now dont I? Back then your 4 year old brain could never have understood that “ruining” my current ring was just part of my master plan to get Daddy to get me a new one. This is a really important lesson. In the crazy off chance that I’m still rocking my very old and ruined original wedding ring then it could mean 1 of 2 things. One, your dad left me years ago and I refuse to accept it and still wear his ring and call myself his wife despite his many requests for me to get off his lawn and go home. The other, more insane possibility, is that I have grown to love the tiny ring that your dad put on my finger and despite it being completely destroyed from showering in it all these years, I can’t seem to wrap my brain around the concept of replacing it. In this very improbable scenario, there is hope for me at last. Due to the obvious sentimental value of my ring I could not, in good conscious, allow you to get married without passing it to you, forcing Dad to get me a new one. Remember that when my ring is now yours, you must take very good care of it. I heard that you shouldn’t shower in rings, as it ruins them.

3) Current Stella- This morning while I was getting dressed and you were totally creepily staring at me while I was putting on a bra, you ask “Why do you wear that?” I explain that women wear bras to cover and hold their boobs in place. You then say, “but your shirt will cover them right?” I go on to further explain the need to hold them in place more securely than a shirt can provide. You then want to know when you will need a bra and if every girl wears one and do bras come in pink or purple?

My answer to Future Stella. Hopefully you ended up needing a bra in the sense that your boobs grew but not in the sense that you need one for lifting purposes. It’s too soon to tell what kind of boobs you will have. I seriously hope that you don’t get mine. One of mine is small and one is big and neither is great. To further answer your question, not every girl wears one but as a general rule, the ones that don’t wear one are usually the ones that really should wear one. There is a small percentage of women who don’t need to wear one and this is usually because a) they are fake, b) they are tiny or c) because they are less than 25 and have not had a child yet. Oh, and bras come in every color. The one you saw me in that day was a nude colored one that Daddy really really hates. He doesn’t understand why they even make them in that color and finds it repulsive. I want you to take general notice of the way I didn’t give a shit. Nude bras are practical and sometimes completely necessary. It just occurred to me that if I ended up keeping my original wedding ring then I most likely would have invested the funds in a boob job. Do they look good? I am getting excited writing this right now fantasizing about my new fake boobs I will have in the future.

Future Stella, I love you. Current Stella, quit creepin’ on me when I’m showering/changing and I will leave my shoes wherever I feel like it.

Love,

Mom

Rise and Shine

Feb. 5, 2014
You are 4 years, 6 months, 2 weeks and 4 days

Dear Future Stella,

Lately you have been sleeping in like a teenager and often I have to wake you up to get to school on time. You really hate when I have to do this. It’s not like you get grumpy, you more just seem really offended and sad when I come barging in your room, blast on your lights and start singing the most annoying morning song ever. It goes like this “Rise and shine and give God your glory glory.” Repeat like 24 times while clapping your hands. If I’m still alive, call me (or however it is that people communicate these days) right now and I will sing this song to you so you can learn EXACTLY how this should be done.

On this day though, I decided to switch things up and try waking you up in a different, albeit still annoying way. Gail the puppy was just waking up in my bed, being insanely adorable as she stretched and nuzzles into my body, rapidly gaining her puppy energy. It was also right around the time that you were due to be woken up. I scooped up Gail and made my way to your room. I really hope I don’t still live in this house when you are reading this, but if I do then maybe you know how incredibly loud and squeeky your door is to open. It’s crazy to me that this alone doesn’t startle you awake. Then I turn on your lights. You are still as limp as a comma patient. Instead of breaking into my usual song, I set Gail on your bed. She reminds me of a wind-up toy. In my arms she is totally still but once her paws hit your bed she immediately goes ape shit all over your body. She licks every available inch of exposed skin and her tail is basically whipping you in the face as she explores the contents of your bed. Without even opening your eyes you say “Good morning Gail” and you start the process of trying to get back into a comfortable position. You say it in the same calm way one might say “I guess that’s fine” or “the phone is for you.” Do people still use phones? I’m on a phone right now writing this. I think it’s funny that I never use my phone as a phone. I pretty much never answer it or call anyone. I am a texter. I bet texting isn’t a thing anymore either. You have a phone already you know? It’s my old iPhone4G. It’s not hooked up as a phone but you can use the apps and if there is wifi then you can use the Internet. I actually wish that’s how my phone is set up so the phone feature just didn’t work at all. That would be a much better excuse than “sorry I didn’t get your voicemail.” Im jealous that you get to live your adult life in a world that is most likely void of voicemails. I hate hate hate when people leave me pointless voicemails. Voicemails like:

“Hey shelby. It’s mom. Call me when you get a chance.” This could have been solved with a text from mom saying “call me” or even

Don’t Touch Anyone’s Juthers

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Yesterday you had an evaluation at a kindergarten. We are currently going through the process of trying to get you in somewhere for next year. We have applied to 7 schools. If you are using a translator to read these letters because you have never learned how to read then you can blame yourself for blowing it at these evaluations back when you were 4. There are 3 components to getting in to a good school. The written application, the parent interview and the child’s evaluation. I am really hoping that they don’t actually read the written applications and they just sort of skim them while also scrolling their Facebook pages. I was in charge of this part and you know how I love to veer off on tangents and your kindergarten applications were no exception. You really can’t blame me. They cannot ask questions like “Tell me a little bit about your family” and expect me to stay on topic. The fact that I ended one application talking about dry shampoo and the importance it holds in my life is totally legitimate if you understood how the addition of this little product has completely changed the kind of mother and wife I am. Next is the interview and you will be happy to know that I mainly let your dad do the talking. My personality isn’t for everyone and can be a little bit offensive for people who are used to hanging around 5 year olds. Your dad, however, was probably put on this earth to socialize and small talk with strangers. It’s really bizarre. They all say the part that really matters is the student evaluation so I really hope you know what you are doing in there. I make sure you are wearing the cutest outfit known to man but that’s really all I can do to help. Good luck kiddo. On a somewhat serious note, I really hope Future Stella has loved the experience of being a student and the process of learning. I didn’t get to go to college and its a regret that I mainly keep to myself because of my defiance at the time to completely rebel against it. If I say I regret not going then it would be admitting I was wrong. I never say I’m wrong- not to my parents, not to my husband, not to anyone. I am way better at saying when other people are wrong. It’s just simply more fun. Despite how unserious I am about most subject matters, I’m genuinely serious about you getting into a great Elementary school. So no, I didn’t talk about dry shampoo in the applications. I spent an insane amount of time obsessively curating my answers to make us appear as the awesome family that I believe we are. I really really hope you get in somewhere because if you don’t, it wont be because of you. I have never been around anyone as amazing as you. In fact, I wish I would have gone to school to be a kindergarten teacher so that I could hang out with you all day next year. Calm down, I know I would never be allowed to be a kindergarten teacher, and let’s be honest, it sounds like an absolute terrible job. Just the worst.

Last night your dad and I went on a date to see the movie American Sniper. When we arrived there was nobody in the whole theater except for a solo guy off in the back corner. I couldn’t tell you anything about the movie because we were just making out the whole time. Just kidding. We were able to watch the movie because we relied on digital stimulation. Just kidding again. Seriously, we didn’t even hold hands because mine were too busy bulldozing popcorn into my mouth. I have a girl crush on Sienna Miller so I was excited to see it. I am really glad I didn’t know it was a war/gun violence movie because I don’t really like that sort of thing.

Before I forget, guess who’s hair I am doing today? Your friend Audrey’s mom, Kelly. I am so excited to hang out with her and make her blonder. If you are thinking, who the fuck is Audrey and Kelly then let me explain. They are our really good family friends and you go to school with Audrey but they are moving to the suburbs this summer. We say we are going to still hang out but I don’t really do bridges and suburbs so it’s not unlikely that we never see them again. I am hoping your reaction to seeing their names gives you a reaction more like “aw, Auntie Kelly! I love her and still loving going to her big house in the suburbs on weekends for barbecues….” Also, if you have not spoken to me in years and these letters are your first form of contact with me in eons, please move back from the suburbs. I am lonely and BART freaks me out and I don’t drive. I miss my daughter.

Future Stella, I love you! Current Stella, please get into a good school so we don’t have to move to the burbs.

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Just had to share this really funny thing you said this morning while waiting for the bus. You said “look mom my hands are both in this pocket and they are touching their juthers”

I believe you meant each other? In the rare case that you actually meant their juthers and this is some nasty new slang you are picking up at school, please don’t ever touch anyone’s juthers. Ever.

I Still Wipe Your Butt

I don’t think most people think about how long they have to wipe their children’s bottoms before they can do this on their own. I, for one, am shocked that I am still doing it. You are so independent in so many ways, an impressive quality that makes you stand apart from your peers. You can make your own waffle in the morning. You make your own bed. You dress yourself, for the most part, occasionally you put your shoes on the wrong feet or ask for help with dresses that zip up the back. You can make your own popcorn. One time you lit a match and brought it to me with a candle because I said I wanted Daddy to build us a fire. You can get in and out of your car seat unassisted. You can completely navigate your way through my iPhone, appleTV, SONOS, and our home computer. You take both dogs outside to do their business, make them sit when they come back inside before giving them their treat and replenish their dog food. You fill up both your water bottle and the dog bowl in the bathroom sink because thats the one you can reach without help. You remind me I need to restock items that add absolutely nothing to your life- things like stamps, ziplock bags and coffee creamer. You never, ever, forget to brush your teeth or take your vitamin. This actually baffles me. When I was on the birth control pill I would constantly forget to take the pill and believe me, I had way more of an incentive to swallow that little pill every day then you do consuming that glorified fruit snack. I am pretty sure the only thing your vitamin does is ensure that your body has guaranteed sugar in the morning, thus supporting this nation’s addiction to that sticky icky while at the same time solidifying your chances at a future cavity. Ugh, that’s obviously a tangent that could go on way too long so I am going to real it in.
You are this mini adult who makes me look so incapable all of the time. I know Future Stella won’t do some of the embarrassing things I do on a daily basis because Current Stella is already more self sufficient than I am. Things like take cabs 3 blocks, have ice cream delivered at 11pm at night because my front door is closer to the couch I am on than the freezer, ask your husband (or wife if you end up being a lesbian) to get you something every single time they get up so you don’t have to, buy pre-chopped onions because it sounds glorious to pay extra for something that shaves a minute off that night’s meal prep. So every time I hear your voice scream at me from the bathroom saying “Mommy, I went poo poo…..” I am completely taken aback that you still allow me this opportunity to assist you. The part that shocks me more is that I relish in doing this one totally gross thing for you. Before having you, if someone would have told me how long this ritual goes on for, I would have absolutely invested money in an app or a service that would take this burden off the parent. Something like Uber Asswipe, where with a swipe of a finger, a complete stranger comes into your home and wipes your child’s butt for you. I would have been convinced that every mom everywhere would pay good money for this service. Is Future Stella laughing right now because this app now exists? I knew I should have done it- I have so many uber-like concepts that I have invented in my brain and I really hope nobody else has invented them. Please tell me there isn’t remote controlled ice cream? I am assuming there are robots, which really really makes me jealous because I would so love a little robot bitch that I could make chop my onions and fetch me water. I bet you are that girl that chooses to not have a robot and all of your friends think you are psycho for wanting to do things yourself. You probably like adopt broken robots and help them back on their feet. I love you Future Stella for being so nice and independent. You didn’t get that from me.

Anyway, back to the ass wiping. So yesterday, when you beckoned for me, a little smile came over my face and I paused the Super Bowl and excused myself from my guests to walk back and help you. When I opened the door you were standing bent over with your head between your legs. You had already pre torn the paper for me, because obviously if there was a part of the action that you could do yourself you wouldn’t dare outsource it. You say “Mommy, I wish I had eyes back there so I could wipe myself. Will I have eyes back there one day so that I can do this all by myself?” I say, “Yes, Stella, when you turn 5 you will wake up with eyes on your back so you can wipe your own butt.” You might be crazy independent, but you are about the most gullible human on the planet. You say, “Really? Will it hurt when I grow eyes on my back?” Knowing what a crazy hypochondriac you are and your need to know absolutely everything about a subject you are curious about, I decided not to keep this one going. Plus, I had the big game paused with a living room full of people so I confessed I was teasing. You then say, “Mommy one day when I am a mommy my kid will shout for me to wipe them and then I will get to do it myself.” Its so like me to tear up over a subject matter about wiping poop and its so like you to have a child for the sole reason of finally getting to wipe a butt yourself.

Why isn’t there a Disneyland in the snow?

Well, the jig is officially up. Some little twat at your preschool decided it would be a great idea to tell you that A) Disneyland is an actual place that you can go to and B) snow doesn’t just exist in the movie Frozen. This is really irritating to me because I have zero desire to ever see either one of those things ever again. You came home from school and you were so excited to educate me on this news, as if I didn’t know. I had to act surprised and not let on that I have actually been intentionally keeping this information from you. So Future Stella, let me explain WHY I lied to you about these two terrible destinations.

Disneyland
The last time I was there I ended up losing my virginity. Not at the park itself and not with a total random. I want to stop the image you are most likely forming (if your brain works anything like mine) before you start thinking I’m more exciting/cool/slutty than I really am. When I am prompted with the notion of losing one’s virginity at Disneyland I immediately picture Mickey Mouse making someone wet on the log ride. I did not lose my virginity to a Disney character. Another possibility that comes to mind is two strangers that were seated next to each other on Splash Mountain. They would aggressively explore their obvious chemistry and things would start to get hot and heavy about halfway through the ride making the other passengers around them quite uncomfortable. The date would commence with the purchase of the overpriced photo documenting the fornication to later be shown to their future offspring that may or may not be already forming in her uterus. I really could keep going with this last scenario but I feel it’s best to stay on topic. I lost my virginity to my longtime boyfriend, Andy, after a long day at Disneyland. We loved each other and used protection so this proves I’m an awesome role model. I just realized that the loss of my virginity at Disneyland has absolutely nothing to do with my lack of desire to ever return there. I just enjoy telling you things I know will make you squirm. The real reason is all the overweight people everywhere and the obnoxious adult Disneyland fanatics that really depress me in a way that I thought only finding out I was pregnant could do (just kidding. Sort of). Plus, I don’t know if you guys discuss hot topics at this preschool of yours, but there has been a recent outbreak of measles there. You are vaccinated for it, but it is a friendly reminder of how absolutely disgusting that place is and who knows what other germs or diseases are lurking on the many surfaces. Let’s just briefly return to my splash mountain hypothetical for a moment. Imagine you were the next person to sit on the seat where the gentleman had ejaculated all over. Next thing I know my 4 year old daughter is pregnant with a strangers baby and there isn’t even a reality show in existence that would exploit this kind of thing. I think I have made my point quite clear. However, since I’m dealing with current Stella and not Future Stella, I cannot tell you all of these very legit reasons for not going so I have no choice but to take you to Disneyland. We are scheduled to go next month for 3 days. Your welcome

Snow
It’s baffling to me that I even have to explain the lack of appeal snow has, but it seems I’m constantly in the minority on this, so I will do my best to persuade you. First of all, it’s cold. I realize that most of the sentences that come out of my mouth are almost always exaggerated. In this one instance I am being completely accurate and factual. Snow is literally freezing, actually freezing, like no more than 32 degrees Fahrenheit. The amount of layers that you have to wear to be comfortable does not mix well with the enormous amounts of alcohol one needs to consume to enjoy themselves in this environment. As you do not currently drink alcohol, I understand if this reference doesn’t resonate with you. However, if you would allow the following analogy. Remember that time I sent you to school in a halter romper when you were just learning how to potty train? I am praying you don’t actually remember this. Getting the halter untied was virtually impossible for a 3 year old to do on her own so you had no choice but to urinate all over yourself. That’s sort of how I feel when I’m in the snow and I have to pee. Then there is the issue of getting to and from the snow. When I hear people in San Francisco talk about going to Tahoe and getting there in 3 hours I immediately put it in the same category as Santa being able to deliver toys to every house in one night. It’s just not possible. Spoiler alert: there is no Santa. I am Santa. Your welcome. Getting to Tahoe feels like a giant pilgrimage and I don’t know if it’s the snow or the never ending voyage but I think about the Donner party every single time and I just don’t want to have to eat my child. That would be so tragic so by asking me to take you to the snow you are just asking to be eaten. Once again I am saved by global warming and it appears there is not enough snow this year to show you so tell your little preschool friends to suck it. Maybe next year. Maybe never.

On an entirely different note, we played the card game war this morning and you kicked the crap out of me. Not that it means anything- it’s basically a game of luck but I am hoping to capitalize on this luck and I am going to have you do all my Super Bowl picks this afternoon. If we win then I will totally put the money in your college fund.