Dear Future Stella, 

Today is the day after St. Patrick’s Day- and this post was meant for yesterday but I was so drunk that I couldn’t type. Sadly, I’m kidding. I was actually trying to hunt down an old photo of you to include in this post and I couldn’t, for the life of me, find that son of a bitch. 

I did eventually find it- using the very advanced technique called Looking At Every Fucking Picture I Have Ever Taken In My Life. This method is tedious but it works. It basically took me all day. Worst St. Patrick’s Day Ever. 

St Patrick’s Day is all about wearing green and drinking beer. Speaking of wearing green, if you are a young adult (which I’m not anymore) and live in our neighborhood apparently the only green garments available are from a lingerie store. These stores also seem to be out of every size but XS. They are probably lingerie stores for leprachauns, somebody should inform all of my neighbors. 

Speaking of beer, drinking lots of it while wearing tiny green clothes is a recipe for awesomeness. Your dad and I love to drive around and see all of the stumbling, green-clad, obviously freezing humans. Your dad and I will drink beer on certain  occassions. We like it, but it’s not usually our first choice. There are 10 scenarios when beer is preferred- 

1) on a lake 

2) at a sporting event/ Sports Bar

3) Before 10am in Mexico. After that- tequila is the top choice.

4) After 10pm in Mexico, if we have had too much tequila

5) At any event where the wine choices are sub par

6) when I’m home alone and the effort of opening a wine bottle seems too difficult. Or when I’m home alone and it’s unclear which of your Dad’s wine collection is fair game. Or when I’m home alone and I feel like drinking a beer.

7) when you’re out to lunch on a Tuesday and your friend orders a beer first and you don’t want them to feel weird by ordering a triple martini (your first choice). I either order a water to make them feel weird or I go with a beer to fit in. Depends on my mood.

8) when we are on antibiotics or other scenarios where we are not supposed to be drinking. 

9) when we are wine tasting and we get a little thirsty. This is called a beer intermission.

10) On St. Patrick’s Day. 

Baby Stella and Current Stella have already had some experience in the beer department. Your dad has trained you to bring him beer in all the above mentioned approved scenarios.

Current Stella looked so cute on St. Patrick’s Day

Future Stella, I Love You. Current Stella, quit taking photos of the ground, or your dolls feet, or me angled up while I’m eating. All of these worthless photos are the reason it took me all day to locate a single photo. 



Future Stella Drinking Games- Grammy Edition

Future Stella,

As I ponder the ways in which I can truly help you in the future, the creation of a new drinking game is the obvious choice. Last night your dad and I watched the Grammys. It occurred to me that the entire premise of the show involves connecting musicians that are at least 2 generations apart and making them collaborate on awkward renditions of previous or current hits. In 20 years, when you are watching the Grammys, it’s most likely going to consist of my favorite musicians today collaborating with your favorite artists. I am picturing a lovely evening that we will spend together where we both ask “Who is that?” a lot and we can both educate the other on the music of our day. Dad can’t play because he is like Rain Man when it comes to music so he will know the answer whether the artist hasn’t had a hit in 50 years or they just lost their music virginity. We should allow him to watch with us though, because he says a lot of funny things during the show. Last night the announcer said “super star pianist” and your dad said “I will show you a super star penis.” Anyway, here is the game. If any of the following things happen during the Grammys in 2035 then you have to drink.
*Madonna performs and still has a better body than her 30 year old counterparts
*Jay-Z and Beyonce are still married
*Justin Timberlake gets some kind of lifetime achievement award
*Ryan Seacrest still interviews on the red carpet
*Taylor Swift is in the front row dancing to every single performance
*North West and Blue Ivy win their first Grammies.
*The opening act is a collaboration between Lady Gaga, Nicky Minaj and Katy Perry. It’s the first time anyone has seen Katy Perry in 10 years and her hair is dyed some unnatural bright color. The older people in the audience are going crazy dancing and singing the words. You look horrified and can’t wait for it to end.
*Michael Bublé bores the crowd with an incredibly painful performance of “Home.”

Here is a key so you know who the above people are


Jay-Z and Beyonce
Justin Timberlake
Ryan Seacrest
Taylor Swift
North West and Blue Ivy Carter
Lady Gaga, Nicky Minaj, Katy Perry
Michael Bublé

Cool things that happened at the 2015 show that may help you in a trivia game at some point
*Sam Smith was a big winner, taking home 4 grammy awards- including best new artist. Your dad and I listen to the Sam Smith radio station on Pandora all the time and think his music is awesome. Something tells me you have no idea what Pandora radio is. Google it, as I am fairly certain Google will still be a thing in 20 years. During one of his speeches last night he said this:
“Before I made this record I was doing everything to try and get my music heard. I tried to lose weight and I was making awful music. It wasn’t until I started to be myself that the music started to flow and people started to listen.” Favorite quote of the night. Always be yourself Stella.
*Beck shocked everyone by winning Album of the Year. I did not see that coming.
*Our president, Barack Obama, delivered a PSA about sexual and domestic violence. I am curious how your history books refer to Barack. Besides being the first black president, I wonder if he will be conveyed as a great president or a giant letdown. Jury is still out on that one. I also hope that you, or any of your peers, never experience sexual or domestic violence. I know you won’t because your Dad would beat the living shit out of anyone that ever tried to hurt you.
*My favorite performance was by Ed Sheeran even though he’s a red head. Natural red headed guys totally gross me out. I know that’s mean, and I bet some are crazy nice but I just can’t. He sang the song “Thinking Out Loud.” Your dad and I decided it would be a great wedding song. Insert winky face.

Future Stella, I love you. Current Stella, I have a hilarious video of you singing “Its All About The Bass.” Cant wait to torture you with it one day.