Our Week Recap

Dear Future Stella,

We have done some pretty fun stuff these past couple of days. Current Stella is evolving into this little lady that doesn’t totally suck to spend time with.  Who knew? 

As a family we went to Sushi on Saturday night. Current Stella tried 5 new foods 

*raw yellowtail

*cucumber

*avocado

*seaweed

*beef gyoza

In exchange for trying these foods Current Stella was allowed to pick out 5 things from Amazon.com, making this sushi dinner stupid expensive. Here are the 5 things she wanted to get

*Frozen glitter gliders

*the Elsa and Anna flip and switch castle

*a package of 10 Barbie shoes

*a Cinderella Barbie

*some other frozen bullshit thing that looks just like a ton of other worthless crap you have accumulated. 

I try to encourage trying new foods in ways  that don’t involve forcing or other food incentives, like dessert. Although you are technically being motivated to try new foods by the reward of toys, we don’t sit there and beg and pressure. If you do it- great, if you don’t, we are just as happy because we are not as broke. It’s a total win-win.

On Sunday we went to brunch with my mommy bestie (the incredible Kelly) and her daughter, Current Stella’s classmate, Audrey. We ate at Tipsy Pig and Kelly bought Current Stella a book at the local bookstore. Here’s a shocker- it was a princess book. I will never understand this obsession, but I understand less the groups of moms who are totally anti and try and steer their daughters in other directions. As if! It’s like a princess has invaded her body and there is nothing I can do to stop the incessant princess language, attire, or behavior. I just tune it out with the help of wine and good friends.

  

Here is Audrey, flipping me off. You two cuties are really just a pleasure. It’s called Tipsy Pig for a reason and so I’m pretty sure I’m just chugging vodka by this point. Just kidding, I’m actually nursing a Bloody Mary because the night before was a rough one.

On Monday it was both the first day back to school from Spring Break and  the opening day for the San Francisco Giants so I decided to have friends over to watch the game and celebrate the beginning of our favorite season. Naturally, this meant sending Current Stella to school in head to toe Giants gear. As soon as I dropped her off I received an email from her school reminding me that today was picture day. Fucking perfect. 90% of the time time Current Stella is a walking fashion billboard, and the day it’s actually going to be captured by professionals, I send her to school looking like some sort of sporty spice. 

 

 

Whatever, I guarantee this picture will be cuter than your actual cheerleading pics (if you ever became one). So if you ever have wondered why you are wearing fan gear in your school photo, that is why. 

The Giants party was super fun but we lost. In attendance was the Kimbroughs (duh), Annie and Andy, Kara, Phillip, and Gail The Puppy. It was ballpark food themed so I was in heaven.    

    

After most everyone left Current Stella and Annie snuggled up and read a book. Hopefully she is still in your life- your bond is pretty special and it’s such an awesome mom feeling when your friends make an effort to connect with your kids. 

   

Ok, confession. I just wanted to show that last picture because it looks like Gail the Puppy is totes dancing like a boss. Although my friends reading to my kid is sweet, let’s be honest, if Gail wasn’t doing the Macarena then this photo would never had made it to the future.

On Tuesday Kelly and myself took Current Audrey and Current Stella to the DeYoung museum to see the Bouquets de Art exhibit. I really wanted to take her there because Current Stella is obsessed with flowers of any kind. This exhibit brings in floral designers from all over the area to make arrangements that compliment the museum’s art. It’s absolutely stunning what some people can do with flowers.

   

          

Ugh. You better still be friends with Audrey. She’s such a badass little kid. 

 

 

It has been a great couple of days. Tonight Current Stella was being a slight pill when I got home from work. Not anything crazy like OxyContin, more like a Tylenol, but a pill none the less. 

Future Stella, I love you. Current Stella, your Grandpa sent you a coloring book of all the native flowers in California today. You LOVED this and immediately wanted to color in it and learn about all the flower names. You were very curious about pansies and I told you that it was your dad’s favorite flower. When he got home you attempted to share this newfound knowledge with him (as I was hoping) but you butchered it and said, “Daddy, Mommy told me you like panties.” This made him beam. Child, do you have any idea how many times I have set you up for the greatest joke of all time and it backfires and the joke ends up being on me?  All your fault. 

Love,

Mom

Current Stella Friends

Dear Future Stella,

Lets play a game where I show you pictures of your friends from when you were four or less and then you stalk them on whatever social media platform is popular in 2024. Its going to be so much fun. Some of these people you better still be friends with or at least half-ass follow them on above mentioned social media. Current Stella is such an awesome friend and she has already had some boyfriends and some romantic encounters.

Your first friends were picked by me because you were only three weeks old. I met a group of five other moms who all had given birth to their first children around the same time you came barreling into this world. They all lived in walking distance from us and shockingly, I really liked these ladies! We would meet up once a week, rotating from house to house, sometimes we would drink coffee, other times it was champagne. We all shared all of our nightmare stories about no sleep and bleeding nipples and you babies all went through your first milestones together, not exactly at the same time but you all got there eventually. We still see these families around once a year, but sadly we are the only family left in San Francisco and those moms went on to have more children (I know, some people are really crazy Future Stella). One of the boys in this group became your first boyfriend (at the age of two) and you guys even shared a babysitter for awhile.

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Notice you are the only baby freaking the fuck out

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Here you are with your first boyfriend, Nicholas. I have this creepy fantasy of you finding him on the latest dating technology and rekindling things. Pretty please? Just try it. You cannot ignore the insane amount of chemistry you guys have.

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Your first friend that you met at Marina Tots was named Kate. You guys also attended Calvary together. This is an example of a friendship where you seemed way more into her then she was into you. I hope that you have figured that out by now and only have friends who love you equally back. Not that Kate was a bad friend, you guys were just tiny kids, but you weren’t really picking up on her “Im just not that into you vibes”

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When Nicholas moved away, you started to invest more interest in a little boy named Ryo, and he soon became your next boyfiend. Nicholas was sweet and romantic, Ryo was more of the cool hipster bad boy that played hard to get. You guys would have had super cute children. Im pretty good friends with his mom so maybe you guys stayed close and the thought of making babies with him is nasty. If you guys have lost touch definitely look him up too.

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Just look at this passionate relationship so far? He took you for a ride on his tractor, then you got all pissed at him in the pool (probably for checking out another tot in her two piece) then you tried to make up to him in the tent thing but by the evidence on his face he was more interested in his ice cream. Finally, you two rekindle the flame in the outdoor hot tub. You guys have done more romantic things than your father and me. Like I said, look him up. Just saying’

You have had 3 pretty close friends that you met at your current preschool. Their names are Sophina, Audrey and Tyler. Audrey’s mommy is like my spirit animal and I adore her so much. She has an actual legit blog that tells you useful information. Tyler is the sweetest thing on the planet and I bet you remain friends with her because you guys are both going on to the same school.

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Finally, you have the friends that I force you to hang out with because their mom’s are my best friends from my own childhood. You get to vacation with them and Current Stella loves to stalk them on Instagram. They are both boys and quite a bit younger but because their Mamas are like sisters to me I have a feeling you will always keep tabs on them. Their names are Mason and Felix.

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At your preschool their philosophy is to be a kind and caring friend. I love this so much because I don’t care if you know your numbers or can write your name but you better sure as shit be a nice human who can make connections with people and do selfless acts of kindness in the name of friendship. Thus far, you have proved to be a much nicer friend than me and so Im fairly confident that this won’t be your issue and that makes me smile so big right now thinking about it.

Current Stella is a phenomenal friend. She plans her playdates days in advance. She obsesses over having snacks available that she knows her friends like. She takes out activities that she thinks they will find amusing,even if they are things she doesn’t really like herself. She will wear her playdate’s favorite color on that day to make them happy. She talks about the upcoming playdate ad nauseam. Now that I think about it, maybe this behavior has nothing to do with good friendship, but just indicates an early interest in the profession of party planning? Oh. My. Effing. G!!! Throw me a party for my birthday!!! I have never had a surprise party but I totally have always wanted one. You are the best Future Child anyone could ever ask for.

Future Stella, I love you. Current Stella, you have told me multiple times that I am your best friend. I know all kids say that to their moms, but I still think its really cool. BFF’s for Life!!!

Love,

Mom

Lets Talk About Arms and Tater Tots

Dear Future Stella,

Today while laying on the couch with Current Stella she told me that she loves my arms so so much. She told me they are always so warm. I said thank you, and that I liked her arms too. This prompted Current Stella to tell me that she loves me so so so so much and that she will never love another person’s arms more than mine. I told her that I love her arms more than she loves my arms. We argued for a bit over who loved the other person’s arms more.

Barf. I mean it makes me so nauseous to be so mushy-gushy-lovey-dovey. This is an example of a conversation that is so out of character for me, and with anyone else would feel so creepy. I am not a verbally affectionate person and I have never expressed love for anyone’s arms, ever.

Right now Current Stella’s arms are still soft and squishy. Her little hands have marker all over them, as they often do these days, evidence of her obsession with coloring. Her fingernails have chipped blue polish on them. She has a healing scrape from an accident at school and, I believe, 3 freckles- but who’s counting? I don’t know when they will form into bony arms, or arms with muscle tone, or arms with hair. Maybe one day they will have tattoos on them, although I hope not. More than tattoos, I hope they never show signs of self hatred, abuse, or drug use. If her arms end up strong like her dad’s, I hope they never hurt anyone. If they are weak like mine, I hope they still accomplish great things.

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I have never thought so much about anyone’s arms and, in a way, its easier to think of each part of Current Stella individually, because when I think about the love I feel for the whole package its truly overwhelming.

So, Future Stella, lets talk about your arms. Do you have any scars? I have 3. One is from a tater tot. I dropped it on my arm when it was fresh out of the oven and it actually left a scar. Im not going to lie, I super love having a permanent mark on my body that was caused by a tater tot. I love tater tots. I also have a scar from when I backed into a hot curling iron in beauty school. That one gets really dark when I get tan. My favorite scar is from a pencil that I accidentally stabbed myself with in 3rd grade. It looks like a tiny blue dot. I love telling people that its a tattoo of the earth from really far away. Your Dad, as Im sure you are aware, has a giant scar on his arm from a motorcycle accident. He also has a ton of freckles on his arms, which I think is adorable. His arms are also freakishly muscular, and his hands look just like his Dads. Weird, I guess I have obsessed over someone else’s arms!

I hope you have some really good scar stories for me. Scars are really good conversation starters so here is some dating advice. On a first date, scan his/her arms for scars and ask about how they got them. Even better, offer to guess how they got the scars. If you are witty and quick like me, this will either score major points or end things pretty quickly. Just grab their arm, examine the scar, maybe even run your finger over it and say something like, “You were 7. You found one of your mom’s tampons and you were playing around with it. Thinking the string was a wick of sorts, you lit it with matches you stole from your dad. You were waving it around and pretending it was a Dynamite stick when your little sister walked in and scared the shit out of you.” This should make them laugh, or create awkward silence. Either way, the real story about how the scar happened will never be as good. Fact. The man of my dreams would laugh, make an equally funny guess about one of my scars (which I would trump be saying its actually from a tater tot). Then we would spend the rest of the night talking about tampons and tater tots and we would live happily ever after.

Future Stella, I love you. Current Stella, I love your arms and every square inch of your tiny lady body except for the part of your brain that creates tantrums and meltdowns. Unless that part of the brain also is in charge of making your profess your endless love for my warm arms. I don’t really know how the brain works exactly so I might have to get back to you on that. Current Stella, I love your arms the most, but only because Gail The Puppy technically has paws, so I believe its a separate category.

Love,

Mom

What The Interwebs Say We Will Look Like in 20 years

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Dear Future Stella,

I was going to wait and see what Current Stella will look like in 20 years but when I discovered the internet will just show me right now I decided to go that route. I had to painfully wait my whole pregnancy to find out what sex you were going to be so I pretty much don’t want to wait for anything else ever again. Today’s society makes it really easy to get whatever we want whenever we want.

Here you are in 20 years, which if this is correct, should feel like you are looking in a mirror. Hopefully you are not high or something when you read this entry because it might totally put you into some crazy alternate universe. If you do a lot of drugs, keep scrolling because this site let me see what you would look like in 20 years if you were a drug addict so maybe that photo will be more familiar to you.

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I think we can both agree that they are both terrible. Before seeing these pictures I would have advocated hardcore for you to be drug free, but now that I know you only look slightly more hideous if you go that route- I say go for it. You only live once. I find it interesting that they predict you will have some sort of brow lift on one side of your face, both on and off drugs. What does the internet know that I do not? Car accident? Trendy new plastic surgery procedure? I guess it is true what they say, the cuter the kid, the uglier the adult. I mean sweetie, no offense, but at 24 you are looking old kiddo. I bet its all the sugar you eat.

Here is what they say I will look like in 20 years
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Besides gaining about 10 pounds it appears the only change I am making in the next 2 decades is dying my eyebrows black and wearing dark lipstick only on my upper lip. Seems like an odd choice but clearly the internet knows future fashion and I don’t.

Here’s your Dad
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Of course he looks the fucking same. The only difference is the permanent wine mustache which, no offense Internet, I could have predicted that. Men are so damn lucky.

Then I saw a website that could tell me what my baby would look like. I uploaded a picture of myself and your dad and this is what they said our baby should look like

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Its like, how did they know we were going to put you in corn rows? The internet is one smart cookie

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I was also curious to see what the baby of your dad and his celebrity crush would look like. Her name is Emily Ratajkowski. It was such a relief that the baby was downright repulsive. I am sort of interested to know why their baby is destined to wear that stupid hat? They don’t give any information with these pictures so I can only assume their baby has one ugly head.

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Dear Future Stella, I still love you even though you are ugly. Current Stella, I am going to tape these pictures to your wall and if that doesn’t motivate you to make some serious diet changes, girl I don’t know what will.

*I feel like I have to say this because the internet is full of some crazy people who cannot for the life of them detect sarcasm or humor. I am 100% not serious, if you have a bone to pick, talk to the websites that create these pictures. I will love my dear sweet Stella no matter what she looks like and I hate drugs.

WHY ARE YOU SO NICE?

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Dear Future Stella,



For the past couple of days I have been doing this thing where I go find Current Stella and pick her up- mid activity. I don’t really say anything to her, I just grab her and scoop her up. I wrap her legs around my waste and drape her hands around my neck. I hold her so tight and begin to stroke her hair. She just gives into this; becoming limp and releasing a giant sigh of relaxation. She doesn’t say anything but she rests her head on my shoulder and we both stay like this for a good amount of time. 

I do this because I’m pretty awkward but I truly adore her affection. I won’t be the mom that dotes on her or remembers to give her a kiss every single time I leave for work. I’m just not an affectionate person but that doesn’t mean I don’t love our bond. 

Every time I initiate this interaction, she welcomes it gladly. Whether she is eating, building a Lego tower or blowing bubbles outside- she will drop anything to snuggle up to me. I find this so incredibly sweet. She will even accept affection during a tantrum. 

Don’t get me wrong, she is a lunatic sometimes, but in general she is seriously so nice. She is nice to our dogs,  to her friends, to strangers, and shockingly- to me.

Future Stella, I hope you are still nice. I hope that you continue to inspire me to be more affectionate. I hope that I inspire you to recognize other forms of affection. 

People scare me all the time about how their sweet girls grow up to be raging bitch nightmare teenagers. You might fall into this catergory. Maybe you will tell me that you hate me one day. Maybe you will try and run away. Whatever disaster you try and bring into my life, I hope I remember how simple it is to give you a hug. I won’t pretend that it will solve all of our future issues, but it sure won’t hurt to try. 

Future Stella, I love you. Current Stella, if I didn’t have to go to work this morning I could have stayed in that hug forever. You are getting so heavy but there really isn’t anything else on the planet that compares to the feel of your hug. You farted on me though, and that pretty much killed the moment.

Love,

Mom

You Have No #Selfie Control

I so wish this was a selfie.  You would officially be my hero.

Dear Future Stella,

Did you know that you are the same age as the selfie? Technically, someone used the word selfie in 2002 but it didn’t really become a thing until 2010. In 2012, Time Magazine considered “selfie” one of the “top 10 buzzwords” of the year. Current Stella is the master of the selfie and I often unexpectedly come across photos you take of yourself on my phone without my knowledge. Oh God, I should probably clarify. Today’s selfie refers to a photo that someone takes of themselves, typically the face and sometimes the body. I need to clarify because I’m worried the selfie of Future Stella’s time is like a close up of the inside of your labia or something disturbing like that. I, personally, am not a selfie person but I sure do love seeing all of yours. There are a lot of people who think selfies are arrogant and reserved for narcissistic people and the posting of these pictures actually promote woman as sex objects. Clearly, the people who feel that way have not seen my selfies. I am told selfies are supposed to be flattering, but I always look horrendous. There are others who find them empowering and think people should take selfies as a way of showing love for one’s self, and posting them publicly is proof of one’s self confidence. Then there are people like me who don’t have a strong opinion about them, I just know I personally don’t enjoy taking them or posting them. However, starting a few days ago, my camera on my iPhone has been taking really blurry photos. There seems to be some sort of film on the lens itself. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was your grimy little fingers that caused it, but the picture quality has been terrible lately. In any case, until I get it fixed, I can only take selfies, because they are the only ones that don’t turn out blurry. This inspired me to take a short trip down our selfie memory lane.

I located my first selfies I ever took on my phone, of course being 2010, your newborn cuteness were also in them with me. So your first selfie was also my first selfie. God we are cute.

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Here are some of my favorite selfies you have left me on my phone
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Here we are taking bus selfies, or technically, waiting for the bus selfies. You love doing this.
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Tonight you asked if we could lay on the couch and eat animal crackers together. Sounds like my kind of Monday night. Or really any night. Lets promise to always lay on the couch and eat animal crackers together.
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I wonder if selfies will still be a thing in 20 years? I wonder if you will continue to be a selfie person? Even if they are not a thing and you totally hate them, will you take one on my phone and leave it there for me to find? Ugh, I probably won’t have a phone and I bet our eyes will just be cameras. Figure out the modern day version of leaving a selfie on my phone and then do it please. Unless a modern day selfie is the labia thing I mentioned earlier then please, please don’t.

Future Stella, I love you. Current Stella, you said tonight that you don’t like the monkey shaped animal crackers. What the fuck? You swore they taste different.

Love,

Mom

Current Stella Visits the Future and Pukes

Dear Future Stella,

I am one of those moms who never has anything on me in case of an emergency. I don’t like schlepping and I hate the bad luck quality of planning for the worse. When you were a tiny baby I would venture out with just the clothes on your back and a tiny purse that mainly contained my needs (money, lip gloss, cell phone). I would see moms who would arrive and look more like they were backpacking through Europe then attempting a casual lunch out. I never understood it. I still don’t. This trip was no exception, so when you decided to get the plague at Disney, I had a lot of items to acquire. They didn’t have childrens liquid Tylenol/Advil at our hotel gift shop. Um? Note to fucking Disneyland Hotel- 90% of your clientele are kids- might want to check into that. I ended up buying the infant Advil, resulting in you having to down a pint size glass of grape flavored syrup in order to be the equivalent of your proper dose. It was either that or buy the adult Advil, half a pill, crush it up and figure out a way to get you to snort it. We also had to buy a thermometer, and up and until this point, you have only had the kind that briefly touches your temple. This one was the standard under-the-tongue model, which you reacted as if I told you I was requiring you to eat the device, as opposed to just stick it in your mouth. You literally acted like a psycho. You wanted to know what it was going to taste like. Metal. You said you hate metal. You wanted to know if it was going to hurt. No. Yes it will you said. I held you down and your Dad performed the surgery of putting the thermometer in your mouth.

After I purchased all the items in the gift shop that pertained to your illness, I then started to network with my resources to access more medical supplies. First, I called my sister, your Tia, who would have come to San Francisco to help us out if that was necessary, but considering she lives in Southern California and was on her way to our hotel anyway, this favor was relatively easy. She’s the kind of mom who has everything so I didn’t really ask for anything specific, I just told her what your symptoms were and awaited her arrival. Your Tia arrived with a tiny red leather case containing all sorts of neatly labeled vials of clear oils. Along with them came some instructions (your Tia couldn’t be there for the actual administering of these drugs but she texted me detailed notes). These oils were some sort of hippie-voodoo-magic potions that she has been really into. I read the text and then checked out the oils. First of all, they smelled like a store that you would go to if you were in search of a dream catcher, mixed with an herb garden and a little bit of day spa. I vaguely remembered one was supposed to get rubbed on your spine, one on the bottom of your feet and one on your chest. In reality what happened was that I just sort of dabbled a little bit of everything on you and massaged it all in like I was preparing a Thanksgiving turkey before placing it in the oven. I was quite satisfied because, for the first time in days, someone smelled worse than me.

Here’s the bummer about the timing of your illness. We were supposed to check out of our hotel today, spend the day at Disneyland (remember up until this point you had only seen California Adventure) then I was going to fly home late that night and you were going to stay at some random (less expensive) hotel with your dad and drive home the next morning. Checkout at the Disneyland Hotel was 10am and you couldn’t check into the new hotel until 3pm. This left us with 6 hours of homelessness and our only options were to keep you in a baking hot car, or quarantine you inside a stroller and wander around Disneyland. We chose the latter for so many reasons and although I was conflicted about bringing a sick child into Disneyland, we really didn’t have a more attractive scenario. It’s not like you had the measles. Your fever was gone at this point and you were totally happy being rolled around the park in your stroller gurney.

After spending the day at Disneyland l did leave with a long list of questions and general WTF moments. Here are my top 3.
1) We saw a grown ass man, and by grown ass I mean in his 20’s, stand in line for over an hour to meet Rapunzel by himself, take photos with her and ask her a million questions. I need to know that this behavior is allowed at Disneyland only because he gets some sort of flag next to his name and the FBI is notified immediately. I would have to imagine that a giant portion of the strange crimes that people commit would be greatly reduced if Disneyland staff were able to report this odd behavior. I really tried to think of any situation that would make this interaction justifiable and I couldn’t think of anything.
2) Disneyland staff are not being properly utilized for their strengths. These people are like god damn secret agents. They approached me to pick up and throw away an empty drink container that I had set behind my foot on the ground during a parade. I would guess 2 square inches were visuable to the naked eye and they spotted that shit. If 1 man in a crowd of 100 was standing when they were supposed to be sitting, the Disney police were on it. Illegal flash photography happening during a ride? Not on their fucking watch. My dad was reprimanded for sitting in a stroller because they were only for kids. I mean, I am almost certain I could drive around SF with a gun pointed out my window and the Disney staff would stop me before the cops.These people need to be fighting terrorism, not picking up trash.
3) I want to have a focus group with people who feel the need to record an entire ride/performance/parade. I just don’t understand. Do they watch these videos again? Do they edit them down to the maybe 3 seconds of savable material? Do they think people want to see the second-hand, jolty, fuzzy version of a Disney parade in its entirety? Besides the obvious bore factor, these people never have a clear shot the entire time so random people are often coming in and out of view. Due to the fact that they are recording these events on cell phones, film school doesn’t seem to be something they would have likely completed, so I’m guessing the quality of these cinematic ventures are absolutely terrible.

I did force you out of your hospital on wheels a few times, much to your dismay, but I just couldn’t swallow the fact that you were missing out on so much fun. One of the times was to make you go on Star Tours. I really really wanted a picture with Current Stella in Tomorrowland (how’s that for a contradiction?) so that one day we can come back and recreate it but with Future Stella.

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Don’t you look so thrilled to be there? Also important to note is not long after the ride you puked in the bushes.

Future Stella, I love you. Current Stella, you are such a hot mess and I hope you wake tomorrow feeling so much better.

Love,

Mom

Disneyland, Here I Come

Dear Future Stella,

A terrible scent woke me up this morning. I was convinced someone had snuck into my house and unloaded open containers of expired Chinese food, or maybe they had collected all those waste bins inside public restrooms (the metal ones inside the stall itself which are most used to dispose of old tampons and what not) and then put them in some sort of heating device and then promptly left the still steaming heap on my bedroom floor. It didn’t take long to realize the smell was myself, the spray tan specifically. Never again Stella. It’s just not worth it.

I decided to take Uber Carpool to the airport. It’s sort of strange to talk to Future Stella about our current technology because I know that you either won’t have any idea what I’m talking about, or you will make fun of me because said technology is incredibly dated by the time you read this. Anyway, in case you have no idea, Uber is a service where, with a few taps on your phone, a car arrives to take you to where ever you want to go. Current Stella calls it “Uba” and she quite likes it. They give you water bottles and gum and it usually smells nicer than the bus (can’t say today’s Uber smells particularly lovely, but that’s my spray tan’s fault, not Uber’s). The carpool is a feature where you can share the car with other strangers in exchange for a cheaper fare. Considering I was traveling alone and I had nothing but time, I chose this option. The gentleman I shared my ride with was a man by the name of Jeremy, I believe. He was headed to San Diego for a few days of golf. Within a few minutes of entering the car he rolled his window down. I so badly wanted to apologize for the scent emanating off of my body but I just couldn’t work that out. I’m incredibly socially awkward. I almost asked him for his cell phone number so I could at least text him an explanation. In writing I can be witty and coherent and come off as somewhat sane. In real time, though, the results are just too unpredictable and given the subject matter, my words had way too many opportunities to veer off in strange tangents. When in doubt, I usually go with awkward silence. That always works. We were about 10 minutes into the ride, the sound of wind rushing through his window was filling the empty silence just fine, so I decided to check my email. What do you know, my flight had been cancelled. Just perfect. I say “fuck” louder than I had intended to. Jeremy looks up and starts asking questions. I tell him my flight was cancelled and he says all the obvious stranger responses, “That sucks. Where were you headed?” I go on to tell him about Disneyland, clearly crushing his dreams when I mention you and your father. I then had to painfully ask him to roll up his window so that I could make a phone call to the airlines. He obliged but from then on his voice switched to very nasally, making it abundantly clear that he would no longer be inhaling through his nose. I so badly wanted to commiserate with him and say that just as hard as it is for him to be in the presence of my rancid air, it’s even harder for me to make a phone call, to a stranger none the less. I would say we were even. The airline made me wait a ridiculously long time just to tell me they couldn’t help me.

When I arrived at the San Francisco Airport I approached the kiosk to try and work this out. After weighing all my options, it appeared my best bet was to catch a flight out of Oakland. Awesome. I will save you details because it’s not that exciting, but I finally arrived in Oakland and now I’m sitting next to a middle aged man on the plane. He’s in a business suit with monogrammed cuff links rocking out to Lady Gaga. It’s just fascinating. I have so so many questions.

I had this brilliant idea to design you a t-shirt for our trip to Disneyland. After spending a long time on it and arriving at a design I was quite proud of, your dad (and every other person I showed it to) put the kabash on it. I still have no idea why. Anyway, here’s the shirt that I wanted to order you.

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Now listen, first of all, you ARE vaccinated. Not sure if it still a debate amongst the moms of your generation, but it a huge hot topic for the families in 2015. In a nutshell, a whole gang of people have been getting the measles at Disneyland due to the high number of unvaccinated children currently roaming around. I will not pretend I am educated enough to join the debate, and I have done almost no research. I just know that you are vaccinated and totally fine, therefore able to go to Disneyland right now without the threat of Measles. I was hoping the shirt would scare people away from us, thus resulting in clearer paths and less crowds. Too bad I will never know if this would work.

Other hot topics Im curious to know if they still exist for you are 1) working moms vs. stay at home moms 2) breastfeeding 3) attachment parenting. Can't wait to have these discussions with you, as I find the evolution of such things absolutely riveting.

Future Stella, I love you. Current Stella, your dad just sent me a message saying you already were scared of the characters at the Disneyland Hotel and started to cry. What the fuck child?

Love,

Mom

My First Day Without the Family (Par-Tay!)

Dear Future Stella,

You left this morning with your Daddy and our two doggies, Phyllis and Gail to head down to the Central Coast to visit your Grandparents en route to Disneyland. Due to work and some other prior engagements, I can’t join you for a few days. Being in our home without you is so sad and strange. That’s a lie, it’s amazing and such a treat. I genuinely miss Gail though. She’s really just the best. I am going to talk shit for a minute about Current Stella, although I don’t know if it’s considered talking shit if I’m technically saying it to her future face. Anyway, Current Stella is a cry baby little nightmare lately. She’s just soooooo sensitive and cries about everything but nothing significant. I have read all the books and I know these things are significant to her and that I’m supposed to be modeling empathy in these moments but it’s really truly difficult for me. Im not a sensitive person at all so this is really outside my realm of understanding. I don’t know if it’s a phase, her personality, or too much Caillou (that little jackass is the whiniest little baby on television), but I’m a little relieved to have a break from it. Future Stella, if you are still a cry baby then please know I still totally love you but just be glad that you don’t have a sibling because it would be a point for them in the favoritism column. Having kids when you are an inherently selfish person is quite a shock to the system. You add being married to a man for 7 years and a couple of dogs and one can feel suffocated pretty quickly. I say this only to inspire you to not feel bad about enjoying space and distance from those whom you love. Parents, and moms specifically, are always riddled with guilt and made to feel bad about spending time away from their kids. I don’t understand this at all but I think that this has more to do with the fact that I’m more selfish than the average bear. You, though, you’re a gentle kind soul who would give your own liver to someone you love (me first please). I can see this being an issue for you when you are a mom. Woah, I’m so sorry. I just totally assumed you would be a mom. I genuinely didn’t mean to assume. You could have kids, no kids, be straight, or lesbian, or maybe even bisexual. I don’t care if you adopt kids, foster kids or if you are a surrogate for someone else’s kids. Just don’t kill kids. That would be a rough one to deal with. People say you love your kids no matter what, but I don’t know about if your kid kills other kids. I wonder if that still applies? If you have kids that have killed kids and you are reading this, maybe weigh in on if you still love them. My curiosity is definitely peaked. Killing kids aside, I can say with confidence that I will love you in 20 years when you are reading this. That’s a pretty crazy thought to rationalize, for me at least. I am someone who prides myself on never saying never and the concept of not saying a good thing out loud because you might jinx it. For instance, as secure as I am with my love for your father, I cannot, with good conscious, promise you that I will be with him in 20 years. There isn’t enough wood that exists for me to knock on that can un-jinx that sentence. There are so many unknowns and what ifs and just by claiming such a bold statement I would be setting us up for failure. Side note to your father really quick: Babe, I know you read these occasionally so please know that I am not saying that I doubt we will be together or that I hope we wont be together, I am just not going to make such an enormous promise to our child that we will definitely be together in 20 years. That has jinx written all over it. Miss you!
Back to Future Stella: I hope we are still married and that we have given you an honest, yet wonderful example of marriage and parenting just like we both had from our parents. Trust me, the last thing I want is for you to have to split your holidays between our two homes. Your dad will be all fat and old looking from the depression of not having me in his life. Then I would make you feel really uncomfortable for subjecting you to my new boyfriend who will be roughly your age and look like some sort of updated Magic Mike look-a-like. Nobody needs to go through that, so I will do my best to keep your dad around. I can’t say where we will be living in 20 years, or what i will look like (I’m guessing amazing), or how much money we will have or what my favorite instagram filter will be. I can say with confidence two things. 1) I will for sure love you (I still need proof about the kid killing thing) and 2) both Phyllis and Gail will be dead.

Future Stella, I love you. Current Stella, I dare you to find something to cry about at Disneyland.

Love,

Mom

My Wimpy Martyr

Dear Future Stella,

Something about Current Stella really confuses me and I have been wondering lately if this behavior will continue into adulthood. Only you can answer that! I don’t understand how you can be such a cry baby when it comes to the most basic, non serious injuries, yet be so stoic when you are sick.

The other day you flipped a lid when a microscopic piece of your cuticle peeled back from your fingernail. You cried so hard and insisted upon a Band-Aid. Naturally, the entire arm was out of commission, and needed to be elevated away from the bath and God forbid you wore a shirt with tight cuffs that would potentially brush the outside of the band aid. This Band-Aid needed to be dressed daily, putting it in the same category as burn wounds and major lacerations. This isn’t an abnormal occurrence- sometimes it’s a scrape on your knee or a blister on your foot. I mean shit, you asked for a Band-Aid once when you hit your funny bone on the coffee table! The amount of consolation and tears these invisible boo boos require are out of proportion to how you act when you are ill.

Most of the time when you are sick you casually tell me that you have a cold or that your stomach hurts. You typically go on to say that you are fine and that you are going to make sure and drink a lot of water. In reality, for you to mention an illness, you already have a raging fever or look completely void of color. You do not want me in these moments. It’s actually something I have a very hard time relating to other moms about. Everyone talks about how when their kids are sick, everything gets messed up. Their kids wake up all night, need to crawl in bed with them and are generally grumpy or acting “off.” I hear this scenario ALL THE TIME. So much so, that when you were younger and I knew you were sick, I would voluntarily go get you from your bed and bring you into ours (because that is what other parents made me feel was standard procedure). I would stroke your back or play with your hair and eventually you would say “Mommy, can I go back into my bed now?” The couple of times you have been crazy sick (rush to the urgent care and an international visit to the ER) you were an absolute trooper. I just don’t get it!

This morning you could barely breathe from a head cold you have been fighting, yet have failed to mention (except for yesterday when you causally said you had a “yiddle cold”) and the only request you had was that you wear socks so that you could protect an invisible wound on your foot that has been there for no less than a week. WTF?

As Future Stella, can you tell me, are you still a giant pussy who DGAF about being sick?

Future Stella, I love you. Current Stella, I’m sorry you have a cold but don’t worry because you have an Ariel Band-Aid on a mole.

Love,

Mom