Future Stewwa, I Wuv You


This morning on the bus you asked me why your name doesn’t have a W in it because it sounds like it should. You can’t say your L’s so you pronounce your name “Stewwa.” I laughed a little bit because sometimes you are just so dang cute. I did my best to explain that your name is pronounced Stella and that it just doesn’t sound like that when you say it because L’s are tricky for you to say.

5 minutes pass.

You ask, “Mommy, why didn’t you just name me Stewwa so I could say my own name?”
Me- Speechless, because honestly what do you say to that? Well played Stella, well played. Here’s what I was thinking though:

Honestly, Stella, I named you Stella because I was unaware of the fact that you were going to have a speech impediment. I guess I had high hopes for you and I’m a little annoyed that such a basic thing seems so difficult for you. Calm down. I wasn’t thinking that at all. I actually was thinking that I hope you never learn how to say your L’s and I want you to always say Stewwa because I can’t stand the idea of you getting bigger and learning the complete English language. I’m just not ready. Here are a few more ridiculously adorable things you say:

Breakfast- breastis
Flash light- light flash
Accessories- sessories
I love it when you ask if you can load down a new app on my phone.

Future Stella, I love you. Current Stewwa, I Wuv You.


Things I say to Current Stella That Might Explain Future Stella’s Therapy Costs

This morning on the bus you told me “Did you know that water makes you yawn?”
I said, “Really?”
You went on to explain, “Yes, because one time I yawned after I drank water.”
I replied with “That’s correct and having sex makes you pregnant. One time I had sex and I got pregnant.”
This is an example of one of the many times I forget that I’m not talking to Future Stella and you will typically give me this face


Right after I said it I knew I should have given you a more age appropriate answer like, “Yes, water makes you yawn just like every time you watch the movie Frozen a puppy is murdered.”

Last night while you were helping me prepare dinner you asked who taught me how to cook.

I told you the truth (shocker, I know) which is that I taught myself by watching the Food Network all day for basically 2 years. Mom, if you ever read this, I love you to pieces but you never showed me how to cook! You won’t try a bit of the food we make together but I can get you to smell each ingredient. I’m convinced that you actually have a very sophisticated pallet (like your father) and my prediction is that Future Stella is going to be an amazing cook. Am I right? Last night you smelled ginger and said it smelled like Play-Doh. I smelled it, expecting to smell nothing that resembled Play-Doh but you were totally right. It reminded me of when your dad smells/tastes wine and he will say shit like “I get hummingbird piss on the nose with a little shiitake mushroom and sunflower pollen.” I don’t think he’s ever said hummingbird piss but they are always obscure items that I don’t wish to smell or taste so you get my point. However, unlike with your ginger, when I smell and taste the exact same wine, all I smell is alcohol and all I taste is pure heaven.


Here you are helping me cook.

Future Stella, I Love you. Current Stella, I snuck a little bit of the sauce you helped me make on your pasta and you liked it.


Current Stella questions, Future Stella Answers

1) Current Stella- “Why do you keep your shoes on the floor when you have a closet?”

My answer to Future Stella- hopefully you have learned to mind your own business. Something tells me you will end up like your father and always, no matter what, keep a meticulous closet. If this is true you will fundamentally never be able to understand why I keep my shoes on the ground, everywhere, as opposed to the closet where some think they belong. On a side note, do you like shoes? That’s really more important. I might like mine spread around the house and you might like yours in clear plastic shoe containers neatly stacked in your closet that an app on your phone probably catalogues and organizes BUT what matters here is that we both like shoes. I hope we are the same size so we can share shoes, or more like I steal yours to try and feel younger. I will leave them all over the house and you will probably freak out and yell at me and tell me what an annoying mom I am and to quit stealing your shoes.

2) Current Stella- “Mom, why do you shower with your rings on your fingers? Daddy says this ruins them.”

My answer to Future Stella- I bet I have a shinier, bigger and more beautiful ring on my wedding finger now dont I? Back then your 4 year old brain could never have understood that “ruining” my current ring was just part of my master plan to get Daddy to get me a new one. This is a really important lesson. In the crazy off chance that I’m still rocking my very old and ruined original wedding ring then it could mean 1 of 2 things. One, your dad left me years ago and I refuse to accept it and still wear his ring and call myself his wife despite his many requests for me to get off his lawn and go home. The other, more insane possibility, is that I have grown to love the tiny ring that your dad put on my finger and despite it being completely destroyed from showering in it all these years, I can’t seem to wrap my brain around the concept of replacing it. In this very improbable scenario, there is hope for me at last. Due to the obvious sentimental value of my ring I could not, in good conscious, allow you to get married without passing it to you, forcing Dad to get me a new one. Remember that when my ring is now yours, you must take very good care of it. I heard that you shouldn’t shower in rings, as it ruins them.

3) Current Stella- This morning while I was getting dressed and you were totally creepily staring at me while I was putting on a bra, you ask “Why do you wear that?” I explain that women wear bras to cover and hold their boobs in place. You then say, “but your shirt will cover them right?” I go on to further explain the need to hold them in place more securely than a shirt can provide. You then want to know when you will need a bra and if every girl wears one and do bras come in pink or purple?

My answer to Future Stella. Hopefully you ended up needing a bra in the sense that your boobs grew but not in the sense that you need one for lifting purposes. It’s too soon to tell what kind of boobs you will have. I seriously hope that you don’t get mine. One of mine is small and one is big and neither is great. To further answer your question, not every girl wears one but as a general rule, the ones that don’t wear one are usually the ones that really should wear one. There is a small percentage of women who don’t need to wear one and this is usually because a) they are fake, b) they are tiny or c) because they are less than 25 and have not had a child yet. Oh, and bras come in every color. The one you saw me in that day was a nude colored one that Daddy really really hates. He doesn’t understand why they even make them in that color and finds it repulsive. I want you to take general notice of the way I didn’t give a shit. Nude bras are practical and sometimes completely necessary. It just occurred to me that if I ended up keeping my original wedding ring then I most likely would have invested the funds in a boob job. Do they look good? I am getting excited writing this right now fantasizing about my new fake boobs I will have in the future.

Future Stella, I love you. Current Stella, quit creepin’ on me when I’m showering/changing and I will leave my shoes wherever I feel like it.



Why isn’t there a Disneyland in the snow?

Well, the jig is officially up. Some little twat at your preschool decided it would be a great idea to tell you that A) Disneyland is an actual place that you can go to and B) snow doesn’t just exist in the movie Frozen. This is really irritating to me because I have zero desire to ever see either one of those things ever again. You came home from school and you were so excited to educate me on this news, as if I didn’t know. I had to act surprised and not let on that I have actually been intentionally keeping this information from you. So Future Stella, let me explain WHY I lied to you about these two terrible destinations.

The last time I was there I ended up losing my virginity. Not at the park itself and not with a total random. I want to stop the image you are most likely forming (if your brain works anything like mine) before you start thinking I’m more exciting/cool/slutty than I really am. When I am prompted with the notion of losing one’s virginity at Disneyland I immediately picture Mickey Mouse making someone wet on the log ride. I did not lose my virginity to a Disney character. Another possibility that comes to mind is two strangers that were seated next to each other on Splash Mountain. They would aggressively explore their obvious chemistry and things would start to get hot and heavy about halfway through the ride making the other passengers around them quite uncomfortable. The date would commence with the purchase of the overpriced photo documenting the fornication to later be shown to their future offspring that may or may not be already forming in her uterus. I really could keep going with this last scenario but I feel it’s best to stay on topic. I lost my virginity to my longtime boyfriend, Andy, after a long day at Disneyland. We loved each other and used protection so this proves I’m an awesome role model. I just realized that the loss of my virginity at Disneyland has absolutely nothing to do with my lack of desire to ever return there. I just enjoy telling you things I know will make you squirm. The real reason is all the overweight people everywhere and the obnoxious adult Disneyland fanatics that really depress me in a way that I thought only finding out I was pregnant could do (just kidding. Sort of). Plus, I don’t know if you guys discuss hot topics at this preschool of yours, but there has been a recent outbreak of measles there. You are vaccinated for it, but it is a friendly reminder of how absolutely disgusting that place is and who knows what other germs or diseases are lurking on the many surfaces. Let’s just briefly return to my splash mountain hypothetical for a moment. Imagine you were the next person to sit on the seat where the gentleman had ejaculated all over. Next thing I know my 4 year old daughter is pregnant with a strangers baby and there isn’t even a reality show in existence that would exploit this kind of thing. I think I have made my point quite clear. However, since I’m dealing with current Stella and not Future Stella, I cannot tell you all of these very legit reasons for not going so I have no choice but to take you to Disneyland. We are scheduled to go next month for 3 days. Your welcome

It’s baffling to me that I even have to explain the lack of appeal snow has, but it seems I’m constantly in the minority on this, so I will do my best to persuade you. First of all, it’s cold. I realize that most of the sentences that come out of my mouth are almost always exaggerated. In this one instance I am being completely accurate and factual. Snow is literally freezing, actually freezing, like no more than 32 degrees Fahrenheit. The amount of layers that you have to wear to be comfortable does not mix well with the enormous amounts of alcohol one needs to consume to enjoy themselves in this environment. As you do not currently drink alcohol, I understand if this reference doesn’t resonate with you. However, if you would allow the following analogy. Remember that time I sent you to school in a halter romper when you were just learning how to potty train? I am praying you don’t actually remember this. Getting the halter untied was virtually impossible for a 3 year old to do on her own so you had no choice but to urinate all over yourself. That’s sort of how I feel when I’m in the snow and I have to pee. Then there is the issue of getting to and from the snow. When I hear people in San Francisco talk about going to Tahoe and getting there in 3 hours I immediately put it in the same category as Santa being able to deliver toys to every house in one night. It’s just not possible. Spoiler alert: there is no Santa. I am Santa. Your welcome. Getting to Tahoe feels like a giant pilgrimage and I don’t know if it’s the snow or the never ending voyage but I think about the Donner party every single time and I just don’t want to have to eat my child. That would be so tragic so by asking me to take you to the snow you are just asking to be eaten. Once again I am saved by global warming and it appears there is not enough snow this year to show you so tell your little preschool friends to suck it. Maybe next year. Maybe never.

On an entirely different note, we played the card game war this morning and you kicked the crap out of me. Not that it means anything- it’s basically a game of luck but I am hoping to capitalize on this luck and I am going to have you do all my Super Bowl picks this afternoon. If we win then I will totally put the money in your college fund.