Dear Future Stella,
Current Stella officially made it through her first week of Kindergarten without getting expelled which is more than I was hoping for. She still can’t read and that’s total bullshit. What the fuck is she doing there all day? Its really not that hard. She has learned more than one prayer though, so at least that will come in handy never. Seriously, Future Stella, can you even read this? Right now I have serious doubts about your success in life and your general IQ and I would be lying if I said I wasn’t incredibly disappointed. Just saying. On the bright side, I am really glad that she can’t read yet because your Dad and I have not quite hammered out what our code phrases are going to be so Current Stella can’t snoop on our text messages. I mean, obviously we are still going to want to hardcore sext and talk shit about all of her friends but we don’t really want her seeing. I know one thing, every time your Dad texts me “What did you buy from Amazon now?” that really means “lets enjoy some safe sex (so that we don’t make the mistake of having another kid) in a timely fashion (because Ray Donovan is on tonight) really quietly (because Current Stella still has a friend over). Now that you know that secret code I am sure a lot of things from your childhood make a lot more sense, unless of course you remember ever taking out the recycling and then you would see the evidence of my amazon.com shopping addiction.
Young kids always have code to stay out of trouble with their parents. In 2015 when a kid says they are going to “Netflix and Chill” it really means they are going to have wild sex while Orange is the New Black plays in the background. Naturally, your Dad and I wanted to try this, you know, to stay current. First of all, I had never even binge watched a show before and I was dying to try that too because the kids make it look really fun and addicting. Always down to combine tasks for efficiency purposes, I decided we should binge watch this show called Empire and chill. Binge watching a show is so much harder than it looks. One of us always falls asleep, and so then the next night we have to re-watch part of the last episode so that everyone is caught up to speed but then inevitably the other one falls asleep while the other one goes on to the next episode and then the next night the cycle starts all over again. It takes 4 days to watch 1 episode in its entirety and how these young kids can also fit in the chilling part is beyond me. There are so many plot twists so there is no way you can successfully chill while binging unless of course the show you are trying to binge watch is porn of some sort. Netflix and Chill is so unrealistic and takes a lot of practice. To ensure a positive outcome, we have decided to Chill first and then Netflix. This doesn’t really solve the sleeping part, in fact, it almost guarantees sleep within the first five minutes of the episode, but at least we are completing both components.
I really wish that Current Stella was a teenager already so that I could take every opportunity to tell her that your Dad and I were going to Netflix and Chill. Every time she would ask to have a friend over I would say, “Sure, we are just going to be Netflixing and Chilling. Mostly chilling” She would eventually have to stop asking me what my plans were, what I was doing, or what I wanted for my birthday because I would answer Netflix and Chill for all of those scenarios. Not once would I let on that I knew the street meaning so she would just think I was so incredibly lame. It would be amazing.
Today Current Stella had picture day. Not that exciting because she has to wear a uniform so I couldn’t dress her in something so insanely cute in 2015 that you would be absolutely horrified by in 2025 but I can make sure her hair is on fleek. Side note: I love using words/phrases that are super trendy but that don’t have lasting power so that you will be utterly confused when reading this, Future Stella. Anyway, with me being in the industry she definitely has an unfair advantage. I basically set up a blow-dry bar in our living room, slapped on some 60-dollar-a-bottle styling serum, and proceeded to glamify her. As long as she doesn’t make that horrible cheesy fake smile we should be good to go.
I really like the vest because if Im really tired or really buzzed and I close my eyes it almost feels like Gail the Puppy is on my lap and not actually Current Stella. Anyway, she wore this outfit and everyone was like, OMG, she’s so cute. Your dad and I were trying to mingle and meet people but we are both on the socially awkward side. Ok, thats not true, your Dad is way social. At some point your new teacher shows up and we are both thinking we should introduce ourselves. I was feeling a bit self conscious because everyone was sipping on Diet Coke and we were the only ones who brought champagne- I mean, hasn’t anyone here ever heard of Sunday Funday? Not wanting to be labeled “that family” I stayed clear of the teacher until I saw her reach into her cooler and pour herself a glass of white wine. Phew. We made our way over and began some pretty painful small talk. At some point she asked where Current Stella was. We look around because honestly I hadn’t seen her in quite some time. Your dad spots her on the top of a hill and points her out. Just then she takes all of her clothes off. All of them. Way to go kiddo, as if this whole thing wasn’t weird enough. She then reaches into her tiny purse that she brought from home and pulled out a super ugly sundress and put that on. It was a speechless moment for me. Your dad was so confused as to why she picked the top of a hill to use as a dressing room, and I was wondering what on God’s green (currently brown in California) earth possessed her to want to wear something so ugly? Who knows what the teacher was wondering but we didnt really talk to her after that. Here is a picture of what she decided to change into. In front of her whole school.
Thank God for the hat, or she could have easily landed on some fashion police children’s blog.
Tomorrow is your G-oma’s birthday. G-oma is my Oma (Grand-mere) and your Great-grandmother. She’s my mother’s Madre. Got it? She’s turning 76. Your Goma loves to garden, sell things, dance, and she has the most amazing Instagram account I have ever seen. She’s in ridiculously good shape, does more things in a day then I do in a month and adores you to pieces.
I asked Current Stella to tell me about her G-oma. She said she’s really kind to her and she likes everything about her. She said G-oma throws great sleepovers and she has the most beautifullest garden ever.
Here is Current Stella with Goma this past summer in Oregon wearing that fucking dress again.
Future Stella, I love you. Current Stella, you say elektrickity instead of electricity and every time you say it my whole inside of my body is filled with a hot burning steam-type substance that temporarily disrupts my blood flow and I can feel my heartbeat in my throat and all my thoughts stand still and I have this moment of realization that my entire life’s happiness is felt when hearing you say that word and if you were not in my life saying words all wonky than I would turn to cement inside.