Dear Future Stella,
A terrible scent woke me up this morning. I was convinced someone had snuck into my house and unloaded open containers of expired Chinese food, or maybe they had collected all those waste bins inside public restrooms (the metal ones inside the stall itself which are most used to dispose of old tampons and what not) and then put them in some sort of heating device and then promptly left the still steaming heap on my bedroom floor. It didn’t take long to realize the smell was myself, the spray tan specifically. Never again Stella. It’s just not worth it.
I decided to take Uber Carpool to the airport. It’s sort of strange to talk to Future Stella about our current technology because I know that you either won’t have any idea what I’m talking about, or you will make fun of me because said technology is incredibly dated by the time you read this. Anyway, in case you have no idea, Uber is a service where, with a few taps on your phone, a car arrives to take you to where ever you want to go. Current Stella calls it “Uba” and she quite likes it. They give you water bottles and gum and it usually smells nicer than the bus (can’t say today’s Uber smells particularly lovely, but that’s my spray tan’s fault, not Uber’s). The carpool is a feature where you can share the car with other strangers in exchange for a cheaper fare. Considering I was traveling alone and I had nothing but time, I chose this option. The gentleman I shared my ride with was a man by the name of Jeremy, I believe. He was headed to San Diego for a few days of golf. Within a few minutes of entering the car he rolled his window down. I so badly wanted to apologize for the scent emanating off of my body but I just couldn’t work that out. I’m incredibly socially awkward. I almost asked him for his cell phone number so I could at least text him an explanation. In writing I can be witty and coherent and come off as somewhat sane. In real time, though, the results are just too unpredictable and given the subject matter, my words had way too many opportunities to veer off in strange tangents. When in doubt, I usually go with awkward silence. That always works. We were about 10 minutes into the ride, the sound of wind rushing through his window was filling the empty silence just fine, so I decided to check my email. What do you know, my flight had been cancelled. Just perfect. I say “fuck” louder than I had intended to. Jeremy looks up and starts asking questions. I tell him my flight was cancelled and he says all the obvious stranger responses, “That sucks. Where were you headed?” I go on to tell him about Disneyland, clearly crushing his dreams when I mention you and your father. I then had to painfully ask him to roll up his window so that I could make a phone call to the airlines. He obliged but from then on his voice switched to very nasally, making it abundantly clear that he would no longer be inhaling through his nose. I so badly wanted to commiserate with him and say that just as hard as it is for him to be in the presence of my rancid air, it’s even harder for me to make a phone call, to a stranger none the less. I would say we were even. The airline made me wait a ridiculously long time just to tell me they couldn’t help me.
When I arrived at the San Francisco Airport I approached the kiosk to try and work this out. After weighing all my options, it appeared my best bet was to catch a flight out of Oakland. Awesome. I will save you details because it’s not that exciting, but I finally arrived in Oakland and now I’m sitting next to a middle aged man on the plane. He’s in a business suit with monogrammed cuff links rocking out to Lady Gaga. It’s just fascinating. I have so so many questions.
I had this brilliant idea to design you a t-shirt for our trip to Disneyland. After spending a long time on it and arriving at a design I was quite proud of, your dad (and every other person I showed it to) put the kabash on it. I still have no idea why. Anyway, here’s the shirt that I wanted to order you.
Now listen, first of all, you ARE vaccinated. Not sure if it still a debate amongst the moms of your generation, but it a huge hot topic for the families in 2015. In a nutshell, a whole gang of people have been getting the measles at Disneyland due to the high number of unvaccinated children currently roaming around. I will not pretend I am educated enough to join the debate, and I have done almost no research. I just know that you are vaccinated and totally fine, therefore able to go to Disneyland right now without the threat of Measles. I was hoping the shirt would scare people away from us, thus resulting in clearer paths and less crowds. Too bad I will never know if this would work.
Other hot topics Im curious to know if they still exist for you are 1) working moms vs. stay at home moms 2) breastfeeding 3) attachment parenting. Can't wait to have these discussions with you, as I find the evolution of such things absolutely riveting.
Future Stella, I love you. Current Stella, your dad just sent me a message saying you already were scared of the characters at the Disneyland Hotel and started to cry. What the fuck child?