Do You Still Have to Brush Your Teeth in 2025?

Dear Future Stella,

I am really not an observant person and Current Stella is like idiot savant status when it comes to noticing things so she makes my disability really obvious sometimes. I can’t tell you how many times I have walked up to a car that is the same color, make and model of the one we have and it will be Current Stella who figures it out way before me. I will be aggressively pulling on the door handle and Stella will say, “Mom, this isn’t our car because our car has a tiny red dot on the license plate.” Or Current Stella will point to someone across the restaurant (rude) and announce that they have the same phone cover as her friend’s babysitter. I wouldn’t even be able to pick out that friend in a line-up, let alone her babysitter and definitely not what phone case she had.

The other night Current Stella went to go brush her teeth before bed. She takes this job really seriously- she even brings one of those hourglass sand timers in the bathroom with her to make sure she brushes for the right amount of time. I am baffled by this considering I don’t even hound her to brush her teeth in the first place. The way I see it, they are all going to fall out anyway and then pretty new ones will replace them. Only then should you really take it seriously. Teeth are one of the few guaranteed second chances you have in life, why waste your precious sweet time (which is never guaranteed) doing something that really just sucks? So anyway, Stella comes out of the bathroom and announces that someone left their toothbrush at our house because there is an extra one in the cup. G-ta, Guncle and Peter just left my house after staying for a few days so I have no doubt that one of them left theirs. I told her thanks for letting me know and that I would give it back to them. Off to bed she went and later on when it was my turn to brush my teeth the reality of my severe disability came to head. Up until this point I would know which toothbrush was mine by reciting this little mental note, “Not the small one- that is Stella’s. Not the blue one- that is Casey’s.” My toothbrush is revealed by process of elimination and it works every single time. Well, now there were two left after I repeated my mantra and I had absolutely no idea which toothbrush was mine. Zero clue. I then remembered that your Dad and I always buy our toothbrushes in a two-pack so that we have the same one but in different colors. Great, so I just needed to find the one that looks like the blue one but in a different color. Fuck, neither one matched that description which means that somewhere along the road I had switched my toothbrush with someone else’s on vacation or something and am just realizing that now. So now I have two stranger’s toothbrushes to pick from, one of which has already been in my mouth for weeks now. I was so pissed at Current Stella for not noticing sooner that I had someone else’s toothbrush!! In the morning I would tell her to add that to the list of things to watch out for. Future Stella, I bet the list of things you have to deal with for me is soooo long by now. Thanks.

This past week we had so much fun with G-ta, Guncle and Peter. They visited us on their way back to Oregon after dropping Madeline off at college. Besides leaving a toothbrush at my house, we celebrated Peter’s birthday. He recently turned 21 so we got a babysitter and took him out to get shit-faced. The only problem was, he was super normal and didn’t do or say anything embarrassing and he was able to walk and stand the whole night and not once did he throw up or get in a fight. It was almost like he had done this before. I felt like I majorly failed everyone around me for robbing them of that viewing experience. Future Stella, hanging with this part of my family is one of my absolute favorite things to do ever. We laugh so hard and I really hope that you have continued these relationships. While Current Stella was trying to understand her babysitter (English was maybe her 8th language and if she was playing Duolingo she would still be on level 1) here is what we were doing.

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Peter’s sister, Madeline went off to LMU this past week to pursue an education in film and yesterday was her 19th birthday. She is going to be way famous one day, in fact, she’s probably already famous by now. Current Stella made a Happy Birthday video for her that we sent via text. She responded that she wasn’t feeling great so she couldn’t go to class. She said she was nauseous and her stomach was hurting. Considering we are just coming off of Labor Day weekend and she is a new college student, I narrowed it down to a hangover or early pregnancy symptoms. To determine which was plaguing her, I recommended she consume three Bloody Mary’s. If she was hungover she would get right back to tip top and if she was pregnant she would feel worse but at least she would know weeks earlier than those pee-on-stick-rip-offs. Unless of course, she was hungover and pregnant (which was my case with you) and then she’s just fucked. No, but seriously, she probably has the flu because she doesn’t drink which means she’s not having sex either. I don’t know though, for a girl who claims they don’t party and is more interested in just making films and being silly with her friends, I sure have a ton of photos of her “not drinking.”

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Madeline started paying attention to you around age one. Prior to that, she couldn’t be bothered. I think she hates babies or something. However, she sure made up for lost time once you turned one. We are always forcing her to babysit you and she doesn’t know this yet, but Im in the process of legalizing her as your guardian. She is making this “go to college and be level headed and responsible” thing look too easy. So if she’s not pregnant, she’s about to give birth to a five year old. You guys can take turns accomplishing things and I bet you guys would never mix up your toothbrushes.

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Future Stella, my computer is at the point that in order to upload a new photo onto it I have to delete one to make space. I have decided to slowly delete pictures of you from birth and most photos of you from before age three. Sorry, it was a somewhat hard decision but I need to make more space for Gail the Puppy and I just couldn’t part with some of the older photos I have stored on here. Photos like this one, where there is a man sitting on my couch in my living room who I have absolutely no idea who he is. Do you know this man? Can anyone out there identify him? I would have to believe we were acquaintances at the very least, I mean he is sitting next to my husband in my home and my Mom is there too. I clearly thought it was significant enough to photograph. This non-observant thing really blows, what if it is his toothbrush that I have been using all this time?

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Future Stella, I love you. Current Stella, I asked you to describe yourself. You said, “I’m cute, funny, sweet, nice and kind. Oh, and I have lots of mosquito bites.” At this current moment you pretty much described yourself to a T.

Love,

Mom

3 thoughts on “Do You Still Have to Brush Your Teeth in 2025?

  1. I was crying I was laughing so hard. I smiled with the not recognizing your car thing because when my daughter was about 8 and I was desperate to get into a car that wasn’t ours, she told me she felt like a staff member. Oops. The toothbrush thing was great and I never am sure which one is mine either….I do the “is it already wet” test. But what REALLY made me laugh out loud and my husband came to the room to see what was so funny was the not-being-able-to-pick-that-friend-out-in-a-line-up and the Duolingo part. Oh man…..this one was great.

    1. You are so so nice!!! I am so relieved that I am not the only one who can’t recognize her own car. I truly believe I have a diagnosable disorder of some kind. I do, however, recognize your name immediately and I smile every time I see it pop up in my notifications because it’s a nice reminder that someone actually reads my stuff and apparently enjoys it. Thank you very very much!!

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