Don’t Touch Anyone’s Juthers

Yesterday you had an evaluation at a kindergarten. We are currently going through the process of trying to get you in somewhere for next year. We have applied to 7 schools. If you are using a translator to read these letters because you have never learned how to read then you can blame yourself for blowing it at these evaluations back when you were 4. There are 3 components to getting in to a good school. The written application, the parent interview and the child’s evaluation. I am really hoping that they don’t actually read the written applications and they just sort of skim them while also scrolling their Facebook pages. I was in charge of this part and you know how I love to veer off on tangents and your kindergarten applications were no exception. You really can’t blame me. They cannot ask questions like “Tell me a little bit about your family” and expect me to stay on topic. The fact that I ended one application talking about dry shampoo and the importance it holds in my life is totally legitimate if you understood how the addition of this little product has completely changed the kind of mother and wife I am. Next is the interview and you will be happy to know that I mainly let your dad do the talking. My personality isn’t for everyone and can be a little bit offensive for people who are used to hanging around 5 year olds. Your dad, however, was probably put on this earth to socialize and small talk with strangers. It’s really bizarre. They all say the part that really matters is the student evaluation so I really hope you know what you are doing in there. I make sure you are wearing the cutest outfit known to man but that’s really all I can do to help. Good luck kiddo. On a somewhat serious note, I really hope Future Stella has loved the experience of being a student and the process of learning. I didn’t get to go to college and its a regret that I mainly keep to myself because of my defiance at the time to completely rebel against it. If I say I regret not going then it would be admitting I was wrong. I never say I’m wrong- not to my parents, not to my husband, not to anyone. I am way better at saying when other people are wrong. It’s just simply more fun. Despite how unserious I am about most subject matters, I’m genuinely serious about you getting into a great Elementary school. So no, I didn’t talk about dry shampoo in the applications. I spent an insane amount of time obsessively curating my answers to make us appear as the awesome family that I believe we are. I really really hope you get in somewhere because if you don’t, it wont be because of you. I have never been around anyone as amazing as you. In fact, I wish I would have gone to school to be a kindergarten teacher so that I could hang out with you all day next year. Calm down, I know I would never be allowed to be a kindergarten teacher, and let’s be honest, it sounds like an absolute terrible job. Just the worst.

Last night your dad and I went on a date to see the movie American Sniper. When we arrived there was nobody in the whole theater except for a solo guy off in the back corner. I couldn’t tell you anything about the movie because we were just making out the whole time. Just kidding. We were able to watch the movie because we relied on digital stimulation. Just kidding again. Seriously, we didn’t even hold hands because mine were too busy bulldozing popcorn into my mouth. I have a girl crush on Sienna Miller so I was excited to see it. I am really glad I didn’t know it was a war/gun violence movie because I don’t really like that sort of thing.

Before I forget, guess who’s hair I am doing today? Your friend Audrey’s mom, Kelly. I am so excited to hang out with her and make her blonder. If you are thinking, who the fuck is Audrey and Kelly then let me explain. They are our really good family friends and you go to school with Audrey but they are moving to the suburbs this summer. We say we are going to still hang out but I don’t really do bridges and suburbs so it’s not unlikely that we never see them again. I am hoping your reaction to seeing their names gives you a reaction more like “aw, Auntie Kelly! I love her and still loving going to her big house in the suburbs on weekends for barbecues….” Also, if you have not spoken to me in years and these letters are your first form of contact with me in eons, please move back from the suburbs. I am lonely and BART freaks me out and I don’t drive. I miss my daughter.

Future Stella, I love you! Current Stella, please get into a good school so we don’t have to move to the burbs.


Just had to share this really funny thing you said this morning while waiting for the bus. You said “look mom my hands are both in this pocket and they are touching their juthers”

I believe you meant each other? In the rare case that you actually meant their juthers and this is some nasty new slang you are picking up at school, please don’t ever touch anyone’s juthers. Ever.

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