Hopefully your future does not include….

Dear Future Stella,

I hope that you will never have to endure a conversation like the one I had at work today. I hope that we have evolved so much in 20 years that such talk will be considered ridiculous. I can only pray that mankind will make giant strides in the next two decades and put a stop to something that is unfortunately commonplace in 2015. 

I am living in a time where this cultural phenomenon is blasted in my face every day. Every other store seems to be an establishment that caters to this very sick, socially acceptable lifestyle. In fact, San Francisco seems to be a hot bed for breeding the very people who are running this movement. 

The movement Im talking about is juicing. Juicing is a religion in which one believes they must consume the extracts of various fruits and vegetables daily, sometimes multiple times a day, sometimes in replacement of food all together. Some believers in this religion prefer to make their own custom juices at their homes with very expensive juicing machines (you might be familiar with a blender, the juicing machine’s identical twin). Others like to purchase their potions at juice shops in adorable little bottles at a cost of 20 dollars a pop (so, like 100 bucks to you). Regardless of how these fanatics obtain their juice, one thing is for certain, they must also talk about their juice, a lot. 

Today at my work I had the pleasure of listening to 2 people debate the pros and cons of the two hottest juicers on the market while I was trying to eat my lunch. They were citing statistics, and percentages, chemical breakdowns and molecular gastronomy (I’m just throwing out terms that sound fancy but vaguely refer to food). 

I mean, fuck, I’m just trying to eat my gluten free kale detox salad over here, enough with the juice. Seriously, it isn’t that revolutionary- V8 has been on the market forever. Also, I’m not a hater. I like juice too, I like grape juice, fermented grape juice. 

All these food and diet fads never stick. When I was a kid “fat free” was all the rage. I would bring packages of gummy candy to my mom at the grocery store and be like, “look, it’s fat free!” My mom couldn’t argue with the label so into the cart it went! Skim milk was best and now whole milk is considered better. Vegetable oil used to be healthy because it was made from vegetables and now it’s poison and extra virgin or coconut oil is recommended. Low carb, paleo, vegan, gluten free, pescatarian, raw food, regurgitated baby food- whatever, nothing lasts. Please Future Stella, just eat anything you want. Just don’t eat a ton of anything. Don’t fall for this shit- it will just make you feel dumb when someone proves it wrong.

Don’t even get me started on all the different ways one can “workout” in 2015. It’s fucking stupid.

Future Stella, I love you. Current Stella, how many days in a row can you eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich? You don’t give a shit about gluten and that’s why I love you.



4 thoughts on “Hopefully your future does not include….

    1. You nailed it on the juicer. While you are discussing work-place topics, tell Stella to ignore the zealots who brag about taking hours to slug to work in ice and snow when she took a sick day and stayed home. These are the same folks who own the juicers.

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