I’m Finding it Hard to Be Present, Future Stella

Dear Future Stella,

I’m lying awake in bed on my last night of freedom before meeting you at Disneyland. It’s so quiet in our house and I wish I could just sleep. I did that thing where I just mindlessly flipped through the channels on the TV but I didn’t have the attention span to really focus on anything. I bet TV for your generation is amazing. With the exception of shows that need to be live (sports, SNL, and Watch What Happens Live on Bravo), I am guessing you can just watch whatever you want, whenever you want. Lucky. I came back to my room to read in the hopes that it would make me tired and I could get some serious sleep before my trip tomorrow. Unfortunately, my mind is being psychotic and scattered and manic. This is the main downside to being a creative, once you have been inspired or are in the midst of a project, there is almost nothing you can do to distract from it. I love to read. I know I would love our book club choice this month (All The Lights We Cannot See by Anthony Doerr) but it’s useless when all I can think about are these letters and you 20 years from now. I’m thinking about it all the time, to the point where I’m worried I’m going to not enjoy Current Stella because I’m so fixated on the Future version. This, I believe, is the problem with humans in general. Even though Oprah did her best to try and get us to live in the moment and be present, all we can do is focus on the next thing. We are all guilty of it and it takes so much discipline to appreciate what is happening live. So there is my great conundrum. How do I continue to pour out my thoughts to you while at the same time maintaining a semblance of the version of myself that is most familiar? The version that could watch anything on television and get sucked in, the version that could get lost in a book in the middle of a hurricane, the version that could literally stare at Current Stella’s fingernails for as long as it took to actually see them grow….sigh. This isn’t a question that can really be answered in a night. I will just move on to telling you about my day today and hopefully this feeds the monster and I can go to sleep.

I ate your Kraft Macaroni and Cheese for lunch today because I missed you and it reminded me of you. NOT. I was starving and it was all we had. It was delicious and not to be “cheesy” or anything but I think it’s special that I used to eat that as a kid and now you do. Literally nothing has changed about it and to me, that’s kind of cool. Even today a meal like that is totally frowned upon because of all the processed ingredients so I am sure by the time you read this it’s probably considered poison and you can no longer find it. I think I am going to buy a case of it and put it in storage for you. Due to all the preservatives I am sure it will last forever and this way you can share with your kids a meal that has been passed down through generations. There I go again assuming you are going to have children, and this time I assumed more than one. Clearly the universe is trying to tell me/you that kids are in the crystal ball.

After my delicious lunch, I walked to town to get a manicure. You actually requested that I have this done before Disneyland. You told me to paint them pink and guess what? I was clearly missing you so much because I picked out a color called princesses rule. To be totally honest, I didn’t know that was the name until after I had already committed to it, but sometimes fate works in weird ways. Speaking of nail polish, I have this crazy fantasy of having the job that names the different polishes. How cool would that be? I would be so good at it. I need to figure out what kind of education/experience one needs to apply for this position. Considering I’m already a colorist, and I understand the concept of naming things, I can’t imagine I wouldn’t be perfect for the job. Stay tuned…

Then I did something I never do. I got a spray tan. I know, I know, they are so gross and smelly and fake looking. I know. It’s just that I’m not used to being this pale and if I’m really going to the happiest place on earth tomorrow then I want to feel happy. And being pasty makes me very unhappy. I’m a California girl through and through. Ugh, I smell so disgusting right now. I feel like a rotting fish in a garbage can. Don’t worry though, because I was smart enough to wear one of your dad’s shirts so that I won’t stink up any of mine.

The last thing I did before getting mentally side tracked with these letters is I watched the movie, The Theory of Everything. It’s nominated for an Oscar this year for Best Picture. Before you came into my life I would watch every single movie that was nominated, including the obscure categories. I was super into it. However, since your birth I have seen maybe 1 or 2 nominated movies per year and most of these viewings happened after they had already won/lost their award. I typically watch them from the comfort of my own couch, sometimes taking up to 3 days to watch 1 movie in its entirety. This year I did a lot better. I think I have seen 4 of the best picture nominations. I actually really enjoyed the movie tonight. It’s a movie about Steven Hawking, who is this genius physics legend, who also has ALS. This disease slowly attacks your nervous system, eventually disabling everything but the brain itself. The part of the movie I found fascinating is that even though he couldn’t walk, talk, or feed himself, he was able to get his wife pregnant 3 times. If that doesn’t show the power of an erection I don’t know what will.

Future Stella, I love you. Current Stella, I can’t wait to see you tomorrow. I truly, genuinely, finally miss you a lot.

Love,

Mom

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