Im Running Away with Gail

Dear Future Stella,

Current Stella has been getting hives every morning for the past couple of weeks. The hives appear on one part of her body, stay for about 15 minutes, and then vanish. Its so bizarre. Google isn’t very helpful and her doctor’s appointment isn’t until next week. The only things that happen every morning without fail are:

*she eats a waffle with strawberry jelly
*she plays with the both dogs (Phyllis and Gail)
*she brushes her teeth

Every other thing that happens in the morning is completely variable, but the above mentioned 3 things happen no matter what. Our older dog, Phyllis, who we have had since before you were born, is most likely hypoallergenic. Current Stella has had waffles with strawberry jelly for breakfast for years and she has been brushing her teeth for even longer. The only logical suspect is our new puppy, Gail, who I’m ridiculously obsessed with.

With this knowledge, I think the only responsible decision is for me to run away with Gail. We are in love, we can’t get enough of each other and I think we belong on a beach, staring into each other’s eyes for the rest of eternity. We complete each other, and we have so much in common. She’s obviously making Current Stella break out in hives, which isn’t fair for anyone. It may sound harsh, but if I run away with Gail then Current Stella would at least have her dad and Phyllis. If we get rid of Gail then that poor dog won’t have anyone. Gail is basically perfect- everything I have ever wanted in a life partner and then some.

I really tried to do the right thing by explaining to Gail that we couldn’t keep her if we found out that our only child was allergic to her. Gail just gave me this face


So you get it, right? Nobody says no to that face. Only a total delusional person could look at that face and say, “Yup, we have to get rid of you.” Im really glad you understand.

I won’t buy our tickets to the Maldives just yet, I will wait for the doctor to confirm what I pretty much already know. That being said, I have been wrong before. When you were a newborn I was fairly certain something really sharp must have been lodged in your body somewhere, based on the frequency in which you felt the need to cry. Turns out, thats just what babies do. Then, there was the time I was convinced you were deaf- why else would you completely ignore my every “no”?

While we wait for the doctor to tell us what is happening with Current Stella, Gail and I are both going to do a juice cleanse for bikini reasons.

Future Stella, I love you. Current Stella, guess what? You actually got into our first choice Kindergarten!!!!! We found out today. Phew. I asked you if you knew what a uniform is (because the school that you will be going to makes you wear one) and you answered very confidently that you did. I asked you what it is and you said that its when you have a sharp horn coming out of your forehead. You clearly thought I said unicorn and so I think that maybe you believe that you will be a unicorn next year….

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