Lets Talk About Arms and Tater Tots

Dear Future Stella,

Today while laying on the couch with Current Stella she told me that she loves my arms so so much. She told me they are always so warm. I said thank you, and that I liked her arms too. This prompted Current Stella to tell me that she loves me so so so so much and that she will never love another person’s arms more than mine. I told her that I love her arms more than she loves my arms. We argued for a bit over who loved the other person’s arms more.

Barf. I mean it makes me so nauseous to be so mushy-gushy-lovey-dovey. This is an example of a conversation that is so out of character for me, and with anyone else would feel so creepy. I am not a verbally affectionate person and I have never expressed love for anyone’s arms, ever.

Right now Current Stella’s arms are still soft and squishy. Her little hands have marker all over them, as they often do these days, evidence of her obsession with coloring. Her fingernails have chipped blue polish on them. She has a healing scrape from an accident at school and, I believe, 3 freckles- but who’s counting? I don’t know when they will form into bony arms, or arms with muscle tone, or arms with hair. Maybe one day they will have tattoos on them, although I hope not. More than tattoos, I hope they never show signs of self hatred, abuse, or drug use. If her arms end up strong like her dad’s, I hope they never hurt anyone. If they are weak like mine, I hope they still accomplish great things.


I have never thought so much about anyone’s arms and, in a way, its easier to think of each part of Current Stella individually, because when I think about the love I feel for the whole package its truly overwhelming.

So, Future Stella, lets talk about your arms. Do you have any scars? I have 3. One is from a tater tot. I dropped it on my arm when it was fresh out of the oven and it actually left a scar. Im not going to lie, I super love having a permanent mark on my body that was caused by a tater tot. I love tater tots. I also have a scar from when I backed into a hot curling iron in beauty school. That one gets really dark when I get tan. My favorite scar is from a pencil that I accidentally stabbed myself with in 3rd grade. It looks like a tiny blue dot. I love telling people that its a tattoo of the earth from really far away. Your Dad, as Im sure you are aware, has a giant scar on his arm from a motorcycle accident. He also has a ton of freckles on his arms, which I think is adorable. His arms are also freakishly muscular, and his hands look just like his Dads. Weird, I guess I have obsessed over someone else’s arms!

I hope you have some really good scar stories for me. Scars are really good conversation starters so here is some dating advice. On a first date, scan his/her arms for scars and ask about how they got them. Even better, offer to guess how they got the scars. If you are witty and quick like me, this will either score major points or end things pretty quickly. Just grab their arm, examine the scar, maybe even run your finger over it and say something like, “You were 7. You found one of your mom’s tampons and you were playing around with it. Thinking the string was a wick of sorts, you lit it with matches you stole from your dad. You were waving it around and pretending it was a Dynamite stick when your little sister walked in and scared the shit out of you.” This should make them laugh, or create awkward silence. Either way, the real story about how the scar happened will never be as good. Fact. The man of my dreams would laugh, make an equally funny guess about one of my scars (which I would trump be saying its actually from a tater tot). Then we would spend the rest of the night talking about tampons and tater tots and we would live happily ever after.

Future Stella, I love you. Current Stella, I love your arms and every square inch of your tiny lady body except for the part of your brain that creates tantrums and meltdowns. Unless that part of the brain also is in charge of making your profess your endless love for my warm arms. I don’t really know how the brain works exactly so I might have to get back to you on that. Current Stella, I love your arms the most, but only because Gail The Puppy technically has paws, so I believe its a separate category.



6 thoughts on “Lets Talk About Arms and Tater Tots

    1. It wasn’t that cool. I believe some twerp in my class was trying to grab it from me but I held on with insane grip. He finally let go which sent the pencil straight down and into my other arm that was just minding its own business

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