Dear Future Stella,
I am one of those annoying people who love the holidays. I truly enjoy my family and spending time with them. I have not lost anyone that makes this time of year hard for some people and I really feel grateful for that. I love the decor, the music, the smells and most recently, eggnog. This year is going to be really fantastic because I am hosting our whole family here in San Francisco. 21 people. We have room for 6 comfortably so the remaining 15 are so fucked. I have lots of fun things planned that I will tell you more about next time.
Current Stella was exposed to every type of holiday cheer this year. My grandparents from Florida got Current Stella her first menorah, her Catholic school exposed her to the nativity scene and told her about the holy Virgin Mary, and I explained to her that a Virgin Mary is only acceptable when you are pregnant, otherwise the Vodka is pretty important.
Getting the Menorah was nostalgic because I remember celebrating as a child and I am really glad that Current Stella got to experience it. I am not jewish, and neither is Current Stella but your Grandpa and his whole family are and they are really special to me so I wanted Current Stella to get some exposure. I was roughly 8 the last time I lit a menorah so I had to take some help from Google to remember what to do with it. I read about how you light the candles from left to right and how you have to use a separate candle to light each of the candles and how they have to burn out on their own. I even looked up the daily prayers on Youtube so we could be completely legit. The only problem is I am constantly confusing my left and my right (in fact I failed my driver’s test the first time because of this) so the first few days we failed big time by lighting the candles in reverse order.
We finally did get the hang of it and we managed to finish all 8 nights without burning our hair or our house down so thats impressive.
Switching from Hanukkah to Christmas, we had plenty of fun in that department as well. We met my cousin Jon (ironically Jewish) downtown to watch all the lights in Union Square turn on and then we took the cable car home. This city is gorge during the holidays.
As if Judaism, Catholicism and Christianity weren’t enough religion for one week, your Dad decided to throw in a little Scientology by dressing up as Tom Cruise from Risky Business for my company’s Christmas party. The theme was 1988. I dressed as a Robert Palmer girl with some of my girlfriends. I had no damn clue who Robert Palmer was before this party because I was 5 in 1988. Hey, Current Stella is 5 now, so promise me Future Stella that if you ever go to a party that is 2015 theme you will dress as Caitlyn Jenner. Thats going to be a winner. Speaking of winner, your Dad won the costume contest that night. First of all, Risky Business came out in 1983, not 1988. Would it kill them to do some fact checking? Second, he doesn’t even work at my salon so shouldn’t he be ineligible? Third, the “judge” was a raging homosexual with a thing for your Dad. Im telling you kiddo, there is corruption everywhere you look and here is proof.
Here I was with my well thought out group costume that took weeks to plan
Here is your Dad, who dug all 3 components of his costume out of his closet the same day.
And here is your Dad campaigning for his victory
Seems fishy, no?
Future Stella, I love you. Current Stella, you created this bullshit discipline chart on our fridge a couple of weeks ago. You made this all by yourself, and it was inspired by the one your teachers use in the classroom. All of the kindergarteners begin each day with their clip on the green ribbon. If they misbehave they move to the yellow ribbon and if they mess up again, they move to the red ribbon and they have to visit the principle. No matter what ribbon you end up on at the end of the day you get to start fresh the next day on green. You pride yourself on the fact that you have never been off the green ribbon. Well, one day you made this chart on our fridge and you, Daddy, Phyllis, Gail the Puppy, and myself all have our own labeled clips. If any one of us does anything that you don’t like then you move our clips off the green. If I ask you to put your socks on, or say you can’t have fruit snacks for breakfast, you march over to my clip and immediately put me on the red. I never even get a chance on the yellow. Its so fucked up. If Gail or Phyllis barks you move their clips and, like your clip in the classroom, yours never leaves the green.
The other day I came home from work and noticed this on our fridge
Apparently, riding your ass all morning to get out of the house in time was enough to create a whole new category- the blue ribbon, and its even worse than the red. I have never left the blue ribbon. You just keep me there and I don’t even get a fresh start at the beginning of each day. If I move my own clip back to green you waste no time finding a reason to put me on blue. This is about as fair as Father Cruise winning a 1988 costume contest for a 5 year old movie. Santa is watching and he hates cheaters.