Oops, I Did it Again

Dear Future Stella,

I did that thing that I said I would never do again. The temptation was just too strong and it conquered me in a desperate moment of weakness.  It’s been almost a month since my last relapse. 

I got another spray tan.  I know. I can feel you judging me from the future. I’m confessing this to you because I know they have come up with a solution by the time you are reading this that has totally solved the need to be bronze without the very dangerous (and time consuming) act of actually being exposed to the sun. I hope this is one of the many times you read something about my life 20 years ago that makes you comprehend just how difficult and tragic life was for me way back when. 

I smell like an old tampon. Wait, don’t tell me they have improved the tampon situation too? Must be nice you little priveledged princess. I know I should be happy for you that so much progress has been made in areas that have felt so inhumane for too long. I should wish for these advances to happen in your lifetime, but I can’t find it in me right now. I want you to experience the rancid awful nightmare of looking liked a streaked Oompa Loompa. If you can’t experience this then I feel you will never quite understand me and my struggle. 

I look really tan and I’m so totally happy. It justifies the smell in every way. Today is my last day of work before we leave for Spring Break and I will never tire of hearing my clients tell me how tan I look all day long. It’s glorious and worth every awkward moment when the air from a neighboring blowdryer wafts the putrid aroma right into their face. 

Current Stella had Wacky Wednesday at her school. She said the wackiest thing she could think of would be to wear leggings. This was one of the most proud moments I have experienced so far in parenthood. If I teach her nothing else, I’m glad I have engrained in her the horror that is leggings on anyone over the age of two. Who am I kidding, I teach Current Stella useful things all the time. I have yet to meet another four year old who can identify five out of eight of the Kardashians. 

Here you were on Wacky Wednesday


It might have been Wacky Wednesday at school but it wasn’t a holiday recognized on public transportation so I chose to sit a few rows away from her.  She was looking like a hot mess reading a disturbing book about a princess that smells like fish. I knew what that little brat was insinuating by picking that book on the day, I too, smelled of tuna. Well played kiddo, well played. 

You let me make your hair look insane which was fun because you often freak out when I just want to brush it


Apparently your dad had a blast taking those rubber bands out for your swim lesson. 

Your G-ta, Guncle and your cousin Madeline came into town to hang with us for a few days before we head out for Easter break. I’m sure their visit will inspire lots of silly memories and stories to tell you.

I will keep you posted.

Future Stella, I love you. Current Stella, you told me this morning that your vagina felt soft like a blanket. I want you to hold on to that memory forever and ever. 



4 thoughts on “Oops, I Did it Again

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.