This is a Test. Future Stella, Can You Read This?


Dear Future Stella,

How are you doing kiddo? Having a good day? I bet you are not. I went ahead and checked this date (January 26th) in 2025 and it falls on a Sunday. Specifically, the last Sunday of the month of January. You know, the Sunday before the Super Bowl, which means no football. See, I knew it would suck. I am sure you are aware of my deep obsession with the Denver Broncos. In fact, if we win the Super Bowl this year then I am going to get a tattoo of Peyton Manning on your lower back so hopefully you are a fan too. If the Broncos were lucky enough to make it to the Super Bowl in 2025 (like they did in 2016) then that Sunday is going to be a very anxiety ridden day for me. Future Stella, this year the Broncos not only made it into the 50th Super Bowl but the game is being played here in San Francisco. I will probably be on my death bed and regretting not getting tickets to the game but they are thousands of dollars. I don’t even think I could sell Current Stella for enough money to get your Dad and I there and she’s probably the most valuable thing that I have, besides Gail the Puppy of course. Not that I checked the going rate for a toothless five-and-a-half-year-old girl with golden hair and unique eyes who can almost read. If for some reason I did end up selling you and you are reading this from your new life, don’t be mad, let this be inspiration to follow your dreams no matter the sacrifice. Also, it probably means you didn’t have to get that tattoo so thats nice. As I am typing this I am having a major epiphany. The chances of the Denver Broncos playing again in the Super Bowl here in San Francisco in my lifetime is zero. However, I could have another kid tomorrow if I wanted to so really, I would be foolish not to try and sell Current Stella. I have not looked into it much, but maybe I could pawn her and then one day buy her back? I could also yank her from private school and stick her in public just for one year and that would save me enough cash to not only buy 2 tickets to the big game but also parking and maybe even a hot dog. I am only teasing you, I couldn’t sell Current Stella, mainly because its illegal. Wouldn’t it be cool if the Denver Broncos were headed to the Super Bowl again in 2025? If they are I bet you have a bunch of bandwagon friends that all of a sudden are sporting vintage Manning jerseys. If anyone questions your authenticity you just show them these pictures.


Your first Broncos game.
Your first Broncos game.









We made it to the Super Bowl one other time in Current Stella's life.  We lost to the Seahawks.
We made it to the Super Bowl one other time in Current Stella’s life. We lost to the Seahawks.

I have been so stressed out about the Broncos that I gave myself shingles. Seriously, a doctor today told me I have shingles. I have a virus that old people usually get because their immune systems are not as strong and so any amount of unneeded stress will cause their childhood chicken pox virus that has been living dormant in their bodies to erupt into a nasty rash that is so goddamn painful that they start to look forward to their own deaths. Except I am not old and I don’t want to die. If it wasn’t the Broncos that stressed me out it had to have been hosting a family the size of a Major League Baseball team’s active roster for Christmas followed by some psycho super flu that slowly sucked the life out of me for the next two weeks. I was so behaved once 2016 came because I knew I had overdone it. I gave up coffee. I quit drinking wine (during the week) and I started giving myself relaxing facials twice a week. I drank a ton of water and slept for at least 8 hours a night. I started using hand cream religiously. Instead of losing 8 pounds and looking 10 years younger like I had anticipated, my body decided to give me shingles. As I type this I want to gnaw my left arm off because if something so much as a tissue touches the skin surrounding my armpit I might cry. Future Stella, you won’t have to worry about ever getting shingles because you were vaccinated for Chicken Pox. Lucky bitch.

Future Stella, I love you. Current Stella, you are learning how to read and every time you sound out words like “ka-ka-aa-aa-nnnn- can!” I almost forget that my arm feels like someone removed all the layers of my epidermis and all of my nerves are just sitting exposed, radiating shooting pain anytime so much as a breath touches them. Its so amazing to watch you figure it out. I don’t think you are like genius material or anything like that, but I do think you are going to be smarter than me (which isn’t saying much) and that’s really cool. I am so delighted that you are learning how to read. Reading is my medicine, my escape, and my number one source of independent enjoyment. This is the most excited I have ever been as a mother for you to acquire a new skill. Don’t get me wrong, walking was kind of magical, as was the first time you said “my little pink puss” in reference to your purse- but reading is heart swelling to the point of bursting material. The only thing that will ever top it is when you finally learn to wipe your ass. Anyway, I like to picture the two of us cozy on a couch, each with a book in our hands and a dog at our feet. You are maybe 15 and I am still 32 and I don’t have shingles. We are in one of those luxurious houses that don’t really have walls but flowy white material swaying softly in the breeze. We are not talking and we are both lost in what we are reading. Maybe there is a naked underwear model there serving us food and drink or perhaps a Native American woman named Eyota is sitting in the corner behind a giant loom making me a rug- the details are not that important. What is important is that we are both just devouring our books and we can pass the time just fine with no sounds or forced conversation. That would be such a perfect day.






Why isn’t there a Disneyland in the snow?

Well, the jig is officially up. Some little twat at your preschool decided it would be a great idea to tell you that A) Disneyland is an actual place that you can go to and B) snow doesn’t just exist in the movie Frozen. This is really irritating to me because I have zero desire to ever see either one of those things ever again. You came home from school and you were so excited to educate me on this news, as if I didn’t know. I had to act surprised and not let on that I have actually been intentionally keeping this information from you. So Future Stella, let me explain WHY I lied to you about these two terrible destinations.

The last time I was there I ended up losing my virginity. Not at the park itself and not with a total random. I want to stop the image you are most likely forming (if your brain works anything like mine) before you start thinking I’m more exciting/cool/slutty than I really am. When I am prompted with the notion of losing one’s virginity at Disneyland I immediately picture Mickey Mouse making someone wet on the log ride. I did not lose my virginity to a Disney character. Another possibility that comes to mind is two strangers that were seated next to each other on Splash Mountain. They would aggressively explore their obvious chemistry and things would start to get hot and heavy about halfway through the ride making the other passengers around them quite uncomfortable. The date would commence with the purchase of the overpriced photo documenting the fornication to later be shown to their future offspring that may or may not be already forming in her uterus. I really could keep going with this last scenario but I feel it’s best to stay on topic. I lost my virginity to my longtime boyfriend, Andy, after a long day at Disneyland. We loved each other and used protection so this proves I’m an awesome role model. I just realized that the loss of my virginity at Disneyland has absolutely nothing to do with my lack of desire to ever return there. I just enjoy telling you things I know will make you squirm. The real reason is all the overweight people everywhere and the obnoxious adult Disneyland fanatics that really depress me in a way that I thought only finding out I was pregnant could do (just kidding. Sort of). Plus, I don’t know if you guys discuss hot topics at this preschool of yours, but there has been a recent outbreak of measles there. You are vaccinated for it, but it is a friendly reminder of how absolutely disgusting that place is and who knows what other germs or diseases are lurking on the many surfaces. Let’s just briefly return to my splash mountain hypothetical for a moment. Imagine you were the next person to sit on the seat where the gentleman had ejaculated all over. Next thing I know my 4 year old daughter is pregnant with a strangers baby and there isn’t even a reality show in existence that would exploit this kind of thing. I think I have made my point quite clear. However, since I’m dealing with current Stella and not Future Stella, I cannot tell you all of these very legit reasons for not going so I have no choice but to take you to Disneyland. We are scheduled to go next month for 3 days. Your welcome

It’s baffling to me that I even have to explain the lack of appeal snow has, but it seems I’m constantly in the minority on this, so I will do my best to persuade you. First of all, it’s cold. I realize that most of the sentences that come out of my mouth are almost always exaggerated. In this one instance I am being completely accurate and factual. Snow is literally freezing, actually freezing, like no more than 32 degrees Fahrenheit. The amount of layers that you have to wear to be comfortable does not mix well with the enormous amounts of alcohol one needs to consume to enjoy themselves in this environment. As you do not currently drink alcohol, I understand if this reference doesn’t resonate with you. However, if you would allow the following analogy. Remember that time I sent you to school in a halter romper when you were just learning how to potty train? I am praying you don’t actually remember this. Getting the halter untied was virtually impossible for a 3 year old to do on her own so you had no choice but to urinate all over yourself. That’s sort of how I feel when I’m in the snow and I have to pee. Then there is the issue of getting to and from the snow. When I hear people in San Francisco talk about going to Tahoe and getting there in 3 hours I immediately put it in the same category as Santa being able to deliver toys to every house in one night. It’s just not possible. Spoiler alert: there is no Santa. I am Santa. Your welcome. Getting to Tahoe feels like a giant pilgrimage and I don’t know if it’s the snow or the never ending voyage but I think about the Donner party every single time and I just don’t want to have to eat my child. That would be so tragic so by asking me to take you to the snow you are just asking to be eaten. Once again I am saved by global warming and it appears there is not enough snow this year to show you so tell your little preschool friends to suck it. Maybe next year. Maybe never.

On an entirely different note, we played the card game war this morning and you kicked the crap out of me. Not that it means anything- it’s basically a game of luck but I am hoping to capitalize on this luck and I am going to have you do all my Super Bowl picks this afternoon. If we win then I will totally put the money in your college fund.