Don’t Worry Future Stella, I Would Never Share Details of My Sex Life

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Dear Future Stella,

I had to take two weeks off from writing you letters. I felt like I needed at least 14 days of space after Valentine’s Day to avoid giving you too many graphic details regarding your dad and mine’s very ferocious sex life. I would not have been able to contain myself if I had allowed myself to sit down and write you a letter that next week. It would have been impossible to avoid sharing what I wore (or more accurately what I didn’t wear) and I would have felt compelled to share photos and/or video footage. In the euphoric phase that follows Valentines Day my letter to you would have certainly included my deepest, and most erotic feelings I have for your father.

However, as the laundry started piling up and dishes began to multiply I started to return to reality. When the number of times your dad farted under the covers began to accumulate faster than my 401K, those sensual moments dissolved into a blury, faded memory. I could return to my usual letter writing tone, which is bitching extensively about Current Stella. So here we are.

Needless to say, a lot has happened in the past couple of weeks. Thank God, for your sake, because otherwise I would have most definitely described the many positions I was in on Valentine’s Day. But I won’t. Unless, you want to know about that? If I have completely misjudged your feelings towards my incredibly bold and daring sex life, then just call me and I am sure I can catch you up to speed.

In the meantime, I will just briefly touch on some main points that happened recently. First, there was our naughty Valentine’s Day weekend (we actually were visiting your G-ma and Grandpa for the holiday). I was able to photoshop a couple of shots from that weekend to make them a little bit more PG for you.

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Your G-ma went full on love crazy and filled the day with hearts and red and mushy gushy romance. You should call her and thank her for this because if she wasn’t there to make us heart shaped pancakes, it would have been Current Stella bringing your Dad and I breakfast in bed and about 9 solid hours of entertaining herself.

We spent the rest of the lovely weekend doing some of Current Stella’s favorite things, like dining at nice restaurants and wine tasting. When you become a parent Future Stella, its important that you always engage in activities that your kids want to do. I had to kiss my days of spending countless hours at the park and in toy stores goodbye and trade them in for things Current Stella likes to do, which usually means entering establishments that have liquor licenses. She’s such a strange kid.

Other highlights from the past couple of weeks include two illnesses for Current Stella, one resulting in an extra early visit to the doctor after getting absolutely no sleep that night. Your Dad and I are used to getting no sleep (because of our hearty sexual appetites) but it’s incredibly rare for Current Stella to pull an all nighter. She has always slept through teething, fevers, even the stomach flu- so we knew she was sick. And she was, really, really sick. She’s such a pain in the ass when she doesn’t feel good. She wants to be alone (which is downright bizarre) and her whining intensifies to irrational proportions. The other really lame thing she does is get super high maintenance and demanding regarding the flavor of her medicine. She likes grape and only certain kinds of grape. Give her cherry and she will make herself throw up. This is incredibly frustrating when medicines like oh, and inhaler, don’t come with flavors. She would seriously rather stop breathing than allow non-grape meds to enter her system. Future Stella, are you still a stoic-yet-pain-in-the-ass sick person? I bet you are.

Your dad and I attended the annual auction for Current Stella’s school this past weekend. We bid on an array of sex toys and some sensual oils but we were outbid so we ended up coming home with tickets to various activities with some of our favorite parents we have met so far. It was one of those nights where we were having so much fun and drinking too much wine that we only took 1 photo. Oopsie.

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Current Stella had a playdate this week with a boy from her class who she fully crushes on (hard). If you asked Current Stella how it went then she would have said it was heavy on the date, but if you asked the young boy he would have said it skewed more in the play direction. Current Stella has a lot to learn in the male department if she ever wants to have such an active bedroom like her parents do. First of all, she kept trying to grab his hand on the walk from their school to our lunch spot. He would swiftly move it away and instead of making her feel weird, he would just pretend that he needed to make a fake gun and fire it at birds. Such a gentleman. Current Stella laughed and played along with his kinder swagger. Then, Current Stella started to copy everything he was coloring on the kid’s menu. She also blurted out that she knew how to spell his name and knew where he lived. Now, when you only know how to spell about six words total, this can come off as a bit stalkerish. He didn’t seem to notice that Current Stella was even talking so I think she actually was able to brush this one under the rug. The biggest mistake of all happened when the food came. Current Stella decided that was a good time to inform this sweet kid that she still needs help washing her privates when she takes a bath. Talk about a giant red flag/game over move- yikes! I started to sweat wondering if he was just going to beg to go home and never call again. No normal human would ever want to continue a date if you mention this at all, let alone over a meal. He gracefully switched the subject to Star Wars and asked Current Stella is she likes Storm Troopers. This guy is either going to be a politician or a damn good salesman. He made the most impossibly tragic conversation turn normal before you could even blink. He’s a pro and totally out of her league. Then, as if to prove he’s not totally in the friend zone he started to quote a Drake song. “You use to call me on my cell phone. Have you heard that song Stella?” Stella saved the date by answering in song, finishing the line, “when you need my (insert word that made no sense)” He bought it though, and was quite impressed that Current Stella was picking up what he was putting down. I actually felt uncomfortable and intrusive, like I should leave them alone. Then I remembered that privacy is over-rated and I vowed to never, ever, leave Current Stella alone with a guy. As long as Star Wars is a thing, or as sure that the sun will rise, I will be just like I was on this day- the 3rd wheel. Something tells me that every date you ever go on will have 4 wheels actually, your Dad will want to join in. 20 bucks says we will makeout first. Calm down- in 2025, thats like, what, a dollar?

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Future Stella, I love you. Current Stella, today while taking our dogs for a walk you pondered out loud, “I wonder what I will look like when Im way-” pause “-like your age?” I actually think about this all the time. Sometimes when I look at you, I swear, its like I can see the adult that you will become. I wonder if your skin will stay so creamy looking, or if your eyelashes could possibly get any longer. I fantasize about your cowlick disappearing although, as a professional, I know that will never happen so even if the details are blurry when dreaming about your future physique, I always picture a strong side part. More than what your hair or skin will look like, I wonder if other parts of you will stand the test of time. Your fierce independence that allows you to weather any sickness without any coddling or non-grape medicinal intervention which juxtaposes quite impressively with the heart-on-your-sleeve, no-game-playing, genuine-affection giving attitude you have on dates. Just like sex with your father, you continually get better and better.

Love,

Mom

Advice on Valentine’s Day

Dear Future Stella,

Today is Valentine’s Day and you were pretty excited about it. It’s not surprising, what with the pink and the hearts and the candy- it’s a little girl’s dream! You made valentines for your classmates. Correction, some factory somewhere made the valentines, you just scribbled your name on them. You wore an explosion of all things girly that just exuded love and happiness. Your father and I were out of our comfort zone as V-Day isn’t really something we typically go nuts over but you were so into it that we had no choice but to play along.

I can pretty much know if I will be good friends with someone based on how they feel about Valentines Day. I’m passing on this wisdom so that when you are interviewing for potential friends you can add this to the many questions you should be asking. People who hate Valentines Day due to it being a Hallmark holiday are red flags. Nobody should care enough about this day to start spewing out conspiracy theories. Give them a pass if they just had their heart broken though, broken hearts definitely lead to conspiracy theories. End the friend interview right away if they say shit like “Everyday should be Valentine’s Day.” Before you write them off, ask them to clarify because if you have been dating less than a year then I think everyday should be Valentine’s Day. However, if it’s been longer than a year then this is absolute horse shit. Every day is NOT Valentine’s Day. Some days you should want to kill your valentine. Some days you will want to ignore your valentine. Most days you won’t appreciate your valentine. Occasionally your valentine and you will have days that are so horrific that celebrating each other will be so low on the priority list that you might forget to say I love you. Every single day though, you should want no other valentine. In general, Valentine’s Day should be viewed as a harmless holiday that children and new lovers obsess over and everyone else should just sort of go with it. Meaning, if you are alone or married for 20 years, this day shouldn’t define you or your relationship. I do think it’s a little bizarre when people in relationships choose to totally neglect it. No judgement, but why not acknowledge your special person, even if it’s just verbal on V-Day? It seems one would have to try really hard to avoid saying or doing something nice to their partner on Feb. 14th. Just saying…

Here’s how your father and I celebrated today. I worked all day and your dad cleaned the whole house and had to deal with you, which, lets be honest, is less than romantic. We drank champagne and together we made a family dinner of chicken with maple glazed carrots and mashed potatoes that you attempted to help with. We exchanged humorous cards and your dad got me roses (he said it was your idea- thanks!). We ended the meal with cupcakes. We put you to bed and then cranked up the R&B music. We made love in every single room of the house, even yours. You were such a sound sleeper. Relax, we didn’t go in your room. We did use your play kitchen as a prop of sorts. Lol, kidding, but now would be a good time to watch that video we made you….In all seriousness, your dad is my long time Valentine and he makes me stupidly happy. He’s a great man and a fantastic father. You and I, we are lucky that we have him in our lives. He puts up with so much of our shit and has the ability to make us laugh so hard. He’s also crazy nice and supportive and would do just about anything for us, sexually speaking on my part, and for you he will play any Barbie game that you ask him to.

Do you have a Valentine? Do I know him? OMG, who is he? Wait, are you married? These are the things I think about when thinking of you in 20 years. The suspense is killing me but the current moment is so overwhelmingly sweet that I don’t want to rush it. I will just have to wait and see.

Future Stella, I love you. Current Stella, will you be my valentine?

Love,

Mom

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