That Time Your Dad Basically Called You a Whore

Dear Future Stella,

I just want to take a minute to tell you how above and beyond amazing your Dad is. I will most likely go into more detail at many points during this journey of blogging to you, but I just want to share something that makes me heart him so much. For the record, you won’t see me say anything bad about him anywhere in these letters because he’s your Dad, and in that realm anyway, he’s as close as perfect as they come. I say this because other people are reading these and I don’t want to falsely imply that we don’t have our own issues, but those are not for your eyes, or anybody’s really.

Your dad has always made me laugh harder than anyone has ever been able to do. He’s such a different kind of funny than I am. His humor doesn’t seek attention- its under the radar, and it never fails to deliver. If he wants me to discover something funny that he has done he has the patience to wait it out until I discover it organically and authentically. He doesn’t talk a lot, but when he does, I am in stitches.

Your Dad is in the process of redoing your bedroom. Yes, your dad, not me. He also mostly designed and executed your nursery but we didn’t know you were going to be a girl. We, ahem- he, decided to do a Dr. Seuss/Cat in the Hat themed room. He liked it because it was gender neutral and he discovered appropriate matching bedding was available at Pottery Barn Kids. I liked it because my dad, your Grandpa, would read me that book so much when I was a kid. He spent an adorable amount of time making sure that room was magazine worthy despite our teeny tiny budget. Here is what your room has basically looked like since you were born. Obviously we have since turned the crib into a toddler bed and you have added a gazillion amount of obnoxious princess paraphernalia, but you get the point.

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Your dad has been working overtime trying to transform your gender neutral baby room into a Super Stella Dream room. The transformation is still under way, and I will show you when its complete, but that’s NOT what this post is about. This post is about your Dad’s humor and why I think I scored big time in the Partner For Life Department.

The first task that he needed to do is repaint your room. Currently its this weird off-white bordering on peach color. On one wall there are horizontal red stripes and on another wall there is a decal of a Dr. Seuss quote. He needed to scrape the decals off before he could paint the new color on the wall.

The evening after he started this tedious task, I came home to this

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What other dad thinks its totally normal to re-arrange the letters of a motivational children’s quote into the word SLUT on his 4 year old’s wall? What other mom walks into said 4 year old’s room and isn’t totally horrified but instead can’t stop laughing? Never mind that the babysitter had been there all day, most likely without an explanation from my husband. Its the funniest shit ever because its so totally wrong in so many ways. Be offended all you want, your Dad has never used that word in a derogatory context, nor would he ever. Trust me, Current Stella has been oblivious to this word on her wall. He stopped short of completing his chore of removing the decal just so I would walk in your room and laugh my ass off. That’s love.

His little unexpected bombs of humor is what keeps me going. He was totally satisfied with just me discovering this genius prank; he didn’t feel the need to post it on social media or mass text it to his friends. He was even a little annoyed that I wanted to take a picture of it (wait until he sees that I chose to blog about it). That makes your Dad such a cooler kind of funny than me. I wonder what kind of funny you will be?

Future Stella, I love you. Current Stella, tonight I overheard you trying to explain to your babysitter that you had pretzels in your tummy except you were saying “pencils” instead of pretzels. I knew what you were trying to say but she didn’t. She kept asking you why you would eat pencils. You would get mad and say “No, not pencils- pen-cils.” I could have rescued you and translated but it was way more entertaining to hear you say things like “No, Pencils. They are long and skinny.” (You were referring to pretzel sticks). The babysitter would say, “I know, pencils, but when did you eat one?” This went on for quite sometime. Hey, you are not going to learn how to enunciate if I swoop in and save the day. Immersion is the fastest way to fluency.

Love,

Mom

11 thoughts on “That Time Your Dad Basically Called You a Whore

  1. If I walked into my daughters room I would bust a gut and text everyone!! I would definitely find that hilarious. I’m sure a lot of people will be appalled or at least want to be…but seriously, crafting good humour isn’t a homework assignment, you either have it or you don’t.
    My ‘Einstein’ has the most not funny sense of humour I have ever experienced. He however puts ‘Flyp’ the teenager in stitches. (Stage names of course). I have never rolled my eyes so much, but I love that he can keep a 15 year old teenager laughing constantly.
    Einstein and I have very few bust a gut laughs together as we are on complete opposite of the spectrum when it comes to humour, but when we do, we totally indulge and let it last much longer than it should …
    I really enjoy reading your stuff, you write so well.

    Cheers,

    Sandy

    1. It’s refreshing to hear stories about laughing with a teenager, even if the moments are few and far between! I hope I will have those moments with Stella! Currently she is so conservative and serious so I’m praying the sense of humor is on its way! Thanks for the kind words! I love the stage names!

      1. Both my kids laugh and talk a lot. I think me being an introvert gave them too much air time haha!!
        I notice Flyp has a different relationship with me than his Dad. His Dad is jokester ‘friend’ like, which has its issues and I’m the one with boundaries, support and who he comes to when he needs or wants to talk.
        I’m sure current Stella will love these stories when she is old enough to read them…I know I do :)

    1. No! I discovered it after she left so I didn’t get a chance to explain and at least blame it on my husband. It’s still on the wall and it’s been a couple of days. I’m sure the babysitter witnesses things on the daily in this house that makes her question if this is a safe environment for her!

  2. Hahahahaha this is the best! I’m so glad there are people out there who don’t get offended by the things I find hilarious, and also find them hilarious.

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