To Belieb or Not to Belieb- I Dont Care Either Way

Dear Future Stella,

I was in an Über on my way home tonight and the city looked so ridiculous (in a good way. Im not sure how your generation will use that word). It looked like there were little lego houses on hills. The bay was perfectly calm and the sunset was this magical salmon color. A few boats were peppered on the horizon and every single house looked like a storybook. There was no breeze and the air was the perfect temperature. I will never get used to this city and its beauty. I feel so lucky to live here and even more delighted that I get to raise Current Stella here. I hope at some point you were able to notice this luxury and really, truly absorb it. Its amaze-balls (another trendy slang word that I hope makes you cringe right now).

For pure entertainment value, I would like to note that as I write this, Justin Bieber is getting roasted on Comedy Central. I am dying to know what someone of your generation thinks about him. Lets please meet soon and just strictly talk Justin Bieber. Its going to be so much fun. I hope I can even remember who he is in 20 years. If I need help, just give me these clues. Say, “Baby, Baby, Baby- ooh.”

Actually, just show me this video and it should jog my memory. Side note- your Dad thought it was “Jot my memory.” I like to point out moments when I appear smarter than him. I don’t know about you, but my memory doesn’t seem to jog or jot. Wait, before you watch this please make sure your sound is turned up- otherwise its totally pointless.

Oh thats right, now I recall, you are a longtime Belieber. I really tried my best to blur your lady parts but I am not a computer person and it was getting late.

Your Dad has almost finished redecorating Current Stella’s room. Eight trips to IKEA and several bottles of wine later, its making progress. Not enough to photograph, but its coming along. I can’t wait for her to see it.

Future Stella, I love you. Current Stella, you had a moment with your Dad today that was so sweet and so inspiring for me to see as a parent. You were acting like a lunatic and screaming and your Dad both disciplined and loved you all in the same action. I hope that in your moments of emotional frustrations your Dad will continue to support and ground you. It was pretty cool.



Reason #304 Why You Don’t Have a Sibling and Reason #1 Why I Don’t Drive

Dear Future Stella,

I am a terrible driver. I moved to San Francisco for many reasons, but the fact that you don’t have to drive if you don’t want to was high on the list. I drive maybe once a month. I have only had to drive longer than 20 minutes with Current Stella once and this video proves why I will never do that, or procreate, again.

If for some reason whatever modern technology you are viewing this blog post on doesn’t allow you to watch 20 year old video clips, allow me to narrate what is happening in this 3 minute video. First; some back story. At some point when I was driving alone with you on the freeway you took one of your shoes off and it dropped on the ground. You wanted me to get your shoe for you. I explained that I was on the freeway and couldn’t reach it because I needed to focus on not crashing. Its not an exaggeration when I say that driving legitimately terrifies me. I have this very strange fear of getting side swiped by a semi-truck. You didn’t like my answer and proceeded to say “Mommy now” on repeat for the next hour. I only captured 3 minutes of it, in which you say “Mommy now” 111 times. I mean, its amazing I didn’t just drive the car right off the road. I am impressed I was able to figure out how to record you while driving on the freeway and not crashing. I am downright shocked I didn’t sell you as soon as we got to our destination.

Future Stella, I love you. Current Stella, if your ability to drive is somehow related to your ability to drive me fucking insane, then Im guessing you are going to be excellent behind the wheel.

Stella’s Signature Move

Dear Future Stella,

Current Stella is sick again. I am having a hard time understanding how this is even possible. Maybe she licks the seats of the bus when Im not paying attention? Last night she just tossed and turned and whined and coughed….all night long. At some point I couldn’t handle all the restless sounds and grunts so I went in her room and picked her up and made her come in our bed. I am not sure what rationale I was using at 2am to convince myself that this would solve the problem, but it doesn’t take a Harvard graduate to guess that all that did was bring the noise closer to me, or more accurately, on top of me. Sleeping next to Current Stella reminds me why I will never, ever, get pregnant again. Your night time interpretive dance moves are a not-so-friendly reminder of what you did to pass the time inside my body. You were such an active little fetus. Check out this video of you in my uterus…


Based on how you behaved in my stomach, I thought for sure you were going to be a little hyperactive bitch bag with a fetish for punching me in my vital organs. Turns out, Current Stella is super mellow and gentle when she’s awake but she turns into an actual spasm once asleep. Last night, was absolutely no exception. I would estimate that she moved at least one limb every nanosecond. Thankfully, she came to the conclusion that we were all in her way (by “we” I mean your dad, both dogs, and myself) and asked if she could return to her own bed. She lasted approximately 15 minutes, but it felt like an entire pregnancy to me and I couldn’t have been more thrilled with the suggestion for her to get the fuck off of me. I was having legitimate horrific flashbacks.

There was a moment though, when she did her signature move, that filled me with amazement, as it always does, every single time I have felt it. When Current Stella is trying to fall asleep, she kneads her feet into whatever surface is available to her in a way that resembles a foot flexing and pointing under water. Its incredibly rhythmic and deliberate. The first time she did it to me (when she was merely a few hours old) I remember freaking out because it was a feeling I was already so familiar with. Fetus Stella did this same movement in my stomach and the cadence of the action is so distinct that I would recognize it anywhere. It was a cool revelation because nobody but me could have known this little detail about you. I felt connected to you and I remember wondering if all of your little quirks and idiosyncrasies would always be familiar to me. Anyway, I don’t get the opportunity to sleep next to Current Stella very often, so this unexpected treat was just what I needed last night. If she had not played lullaby footsie with my abdomen, I would have for sure considered dragging a sleeping bag onto our back lawn to see if the raccoons could sleep with all the racket she was making.

I obviously kept her home from school today and she stayed in bed from 9:30am to 5pm. I swear on Gail’s life that I am not exaggerating. It was insane. The few times I checked on her she was sound asleep. I couldn’t help but be irritated by how still she was sleeping (calm down, I checked for breath before allowing myself to be annoyed). She woke up, ate some food, and went right back to bed. I wish I would have known she was going to marathon sleep all day. I kept thinking she was going to wake up any second so I naturally didn’t do anything productive, the fear being that once I started something she would wake up immediately and be super high maintenance.

Future Stella, I love you. Current Stella, in one of the brief moments that you were awake, you stroked a bag of candy like a cat and told me that you wished you felt better so that you could eat some.