Dear Future Stella,
Today is Mother’s Day and I hope that means that your Dad has coached Current Stella on how to properly shower me with gifts and adoration. It’s only 6am still so it’s too soon to tell.
My own Mommy, your G-Ma, is visiting this weekend to celebrate. We went to the most fabulous 4 hour, 5 course dinner last night at this place called Nico. Current Stella came too but didn’t eat anything (obviously) and I’m still in shock that she was so behaved. I mean, I can barely sit still for 4 hours, much less do it without causing some sort of scene so I was VERY impressed.
We have a fun day of brunch (more behaved sitting by Current Stella I’m praying) followed by the Giants game. The weather today is shi-tay so I’m hoping it doesn’t suck. You will know if it’s really awesome or really terrible because I will most likely elaborate in a blog post in either circumstance.
Awhile back while stumped on what to get my mom for Mother’s Day, I stupidly asked my coworkers in the breakroom at the salon I work at for suggestions on what I should buy her. I say stupidly because the breakroom at my salon is notorious for being the most inapropriate place on this earth so I should have known what I was getting myself into. It’s a breeding ground for sexual harassment, foul language, sarcasm, racism and all other isms that are generally frowned upon. We work at a high end salon where our language needs to be heavily sensored when we are with our clients and so the moment we get back into the privacy of our tiny breakroom we all feel the need to spew profanities of all kinds. We are hardly ever serious and everyone gets along so it’s really harmless, but incredibly offensive to most of the population. It’s so rancid that one of my favorites pastimes is just writing down verbatim of what is said back there. It’s disturbing and wonderful all at once.
So, when I asked for gift advice this is what my lovely co-workers suggested
*A Birkin bag. These bags cost anywhere from 10K to 60K so the fact that this was most likely the only serious suggestion was worrisome.
*fake a pregnancy. Then tell her the next day that you miscarried. It would be hilarious. This idea came with multiple options on how to fake the miscarriage ranging from emotional (fake crying) to graphic (fake menstral matter).
*Jade eggs. I actually pictured some sort of beautiful stone eggs that possibly represent the life that a mother gives a child. Um, wrong. They are vaginal exercise beads. Here’s a quote from their website, “Practice with the Jade Eggs in a thorough exercise program will increase elasticity and blood flow to the vaginal muscles, awakening sexual sensitivity not only in your vagina but also in surrounding genital areas. This will lead you to heightened awareness of clitoral-vaginal sensations and may lead you to experiencing multiple vaginal orgasms even for the first time, at any age!”
*Ben Wa Balls. I said that it sounds like a similar catergory to the jade eggs. The lovely fellow who suggested it confirmed this was true but that Ben Wa Balls can’t be used for anal insertion so that’s the major difference. He said this matter-of-factly while eating his salad.
*a blanket. Although not exactly inapropriate, it’s super random nonetheless. Here mom, I got you a blanket. Is that like a metaphor for the safely and warmth that she has provided me with? I’m terrified to google what this might mean in the gay community because there is no way this person meant an actual blanket.
In the end I decided to go with the jade eggs. The packaging is adorable and if you get the Empress Pack it looks like an actual carton of eggs. Magical sexual eggs that strengthen your vaginal muscles and provide you with the opportunity to have multiple orgasms. Plus, the website said it was sold in over 60 counties including Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, and North Korea- so totally legit sounding.
Future Stella, if you are wondering what to get me this year for Mother’s Day in the year 2035, please seek the advice of a salon breakroom. I think I would quite like anything they would come up with.
Future Stella, I love you. Current Stella, all I ask is that today you allow me to spend some quality time with Gail the Puppy. It’s Mother’s Day after all.
In case you are wondering, I can’t actually elaborate on what it means to me to be your mom or how lucky I am to have a mom like your G-Ma, because I would start crying uncontrollably. Your dad is still sleeping and this would definitely freak him out.