Well, the jig is officially up. Some little twat at your preschool decided it would be a great idea to tell you that A) Disneyland is an actual place that you can go to and B) snow doesn’t just exist in the movie Frozen. This is really irritating to me because I have zero desire to ever see either one of those things ever again. You came home from school and you were so excited to educate me on this news, as if I didn’t know. I had to act surprised and not let on that I have actually been intentionally keeping this information from you. So Future Stella, let me explain WHY I lied to you about these two terrible destinations.
The last time I was there I ended up losing my virginity. Not at the park itself and not with a total random. I want to stop the image you are most likely forming (if your brain works anything like mine) before you start thinking I’m more exciting/cool/slutty than I really am. When I am prompted with the notion of losing one’s virginity at Disneyland I immediately picture Mickey Mouse making someone wet on the log ride. I did not lose my virginity to a Disney character. Another possibility that comes to mind is two strangers that were seated next to each other on Splash Mountain. They would aggressively explore their obvious chemistry and things would start to get hot and heavy about halfway through the ride making the other passengers around them quite uncomfortable. The date would commence with the purchase of the overpriced photo documenting the fornication to later be shown to their future offspring that may or may not be already forming in her uterus. I really could keep going with this last scenario but I feel it’s best to stay on topic. I lost my virginity to my longtime boyfriend, Andy, after a long day at Disneyland. We loved each other and used protection so this proves I’m an awesome role model. I just realized that the loss of my virginity at Disneyland has absolutely nothing to do with my lack of desire to ever return there. I just enjoy telling you things I know will make you squirm. The real reason is all the overweight people everywhere and the obnoxious adult Disneyland fanatics that really depress me in a way that I thought only finding out I was pregnant could do (just kidding. Sort of). Plus, I don’t know if you guys discuss hot topics at this preschool of yours, but there has been a recent outbreak of measles there. You are vaccinated for it, but it is a friendly reminder of how absolutely disgusting that place is and who knows what other germs or diseases are lurking on the many surfaces. Let’s just briefly return to my splash mountain hypothetical for a moment. Imagine you were the next person to sit on the seat where the gentleman had ejaculated all over. Next thing I know my 4 year old daughter is pregnant with a strangers baby and there isn’t even a reality show in existence that would exploit this kind of thing. I think I have made my point quite clear. However, since I’m dealing with current Stella and not Future Stella, I cannot tell you all of these very legit reasons for not going so I have no choice but to take you to Disneyland. We are scheduled to go next month for 3 days. Your welcome
It’s baffling to me that I even have to explain the lack of appeal snow has, but it seems I’m constantly in the minority on this, so I will do my best to persuade you. First of all, it’s cold. I realize that most of the sentences that come out of my mouth are almost always exaggerated. In this one instance I am being completely accurate and factual. Snow is literally freezing, actually freezing, like no more than 32 degrees Fahrenheit. The amount of layers that you have to wear to be comfortable does not mix well with the enormous amounts of alcohol one needs to consume to enjoy themselves in this environment. As you do not currently drink alcohol, I understand if this reference doesn’t resonate with you. However, if you would allow the following analogy. Remember that time I sent you to school in a halter romper when you were just learning how to potty train? I am praying you don’t actually remember this. Getting the halter untied was virtually impossible for a 3 year old to do on her own so you had no choice but to urinate all over yourself. That’s sort of how I feel when I’m in the snow and I have to pee. Then there is the issue of getting to and from the snow. When I hear people in San Francisco talk about going to Tahoe and getting there in 3 hours I immediately put it in the same category as Santa being able to deliver toys to every house in one night. It’s just not possible. Spoiler alert: there is no Santa. I am Santa. Your welcome. Getting to Tahoe feels like a giant pilgrimage and I don’t know if it’s the snow or the never ending voyage but I think about the Donner party every single time and I just don’t want to have to eat my child. That would be so tragic so by asking me to take you to the snow you are just asking to be eaten. Once again I am saved by global warming and it appears there is not enough snow this year to show you so tell your little preschool friends to suck it. Maybe next year. Maybe never.
On an entirely different note, we played the card game war this morning and you kicked the crap out of me. Not that it means anything- it’s basically a game of luck but I am hoping to capitalize on this luck and I am going to have you do all my Super Bowl picks this afternoon. If we win then I will totally put the money in your college fund.