Your Mom Went To Da Club Last Night

Future Stella,

I am sure by the time you read this I will no longer be cool and hip and you probably think I’m such a tragic hot mess of old tired lady parts. You also probably think there is no way I was ever cool and cannot fathom a moment where I was burning both ends of the night. I am also willing to bet that if you could visualize me as a wild party animal you would only believe it if I was talking about my life before you. For the most part that is accurate. Kids can be a giant wet blanket. So can husbands, jobs, bills, going to the DMV and UTIs. However, occasionally I am still able to have fun. Occasionally. Let me just explain my wild night last night, and the reason for my current hangover, as proof that I was once hip to the groove.

Where I went was incredibly exclusive. You had to be on the list, which when you are as cool as I am, isn’t a problem at all. I spent quite a bit of time getting ready to make it look like I didn’t try at all. I wore a black jumpsuit that had a plunging neckline exposing my cleavage and a tiny bit of my black lace bra peeked out. I wore black high heels and a gold sparkle belt. I curled my ombré-ish hair into a soft wave and wore bright coral lipstick. If what I just described to you sounds absolutely horrendous, then it shows I was on fleek (slang word alert) because it was 20 years ago and fashion lasts maybe a week. If what I described sounds cute to you then fashion must be doing that thing where it comes full circle, often making the older generations laugh as the youth try to claim these looks as original and fresh. Anyway, back to my evening. The wine and champagne were flowing. I kept getting free drinks so I lost count of how many I had. I knew every single person there- it was crazy. There was dancing and laughter and even a heated debate! Your dad’s jealousy and desire for me were clearly obvious by his texts. Texts like “where are you?” and “I’m going to bed.” He’s always been so obsessed with me. Things at da club got pretty crazy and everything was spinning but I stayed until the last minute when the bar was closing down and the party goers were exiting the building. It was outrageous.

I stumbled out to the curb to wait for my Uber. When I glanced down at my phone to check the time, I was shocked that it was 10:30pm! Book club has never gone that late. I knew my next day was going to suck but I was glad that I was able let loose with some dear friends and discuss a book that I thoroughly enjoyed.

The morale of this story is that having kids sucks the life out of fun. I will give you credit for one thing. All the ladies in my book club are the mothers of your friends at preschool. I would never have met them if I didn’t have you and they are wonderful people.

Another take away message is that reading books and having friends who enjoy this same past time is way more fulfilling then going to an actual club. You won’t believe me right now because you are in the height of your clubbin’ days but one day you will agree with me.

Future Stella, I love you. Current Stella, sorry I gave you a frozen waffle without toasting it this morning for breakfast. I was still wasted.
I told you it’s how Elsa likes her waffles (frozen) and you totally believed me.


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